#99: Long-term relationships

The problem of gender relations at Notre Dame is one of the biggest complaints people have about student life at the school.  Students complain that the combination of single-sex dorms and parietals is a system of the past that discourages friendship between the sexes (see #63).  The continuance of dorm parties being informally restricted to men’s halls (see #98) even further separates the genders on a day-to-day basis and leads to awkwardness at all turns. 

The result of these things is that men and women at Notre Dame do not often foster actual friendships with each other or even really go on informal dates with one another.  Instead, men and women at Notre Dame consistently find their sole interaction in long-term relationships.

Notre Dame does not have a significant dating culture.  One day, Notre Dame Students are hooking up together, and the next day sees them turning around Claddagh rings (see #6) and changing Facebook statuses to show and tell the world that they have entered into a relationship.  The lack of dating at Notre Dame stems not only from the complete lack of avenues to develop rich friendships between the sexes, but it also is caused by the lack of nearby dating options.  Although this could be changing with the recently opened Eddy Street Commons, the fact that Notre Dame exists in its own little bubble, distinctly separated from the outside, leaves students with few places to go on dates beyond the dining halls.  While “dining hall dates” are certainly popular, their awkwardness is a further detractor from a dating culture in general.

However, the lack of a dating culture does not mean a lack of relationships.  Notre Dame Students love entering into long-term relationships primarily because they love the idea of marriage (see #91), but also because they love all of the things that go along with long-term relationships. 

Notre Dame men like long-term relationships because they sometimes grant them an opportunity to go beyond the Notre Dame Hook-Up and into a new territory of intimacy (see #21).  These men have a person to consistently break parietals with, and this gives them an opportunity to show their friends and hallmates how awesome they are (even if they are not awesome at all).

Notre Dame women like long-term relationships for reasons beyond the direction of their Claddagh rings.  For women, a long-term relationship gives them a strong group of friends to hang out with that they might not have if they only hang out with other girls.  It’s no secret that Notre Dame men form stronger groups and have a more intense level of brotherhood between them than Notre Dame women, and so they are happy to allow girls into their groups when their friends begin a relationship.  Because of this, many Notre Dame women end up being better friends with their boyfriends’ hallmates than they ever were with their own hallmates.  The relationship, therefore, allows a Notre Dame woman to become a part of all the things that make men’s halls great, like room pick drama (see #80), playing video games, and the weekly hugfest known as the Rite of Peace during Sunday night dorm Mass (see #10).

Once they come together in their long- term relationships, Notre Dame Couples like all of the things that make a relationship great.  They like spooning on couches where everybody can see them (see #27), wearing each others sweatpants (see #49), and playing footsy while “studying” together in LaFortune (see #68).  They like watching Love, Actually together and arguing about how justified Mark’s actions are (see #69).  They like walking around the lakes, actual dates at Papa Vino’s, and staying in on weekend nights because they no longer need to look for dance-floor makeouts at dorm parties and Finny’s. 

Overall, Notre Dame Students like long-term relationships because they like to love and be loved.  They like the consistency that comes with a relationship, and hate having to resort to the hook- up culture.  They like to think that the person they are dating is the one they will be with for the rest of their life, that they will get married to each other in the Basilica, watch their kids become Notre Dame Students in their own right, and that they will grow old together and live happily ever after.

#91: The Idea of Marriage

Being the overly Catholic and family-oriented people that they are, Notre Dame Students all have a strong innate desire to quickly get married and have children.  Very few Notre Dame Students actively want to be single, and almost none aspire to be womanizing bachelors who have trophy girlfriends late in life (or the other way around).  

This obsession that Notre Dame Students have with the idea that they will get married soon after they graduate is embodied in the tradition of “ring by spring.”  Ostensibly the goal of every Notre Dame Student, “ring by spring” is the objective of Notre Dame women to get proposed to by the man of their dreams and of Notre Dame men to propose to the woman of their dreams by the time they graduate. 

