#99: Long-term relationships

The problem of gender relations at Notre Dame is one of the biggest complaints people have about student life at the school.  Students complain that the combination of single-sex dorms and parietals is a system of the past that discourages friendship between the sexes (see #63).  The continuance of dorm parties being informally restricted to men’s halls (see #98) even further separates the genders on a day-to-day basis and leads to awkwardness at all turns. 

The result of these things is that men and women at Notre Dame do not often foster actual friendships with each other or even really go on informal dates with one another.  Instead, men and women at Notre Dame consistently find their sole interaction in long-term relationships.

Notre Dame does not have a significant dating culture.  One day, Notre Dame Students are hooking up together, and the next day sees them turning around Claddagh rings (see #6) and changing Facebook statuses to show and tell the world that they have entered into a relationship.  The lack of dating at Notre Dame stems not only from the complete lack of avenues to develop rich friendships between the sexes, but it also is caused by the lack of nearby dating options.  Although this could be changing with the recently opened Eddy Street Commons, the fact that Notre Dame exists in its own little bubble, distinctly separated from the outside, leaves students with few places to go on dates beyond the dining halls.  While “dining hall dates” are certainly popular, their awkwardness is a further detractor from a dating culture in general.

However, the lack of a dating culture does not mean a lack of relationships.  Notre Dame Students love entering into long-term relationships primarily because they love the idea of marriage (see #91), but also because they love all of the things that go along with long-term relationships. 

Notre Dame men like long-term relationships because they sometimes grant them an opportunity to go beyond the Notre Dame Hook-Up and into a new territory of intimacy (see #21).  These men have a person to consistently break parietals with, and this gives them an opportunity to show their friends and hallmates how awesome they are (even if they are not awesome at all).

Notre Dame women like long-term relationships for reasons beyond the direction of their Claddagh rings.  For women, a long-term relationship gives them a strong group of friends to hang out with that they might not have if they only hang out with other girls.  It’s no secret that Notre Dame men form stronger groups and have a more intense level of brotherhood between them than Notre Dame women, and so they are happy to allow girls into their groups when their friends begin a relationship.  Because of this, many Notre Dame women end up being better friends with their boyfriends’ hallmates than they ever were with their own hallmates.  The relationship, therefore, allows a Notre Dame woman to become a part of all the things that make men’s halls great, like room pick drama (see #80), playing video games, and the weekly hugfest known as the Rite of Peace during Sunday night dorm Mass (see #10).

Once they come together in their long- term relationships, Notre Dame Couples like all of the things that make a relationship great.  They like spooning on couches where everybody can see them (see #27), wearing each others sweatpants (see #49), and playing footsy while “studying” together in LaFortune (see #68).  They like watching Love, Actually together and arguing about how justified Mark’s actions are (see #69).  They like walking around the lakes, actual dates at Papa Vino’s, and staying in on weekend nights because they no longer need to look for dance-floor makeouts at dorm parties and Finny’s. 

Overall, Notre Dame Students like long-term relationships because they like to love and be loved.  They like the consistency that comes with a relationship, and hate having to resort to the hook- up culture.  They like to think that the person they are dating is the one they will be with for the rest of their life, that they will get married to each other in the Basilica, watch their kids become Notre Dame Students in their own right, and that they will grow old together and live happily ever after.

#96: Getting indignant

Notre Dame Students spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing issues that impact their campus, country, and world.  In their thoughts and discussions about these issues, Notre Dame Students grow to care deeply about them (or, they at least pretend to care deeply about them).  Not only do they care about these issues, but Notre Dame Students formulate strong opinions about them and usually try to convince their fellow students to share their opinions.  Yet when something happens that goes against a student’s opinion on an issue, they will get indignant.

On campus, Notre Dame Students get indignant about a lot of issues ranging from the comical to the serious.  Many of these issues are based in Catholic social teaching and students' attempts to show they are more Catholic than other students (see #4).  Notre Dame Students get indignant about Barack Obama’s commencement speech and the issue of abortion (2009), they get indignant about the Gay Film Festival (2006-2007), they get indignant about Christopher Hitchins (2010), and they constantly get indignant about the University’s refusal to pay dining hall workers a living wage (1990-2050, and probably longer).

To deal with their indignation, Notre Dame Students do everything that they possibly can do while only minimizing their time investment in such efforts.  Students will write strongly worded Viewpoint letters (see #71) that attack the University or the offending party for doing something they deem to be incredibly offensive and insulting.  To protest, they will join Facebook groups that have no power or influence whatsoever.  If they want to show that they are strongly indignant about something, they might even organize protests or demand to meet with Fr. Jenkins (a demand that is rarely met).

Students also get indignant about campus issues that aren’t as serious as those based in Catholic social teaching, but are rather based in a student’s personal convictions about societal norms and what Notre Dame means to them.  Students get indignant about how The Shirt fits them (see #2), they get indignant about police using horses at tailgates, they get indignant about the lack of $5 footlongs at the campus Subway, and they get indignant about the musical stylings of Freekbass.  While none of these things have their genesis in religion or a moral system, they are still important sources of indignation for Notre Dame Students.

Beyond the Notre Dame Bubble, there are a lot of things that Notre Dame Students have an opportunity to get indignant about.  While many of these things are similar to the campus issues that cause indignation stemming from Catholic social teaching, Notre Dame Students get even more indignant about things that happen on a national or international scale.  By far, the area that creates the most indignation amongst Notre Dame Students is the continent of Africa (see #1).  Notre Dame Students get indignant about the problems in Darfur, they get indignant about the prevalence of AIDS across the continent, and they get indignant about the simple lack of development and infrastructure in various countries.  To soothe their indignation about these issues, Notre Dame Students travel to Africa and do research for their theses.

Overall, Notre Dame Students' indignation shows how much they care about important issues on campus and around the world (or, at the very least, how much they pretend to care about these issues).  These issues will change from year to year, and the students’ methods of response might change, but the indignation will always remain the same.  Even after graduation, Notre Dame Students will continue to get indignant, because the only people who get more indignant than Notre Dame Students are Notre Dame Alumni.

#95: Running around the lakes (and other places)

Probably the most athletic students in the country (aside from the military academies), Notre Dame Students love to exercise.  While they certainly love playing basketball (see #76), football, and dodgeball, lifting weights in The Rock or Rolfs, and taking yoga classes, by far the most popular form of exercise for Notre Dame Students is running. 

Notre Dame Students are constantly running in different places across campus.  They run on treadmills in their dorms and at The Rock.  They run loops through the quads and fields around campus.  They run on elliptical machines in Rolfs while watching TV and reading People Magazine.  They run the roads to and through Saint Mary’s.  However, most often students run around the two lakes on campus.

Running around the lakes is the single most common form of exercise amongst Notre Dame Students.  They love to make the two-mile figure-eight around the lakes so that they can see all of the sites such as The Grotto (see #61), the reverse side of the Dome, and (of course) Carroll Hall.  Sometimes through treacherous patches of mud that destroy their pristinely clean running shoes, Notre Dame Students will run hundreds (and sometimes even thousands) of miles around these lakes over the course of their time at school; with the lakes always looking the same and the route never really becoming repetitive to Notre Dame Students.

While running is partially about exercise for Notre Dame Students, it also has other advantages.  Though Notre Dame Students like to be seen running so that they can show everybody how athletic they are, oftentimes their running is not very athletic.  If they are running inside, they will make sure to spend more time chatting with friends they meet than they do actually running. 

When they are running around the lakes, they will oftentimes make their running into a date and jog alongside their long-term relationship partner while neither really breaks a sweat (see #99).  Despite the fact that running has all of these great advantages for Notre Dame Students, they will still need to have a more concrete reason to justify all of their running and working out, and they find this purpose via charity runs. 

Charity runs like the Mara Fox Run, Finish on the 50, and the Holy Half Marathon give students the justification for working out while also making them feel better about themselves by raising money for charity (and they usually get t-shirts for running them, see #35).  These service-oriented students want to do good for the world, and these events give them a chance to put their running to a good use. 

Furthermore, in running these events, Notre Dame Students get even more excited about running and invariably start talking about how they are going to run a marathon.  Notre Dame Students love talking about running marathons because it shows their friends how much more running they are doing, and it also shows how dedicated they are to working out and raising money for charity (because Notre Dame Students prefer running marathons for charity).  However, in the end most Notre Dame Students will eschew running marathons for leisurely runs around the lakes.

#92: Overly elaborate dorm room configurations

It’s already established that residence halls are an important part of life for Notre Dame Students.  At many colleges, dorms might be simply the place where students sleep at night and have a desk to occasionally work; but for Notre Dame Students, dorms actually become their home (and remain as a home for them even after they move out).  In an effort to make their rooms more homey, Notre Dame Students plan and construct the most elaborate dorm rooms possible.

To begin their room construction, Notre Dame Students start at the floor by purchasing wall-to-wall carpeting to cover the tile.  While throw rugs would certainly be the easiest option, Notre Dame Students know that cutting carpeting to perfectly fit their rooms not only looks great and feels comfortable, but requires the extra bit of effort that makes a perfect dorm room (despite the fact that it’s impossible to adequately clean vomit and beer spills out of carpeting).