In order to obtain or present a “ring by spring,” a person usually must have met their future husband or wife by the end of their freshman year, be dating this person by the end of their sophomore year, and regularly be breaking parietals together by the end of their junior year.  This well-worn path puts the Notre Dame couple right on course for spring engagement at the Grotto (see #61) during their senior year, and the ideal Basilica wedding the summer after that.

The problem with this tradition is that very few people actually participate in it any more.  While Notre Dame Students still love to talk about “ring by spring,” and they certainly talk at length about anybody they know that achieves the goal, most Notre Dame Students are in no position to actually participate in the tradition.  This is not only because many Notre Dame Students move on to grad school, med school, or law school after graduation, but also because the modern world sends graduates to all parts of the country in search of jobs and service opportunities.

Despite “ring by spring” being barely feasible for modern Notre Dame Students, these students continue to talk about it because they are obsessed with the idea of marriage.  They like to talk about the weddings of older siblings and of the potential of friends’ future weddings because the modern idea of weddings brings together religion and drinking in order to celebrate the final result of a long-term relationship (see #99).  So even if students aren’t getting married (or even engaged) very often as students any more, the idea of marriage is never far from the mind of a Notre Dame Student.

#69: Love, Actually

Notre Dame Students love Christmas movies.  They love Elf for its contemporary nuttiness, oftentimes repeating quotes such as, “Bye Buddy, hope you find your Dad,” when somebody leaves a party or small circle (see #24).  They love It’s a Wonderful Life for its classic story and timeless Frank Capra themes, and they love Home Alone for its childhood memories of high jinks (as well as tiring debates about how many times Marv and Harry should have died over the course of the film).  While many people of different ages around the country love each of these movies (as well others) there is one movie that Notre Dame Students love so much more than it is typically loved.

That movie is the ‘Ultimate Romantic Comedy’: Love, Actually. 

Notre Dame Students love Love, Actually because it is a movie that brings together the joy of the Christmas season with the satisfaction of a good romantic comedy.  Not only do they love Christmastime (see #66), but Notre Dame Students also love romantic comedies because they love to love.  Notre Dame Students love their families, they love their roommates, they love their friends, they love their girlfriends/boyfriends, and they love their school; so it makes sense that they would love a movie that is ostensibly about love.

Love, Actually is that movie. 

What Notre Dame Students love about the film is the fact that everybody can relate to a different story in it (except the one with the guy who’s in love with his best friend’s wife; that’s just sleazy).  Some students love Sarah’s (Laura Linney) storyline because it shows a person that needs and loves her family over anything else.  Others love Jaime’s (Colin Firth) storyline because it shows how love can triumph over immense barriers like language.  Still others count Karen’s (Emma Thompson) and Harry’s (Alan Rickman) story as their favorite because it depicts a love for children.

While everybody loves Sam’s story (mainly because it ends with a rousing rendition of All I Want For Christmas Is You (see #39)), and few dislike the hilarious antics of Billy Mack (Bill Nighy); one of the more beloved storylines in Love, Actually is the story of the Prime Minister (Hugh Grant).  While the details of this tale are satisfactory, the climax of the story is when he gives the speech touting everything that is great about Britain.  Not only is this a great speech in the vein of Rockne and Holtz (see #15), but it also plays to the Anglophile sensibilities of most Notre Dame Students.

Overall, the storylines of Love, Actually make it a film that Notre Dame Students feel comfortable watching with their parents, with a group of friends in the dorm, with members of the opposite sex that they are just platonically friends with, and with members of the opposite sex that they are attempting to ‘Notre Dame Hook-Up’ with right before parietals (see #21 and #63).  Because of this, it has become an unlikely classic amongst Notre Dame Students and a film that they continue to treasure and love (of course) every holiday season.

#63: Parietals (although they refuse to admit it)

Of all the unique intricacies of dorm life at Notre Dame, or Notre Dame Student culture in general, the most influential aspect is the rule that seemingly infuriates students ensuring that dorms remain single-sex; a rule called Parietals.

The rule of parietals means that at midnight or 2:00 AM (depending on if it’s a weeknight or a weekend) students must remove themselves from dorms of the opposite sex until the next morning.  This means that students (or outside friends and relatives) are not allowed to sleep in dorms of the opposite sex, and they are not allowed to stay later no matter what they are doing.