After their floors are covered, Notre Dame Students will then look for the most efficient way to fit all of the essential beds, desks, wardrobes and dressers into their room.  Being efficient with this is not only important because it saves space for extraneous items later, but it also shows how clever Notre Dame Students can be with using limited resources and building things.  Most Notre Dame Students determine that the best way to go with these essential items is up, and they build elaborate lofts to make their rooms into multi-level enterprises with their beds (and sometimes even desks) high enough off the floor so that they can walk under them and plan a further living space. 

Once they have their essential furniture in place, and have made sure that they have enough room for the largest possible desk chair they can buy at Office Depot, Notre Dame Students shift their attention to the living spaces that are more important to them.  Many students will construct television stands that sometimes act as lofts themselves, oftentimes with room for two or more televisions, mini-fridges, video game systems, sound systems, and cable boxes. 

Notre Dame Students will want their rooms to fit multiple televisions so that they can watch several things at once (especially during football season), and entice as many people as possible to congregate in their room.  To successfully do this, Notre Dame Students will do their best to maximize seating by having multiple couches and chairs in their rooms.  Furthermore, they will maximize viewing opportunities from these couches by raising one or more on cinder blocks above others to create a stadium seating atmosphere that improves sightlines to televisions and shows how serious the residents are about watching sporting events.

As the icing on the cake, Notre Dame Students will construct elaborate bars in their rooms that they will use to host parties and pregames.  These bars will usually have at least one fridge behind them (and oftentimes a blender), as well as a stockpile of liquors, mixers, and a wide array of drinking glasses of all shapes and sizes.  After that, Notre Dame Students will clutter up the walls of their rooms with posters, pennants, flags (see #55), and bar neons in an inexplicable attempt to recreate the atmosphere of a TGI Friday's.

Once they are finished, Notre Dame Students will invite all of their friends over to see how awesome their room is.  They will show it off to people they don’t even know to make themselves feel good.  They will use their awesome room to throw parties and entice people to it, and they will end up losing money maintaining their stockpile of liquor behind the bar.  Ultimately, Notre Dame Students will love these rooms, because once they are complete; they will truly be home.

#86: Being Overly Proud of Their Original ID

When Notre Dame Students first arrive on campus at the beginning of Freshmen Orientation, their pictures are taken and quickly made into student ID cards that will be used throughout their time as students.  These IDs are used to enter dorms, scan for meals at the dining halls, get into football games and other events, identify themselves to overzealous NDSP officers, and purchase food with Flex Points and Domer Dollars.  IDs, therefore, are an incredibly important (yet underrated) part of student life.

While their look is fairly typical and unimpressive, the original incarnation of a student’s ID is one that most Notre Dame Students are incredibly proud.  Not only does a student’s original ID card retain their picture as they were at the beginning of their freshmen year: a time before they drank too much Keystone Light, were still intending to major in engineering, and had never considered travel to Africa (see #12, #70, and #1); but because the University feels the need to incessantly change the style of Student ID’s, their ID can also look like a relic of Notre Dame’s past.

Because of their importance in day-to-day life, Notre Dame Students always carry their ID with them; an act which allows many opportunities to lose or break them.  Student IDs are often lost by being drunkenly left at Reckers (see #14), stolen by muggers on the walk back to campus from Club 23, or simply lost in the disaster of a ridiculously messy dorm room.  Likewise, IDs can be broken out of commission when they are snapped in half by overly aggressive dining hall swipers or faded to the point of illegibility while going through the laundry.

With all of the hazards in the way of success, students that keep their original ID for all four years are immensely proud of their accomplishment.  Not only does it show how better they are than their peers when it comes to not losing or breaking things, but it also means that they have a tangible ID that might look significantly different in style and format than the IDs of the majority of the student body. 

Furthermore, if a student still has his or her ID when they graduate, they will make sure to use it for a variety of functions even though the reverse side clearly invalidates it on the day of their commencement.  Recent graduates will use their IDs to get into the student section at football games, basketball games, and pep rallies as they attempt to extend their years as students.  They will also continue to use their IDs as they visit places around the country and world to get discounted prices for commuter trains, movies, and museum exhibitions.

Overall, however, Notre Dame Students will be most proud of keeping their original ID for sentimental purposes.  They will remember it as the item that got them meals and access to their home during their four years; and they will look at the picture of their freshmen-selves and remember all of the great things they did in the four years since they were given their original ID.

#85: Networking

One of the reasons why Notre Dame is such a highly touted institution is because of its extensive and successful alumni network.  Unlike most schools, the Notre Dame Alumni Network spreads across the country and around the world with 267 local clubs in cities ranging from Topeka to Beijing.  Because of this, many students and alumni alike cherish the alumni network as one of the most important assets of a Notre Dame Education.