The majority of Notre Dame Students talk negatively about parietals.  They blame the rule for treating the students like children.  They use the rule as an excuse for poor gender relations amongst students, and they criticize the rule for being too old-fashioned.  If you listen to what they say in public, one might think that Notre Dame Students hate parietals.

Deep down, however, most Notre Dame Students actually like parietals. 

Parietals are a necessary check on Notre Dame Student’s drunken decision making.  They take away the pressure that Notre Dame Students feel about potentially sleeping together, and give Notre Dame Students an excuse not to sleep together (and limit themselves to Notre Dame Hookups at earlier hours, see #21). 

Furthermore, because of the sometimes lackadaisical way that the rule is enforced, students that are in long term relationships are able to break parietals fairly easily without trouble.  These students like to break parietals not only because it allows them to sleep with their significant other, but also because it makes them think that they are completely badass [or awesome].

Parietals force parties to end at reasonable times, giving Notre Dame Students an excuse not to stay awake late into the night.  While Students might sometimes consider staying up late to party, deep down they actually want to get to bed before 3:00 AM on Friday and Saturday nights so that they can wake up early and study on the weekends.  Parietals facilitate the innate desire that Notre Dame Students have to work hard and party hard.

Most importantly, parietals allow students to build strong relationships with the friends in their own dorm.  The most significant times of bonding occur amongst students after parietals when they play video games, participate in single-sex drinking games, and talk about every possible topic that could come up.  Camaraderie is built amongst students after parietals in ways that would be impossible if the other sex was present.

Despite all this, Notre Dame Students will rarely admit to actually liking parietals.  Not only is it very easy to blame poor gender relations on the rule, but it would also be very uncool to champion the rule.  Ultimately, liking parietals is completely counter to being SO college (see #11), and because of this Notre Dame Students will continue to steadfastly pretend that they hate the rule.

#59:Hating Rectresses

One aspect of student life that sets the University of Notre Dame apart from other institutions of higher learning is the importance of dorm life for the students.  There are many unique aspects of dorm life at Notre Dame ranging from drinking traditions to dorm masses, but no aspect of dorm life affects the students more than the rectors and rectresses that live in and are in charge of the dorms.

Rectors and rectresses at Notre Dame are tasked with a myriad of responsibilities to ensure that the residence halls run smoothly and remain places that students want to live.  They assist their halls’ councils in order to plan events that the residents want to make dorm life interesting.  They promote faith in their dorms by encouraging residents to go to hall mass (and oftentimes saying mass if they are a priest).  They also serve as advisors to residents that are there to help them through personal issues of all kinds.

The most prominent responsibility of rectors and rectresses, however, is their position as the leader of the hall staffs of their respective dorms.  This position not only allows them to hand pick assistant rectors and resident assistants, but it also allows them to determine the degree to which university rules are enforced within their dorms.  Parietals might be in effect, liquor and drinking games might be banned, and parties might be limited, but all of these university rules impact students to varying degrees based on how severely their rector or rectress enforces them.

For the most part, the rectors in men’s halls are fairly lenient with the rules.  Alcohol flows freely (if not openly) in the men’s halls as dorm parties are a commonplace, beer pong and 40s are never far away, and liquor is sometimes seen at unnecessarily high levels.  Many rectors seemingly understand that the residents of their halls are college students and will act like college students regardless of the rules.  For their leniencies in enforcing the rules (while managing to keep the dorms incredibly safe) these rectors are beloved by their students and oftentimes form strong relationships with them.

However, women’s halls do not have the same luxuries because rectresses at Notre Dame are not nearly as lenient as rectors.  In fact, rectresses are so stringent with the enforcement of their rules that there is an enormous disparity between life in a men’s dorm and life in a women’s dorm.  While most men’s dorms play host to parties each weekend, women’s dorms never host parties.  While some Notre Dame men feel comfortable building bars in their dorm rooms, women must go to elaborate measure to bring even small amounts of beer, liquor, or wine into their rooms (and when they turn 21, they’re constantly accused of supplying alcohol to younger residents). 