Notre Dame Students like the alumni network and all of the networking opportunities that come with it because they are incredibly focused on their future careers.  For Notre Dame Students, everything they do is based on the next step, and decisions are judged by their impact in the long term as opposed to the short term.  Students understand that their future success will not only be based on how well they do on tests and papers, but on how well they utilize their time at the school to make connections and open opportunities for themselves.

With this in mind, Notre Dame Students look to all places and times for opportunities to network with alums.  Students walk through tailgating lots before football games introducing themselves to alums by touting the highlights of their résumé.  Describing their major, recent jobs, and maybe some research experience; Notre Dame Students treat their tailgating revelry not only as a chance to get some free food and beer from alums, but as an important opportunity to expand their network.

Similarly, when Notre Dame Students leave campus and go to different parts of the country (particularly the bars of Chicago’s north side), they wear so much ND apparel that they act as walking advertisements for the school.  While they partly do this because of their unmatched pride; they mainly do it as an means to strike up conversations with Notre Dame Alums and supporters in all of the places they go.  Notre Dame Students know that any conversation with any person can lead to the future of their dreams.

Finally, Notre Dame Students relentlessly use the traditional channels to expand their network.  They send emails to professionals in their field that contain coded questions that don’t explicitly ask for any help with a career (but implicitly ask the professionals for jobs).  They attend meetings at any hour of the day with professionals that come to campus in order to network.  Notre Dame Students attend the career fair as if it was the sole reason why they attended the University; and they will wear their class rings (see #37) as if the employers could forget what school they are visiting.

Once they have networked every possible connection for their career path, Notre Dame Students meticulously send emails at regular intervals to all of the people they have connected with.  They send them holiday greetings, congratulate them on achievements, and notify them of their own achievements all in an effort to stay contacted with their vast and endless network.  Sometimes these efforts will be in vain; but more often than not, Notre Dame Students are wildly successful in their networking, and end up utilizing it to start themselves off on the career path of their dreams.

#80: Room Pick Drama

Because the dorm system at Notre Dame operates in a distinctive way (see #79), the respective dorms use unique procedures to determine which students live in which rooms.  While incoming Freshmen are randomly assigned to dorms, sections, and roommates; the rest of the student body must endure the overly dramatic tensions surrounding room picks as they attempt to ensure they get the room situation they desire.

While the dorm system fosters camaraderie amongst residents, it also leads to these residents wanting to live with or near the people whom they most often socialize.* In many dorms this creates smaller sections within the dorm that members want to stay in from year to year or potentially move into.  These sections, however, only have a certain number and type of rooms; and these limitations create tension amongst residents and potential residents.

When room picks arrive each spring, the dorms are entrenched with drama from a variety of sources. Drama can result from the picks themselves.  Because a lottery system is used to determine the order the residents pick their room, whole sections of dorms might pressure residents to choose rooms in other sections.  These students want to preserve rooms for their friends with lower picks and can sometimes lead to heated arguments between friends and hall mates. 

Drama can also result from conflicts within dorms about which residents get the most prized rooms like the Quint in Sorin or various sized quads across campus.  Since larger, more dynamic rooms are the ones that host parties and other events, many students want to live in them.  Students that want to live in these quads might not have the high room picks that are necessary to obtain them, however; and may resort to bargains or unsavory deals with other residents in order to get the room they desire.

Room pick drama most often (and most importantly) manifests itself by the simple task of everybody in the dorm trying to find a roommate.  Room picks force students to choose one person that they want to be their roommate, and usually result in another friend being left out.  The weeks leading up to room picks (for better or worse) are when students find out who their real friends are, and this heightens tensions throughout the dorms.

Finally, all of these elements come together in one night when the rooms are actually picked.  On this overly dramatic occasion some students make deals or strong arm people, some plot to take the quad that other students were planning to choose, and other students stand off to the side no knowing if they will find a roommate for the next year. 

Room pick drama throws Notre Dame Students into the midst of hyper-dramatic situations (see #19) that make nice people turn mean and timid people get angry; and for all of these reasons why Notre Dame Students shouldn’t like room picks, most students couldn’t imagine dorm life without them.

*Well, at least in the men’s dorms.  Women’s dorms don’t have as much camaraderie because Notre Dame Girls aren’t really friends with each other, and therefore don’t care as much about who they live with.

#79: Explaining to people from other schools how dorms function as Quasi-Frats

Probably the most unique aspect of student life at Notre Dame is the Residence Hall system.  This system is unique not only because 80% of the students live in the dorms, or that these buildings are single-sex, but because the system also necessitates that there is no Greek life at Notre Dame.