These disparities have resulted in Notre Dame Women having fairly negative relationships with their rectresses.  While rectors might be seen as mentors, advisors, or friends in men’s dorms; rectresses are seen as judge, jury, and executioner.  Likewise, rectresses oftentimes develop hostile relationships with males who happen to enter their dorms.  Friends, boyfriends, and even brothers are not seen by rectresses as the well-intending Notre Dame Students they usually are, but as binge drinking heathens that force feed girls so much alcohol that they turn up passed out in shrubberies in front of Welsh Fam or Lyons. 

Rectresses run their dorms like convents where even the slightest infraction is seen as a truly troubling character flaw.  They try to be mothers to their residents but have no idea how to actually be mothers.  They treat their residents like children and are seemingly incapable of giving them the benefit of the doubt.  They are overly judgmental and overbearing, and many of them need to be replaced.  Because of this, rectresses across campus are unfortunately hated strongly disliked by Notre Dame Students.

#39: Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You

Christmas is a magical time of year at Notre Dame. In the period between Thanksgiving and the end of finals, Notre Dame Students have many Christmas dances and parties that they attend (see #25). At each of these events they will play countless holiday themed classics ranging from Bing Crosby to Britney Spears, and they will undoubtedly turn to All I Want for Christmas is You many, many times throughout the season.

Each time they play this song, Notre Dame Students will be sure to pull a Sam from Love, Actually (see a number to be written later) and point towards one of their peers during the chorus. During this section, Notre Dame Students will use extreme caution to make sure that things do not become awkward with the person they point towards.

If they have already achieved the victory of a long term relationship then this issue is a moot point, but if not then problems arise. Most females overcome this problem by pointing at one of their girls, while most males overcome the issue by pointing out into thin air. However, sometimes Notre Dame Men try to use this as an opportunity to make the first move towards what could result in a long term relationship. Typically, this ends in failure (or possibly a dance floor makeout).

Notre Dame Students love this song so much, that they play it year-round. Would any Notre Dame Student be surprised if the song was played at Finnegan’s in September? No; in fact this is expected. Likewise, no student would hesitate to put the song on at a party in April. Notre Dame Students love this song, and it has become an essential part of the Notre Dame Playlist.

#38.5: Things Saint Mary’s Students Like

1) Calling themselves “Smick Chicks”

2) The Avenue

3) Taking pictures on the “Sluttle”

4) Having Mothers who went to SMC and Fathers who went to Notre Dame

5) Taylor Swift

6) Working in Hospitals or Schools instead of taking classes

7) The Dance Marathon

8) Buying Food at the Cyber Café

9) Paying Their Student Government a Salary

10) Going out on weeknights

11) Oddly Shaped Dining Hall Trays

12) Notre Dame Athletes

13) Obnoxiously big dorm hallways

14) The Keenan Revue (ironically)

15) Getting Hooded

16) Jamaica Shaika

17) Being on Committees

18) Club Fever

19) Complaining about Traffic

20) Most (if not all) of the Things Notre Dame Students Like

#38: Making Fun of Saint Mary’s Girls (and then dating them)

Notre Dame Students, both male and female, have an incredibly complex relationship with the students of the school across the street: Saint Mary’s College. This relationship can be marked by a wide range of emotions including jealousy, hate, sarcasm, friendship, and love. In other words; it is akin to a typical marriage.

Notre Dame Students love to make fun of Saint Mary’s girls. While this might happen infrequently in person, Notre Dame Students will constantly make jokes about their sister school when there are no Belles around. They will write letters to The Observer declaring the school’s inferiority and its student’s unintelligence. They will perform skits in the Keenan Revue about Saint Mary’s Girls being sluts. Notre Dame Men will make fun of individuals behind their backs, and Notre Dame Women might even make fun of groups to their faces.

The fact of the matter is that it is relatively easy to make fun of Saint Mary’s Students as the school is essentially one group of 1600 Marys, Katies, and Megans that all major in Nursing or Elementary Education*. While the olden days might have required Saint Mary’s to counter the All-Male ND, the modern Co-Ed Notre Dame has no use for Saint Mary’s College.

Or so a Notre Dame Woman would want you to think.

Notre Dame Women are most to blame for the complex relationship with Saint Mary’s Students because they publicly and privately have the most nasty things to say about them. The women from both schools can’t possibly be friends with each other because of the irreconcilable differences caused by Notre Dame Women recklessly throwing around words like slut and stupid in reference to their sister school. These girls do this not because they believe these things, but because of childish jealousy.

Notre Dame Women are jealous of Saint Mary’s Students because the students at the all-girls school across the street are typically more awesome than their counterparts at Notre Dame**. Saint Mary’s Students are more fun than Notre Dame girls. They go out to more bars and parties. They don’t spend most of their hours in the library (does Saint Mary’s even have a library?). They won’t tell you when they have an Organic Chemistry test (see #29), and they bizarrely care more about Notre Dame Football than Notre Dame girls.

Because of this, as much as they like to make fun of Saint Mary’s girls, Notre Dame guys also like to date them, and they date them quite frequently.

*I probably just lost 5 friends right there.

** I know I just lost 7 friends and 1 sister on that one.

Full Disclosure: I currently have 1 SMC drinking mug, 1 SMC pennant, 1 deck of SMC playing cards, and 1 SMC T-Shirt that I wear frequently. So yes, I unapologetically love Saint Mary’s.

#27: Spooning

Notre Dame Students love a good spoon, and not the kind that you can steal from the dining hall (see # 3).  The kind of spooning that Notre Dame Students like is described by Wikipedia.com, as “a cuddling position, a kind of hugging when both the hugger and the hugged persons face the same direction, i.e., the front of one person is in contact with the back of the second one.”

However, the spooning that Notre Dame Students partake in is so much more than this sterilized definition because it has another added element.  When Notre Dame Students spoon, it is beautiful. 

Spooning for Notre Dame Students is oftentimes an act that physically signifies their place in a long-term relationship (i.e. the ultimate goal of all Notre Dame Women) because what other stages of relationships are suitable for a good spooning?  A person would never attempt a spoon if they are partaking in a random hook-up (see #21).  Despite bromances being popular right now, they rarely move past the “sharing a large popcorn bucket at the matinee showing of The Hangover” stage of intimacy.  No, spooning is usually reserved for couples that have fully entrenched themselves in the joys of a long-term relationship.*

Furthermore, couples in long-term relationships like to demonstrate the beauty of their love to all of their friends by making their spoons highly noticeable.  In fact, many Notre Dame Relationships start eagerly with the “quad middle-room” spoon where the beauty of a long-term relationship is shared by a semi-public spoon.  The degree to which the spooners want to spread their love can be determined by what is going on in the room/apartment/house at the time of the spoon.  An example of the progression follows:

1)       Watching a Notre Dame Basketball game, room empty

2)   Roommates watching a crappy made-for-SciFi Channel Movie,

3)   During a popular television show watch (see #19), all seats taken

4)   In the middle of a weekend party, room full.

5)   During JPW, parents present

Regardless of wherever and whenever the spooning happens, Notre Dame Students enjoy its beauty and relentlessly participate in it (and apparently hold the world record in it).    

*Exception: The above picture, which evidently is the longest spoon train ever.

#24: Forming Small Circles

Whether at bars, parties, tailgates, classroom buildings or just hanging out in dorms, Notre Dame Students love to form small circles.  These small circles are critical to the Notre Dame social scene not only for their functional practicality, but also because of what their existence tells other people. 

While small circles can be seen almost anywhere, the most common place to see small circles is at bars.  The Backer, Finnegan’s, Fever, and Corby’s are all places where small circles are frequently seen.  Small circles are important at bars because they allow the Students to talk to each of their friends despite the loud songs, and also allow the students to more effectively sing the choruses of said loud songs as opposed to awkwardly standing alone.  Small circles are especially critical for certain songs, such as God Bless the USA and Piano Man, so that Students can put their arms around each other and sway to the music.

Small circles are also important for their ramifications on the Notre Dame social scene.  You can tell a lot about a person by what small circle they are a part of.  While Notre Dame Students are inherently uncool, you discover things about the crowd a person rolls with by looking at the members of their small circles.  Small circles are most readily formed by people who went abroad together, people that play in the marching band together, people who lived in dorms together, and people who served on student government committees together.  A Notre Dame Student will quickly know if they can join a small circle just by the people who are in it.      

Small circles are important to the Notre Dame social scene because they facilitate the notion of the group.  If a Notre Dame Student wants to enter into a long-term relationship with another Notre Dame Student, the obvious first step is to enter into a small circle with them.  The small circle is the first step in any good Notre Dame relationship, or even any Notre Dame friendship, and it should not be forgotten.

[Special Thanks to friends of the site Brad Blomstrom, Andrew Miller, Robert Ladd, and Matt Bono for their help in forming the pictured small circle]

#21: Being Confused About the Definition of Hooking-Up

Notre Dame Students love to hook-up . . . at least they think they do.  If there is one thing that regularly causes more viewpoint fodder than Saint Mary’s girls or the Vagina Monologues it is the perceived hook-up culture at Notre Dame.  Students love to talk about who hooked-up with whom or how many guys somebody has hooked-up with.  At the end of the day, however, Notre Dame Students are incredibly confused about the definition of the term hook-up.

At most colleges and universities across the country the term hook-up means that two people had sex.  If a frat guy at the University of Illinois told one of his bros that he hooked up with a girl it would absolutely mean that the two had sex.  If a Knott guy tells his roommate that he hooked up with a girl, it could mean anything from ‘we touched each other’ to ‘we dance floor madeout’ to ‘I got a topless blowjob’ to ‘we had sex’.  While it is possible that the Knott guy had sex with the girl, one of the other scenarios is far more likely.

At Notre Dame, sexual intercourse is a rarity.  While certain football players won’t shy away from tag teaming girls in the Keough Hall Laundry room, many Notre Dame Students won’t even think about having sex until they are firmly committed in a long term relationship and have turned their Claddaugh Rings around (see #6).

Because of this, Notre Dame Students need to adopt a new vernacular when discussing the hook-up culture. 

Simply saying that they hooked-up is not enough to define the nature of what happened.  If Notre Dame Students want to imply that they had sex, it would be best to say that they U of I Hooked-Up while if they merely made out and touched each other they can say that they Notre Dame Hooked-Up.  This distinction will not only allow students to more accurately describe their actions to other Notre Dame Students, but it will also help to clarify their moral superiority over their state school counterparts.

#6: Claddaugh Rings

While Notre Dame Students do not wear a massive amount of jewelry, they do love to sport two types of rings.  Aside from Class Rings, the women of Notre Dame (and Saint Mary’s of course), love to wear Claddaugh Rings. 

For those who aren’t familiar, the Claddaugh Ring is a traditional Irish ring that is made up of two hands that encompass a heart.  As tradition has it, women wear Claddaugh rings in different ways depending on what their current relationship status is. 

If the ring is worn on the right hand with the heart facing out, it means that the wearer is not currently in a relationship.  If the ring is turned around, it means that the wearer’s heart has been pledged to somebody.  When the ring bearer moves the ring to her left hand, then it means they are engaged or married depending on which direction the heart is facing.

Notre Dame Women love to wear Claddaugh Rings not only to show off their Irish heritage (or wanted Irish heritage), but also to tell everybody what their current relationship status is.  Claddaugh Rings were like the facebook profile of the 14^th century; when men see them, they are able to immediately discern the availability status of the wearer. 

Notre Dame Women further like Claddaugh Rings because of the invigorating thrill involved with turning the ring around.  When a Woman has the opportunity to turn her ring around, she has won victory by achieving the great objective of all Notre Dame Women: A Long Term Relationship. 

Women who do not wear Claddaugh Rings are considered by men to be unavailable because they are either a) going to join the sisterhood, or b) lesbian.  These women must be avoided by Notre Dame Men at all costs.