The popularity of the dorms combines with the lack of Greek life to create a system that is utterly confounding to students from other schools around the country.  When Notre Dame Students tell their friends about student life, these friends can’t possibly understand why anybody would want to live in a dorm for four years—especially when the dorms operate under the archaic rules of parietals (see #63).

Because of this disconnect, Notre Dame Students use the idea of Fraternities and Sororities to describe the residence hall system at Notre Dame.  The students talk about the camaraderie within the dorms and how students are proud of their dorm.  They talk about interhall sports and other competitions between dorms, and they describe the intense rivalries between dorms.  Notre Dame Students then use these descriptions to describe the dorms at Notre Dame unlike those at most schools, but more akin to Quasi-Fraternities and Sororities.

The irony in this is that Notre Dame Students actually want their dorms to function as Quasi-Frats. 

Notre Dame Students throw dorm parties that aren’t remarkably different from Frat parties with their loud music, crowds of people, and floors covered in beer (but more on those later).  They attempt to haze freshmen with Dis-O rituals that could be found in a Greek System; and they refer to groups of people by the name of their dorm in the same way that students at large state schools describe each other by the name of their Fraternity or Sorority (see #16).  Like fraternities and sororities, a person’s dorm stays with them much longer than they live in it, and Notre Dame Students see the camaraderie and brotherhood in the dorms as the greatest similarity with Greek life at other schools. 

However, while students might describe the dorm system as similar to a Greek one, they ultimately prefer it because of the differences from a Greek system.  While dorm parties might get loud and messy, they are also firmly entrenched in the culture of the Notre Dame Hook-up (see #21).  While some Notre Dame Students participate in something that could be construed as hazing, most Dis-O activities come nowhere close to actually making students do anything embarrassing, unsanitary, or demeaning.  Dorms might get loud and raucous, but unlike Frats they become quiet and controlled when most students need to study.

Notre Dame Students might like to describe dorms as being like Frats, but the reality is that most of the students probably wouldn’t even be involved with Greek life had they ended up at a state school.  The dorm system is uniquely perfect for the students at the school, and it is for this reason that people who aren’t from Notre Dame will never be able to understand it.

#76: Any Type of Basketball that is not watching the Notre Dame Men’s Team

Notre Dame Students have a reputation (at least amongst themselves) for being incredibly athletic.  They enjoy playing intramural sports regularly, and staying in shape by working out and running constantly.  Of all the sports and activities that they like, however, basketball is the most predominant across campus.

Throughout the winter many Notre Dame Students actively participate in pick-up basketball games at The Rock or Rolfs.  Some students spend an amazing number of hours ‘balling’ in these places and sharpening their game in an attempt to get to the round of 32 in the Bookstore Tournament.  When springtime comes, nearly every student participates on a bookstore basketball team on some level.  While the serious players and teams (that usually include varsity Football players) compete to win, other players take it as an opportunity to drink during the day and engage in wild and raucous behavior (see #11).

Despite many Notre Dame Students love for playing basketball, they oddly do not enjoy supporting the Notre Dame Men’s Basketball team as much as would be expected.  The Leprechaun Legion student section is usually far from full (see picture) and it is rarely difficult to find tickets to basketball games on short notice.  The students that do go to games oftentimes come late and leave early and would rather sit down and relax than make enough noise to discomfort the opposing team (except, or course, those that live in Keough Hall).

What is even stranger about the inconsistent enthusiasm for Mike Brey’s team is that many Notre Dame Students are actually huge fans of college basketball.  Throughout the winter months, plenty of games can be seen on televisions in dorms and apartments and most students continue the great American pastime of entering into March Madness pools.  Some Notre Dame Students even remain fervent fans of teams from their home states like Louisville or Kansas even when the Irish are playing well.

Overall, most students at Notre Dame love basketball.  They love playing the sport and they love watching the sport, but when it comes to enthusiastically attending games in the Joyce Center Purcell Pavilion, most students have trouble mustering the energy to put forth the effort.

#68: ‘Studying’ in LaFortune

When the end of the semester approaches, Notre Dame Students lock down into a study mode that is extraordinary to see.  Many students make their way to the library for the first time all year while some students fail to make it out to the bars for the first weekend all year.  Students that are usually hanging around their dorms watching football games throughout the day are nowhere to be found, and the library is the place to see and be seen.

Notre Dame Students each have their own favorite places to study.  Some go to the basement of the library, or the second floor of the library, or one of the many other floors of the library (the place where actual work gets done).  Some students go to Jordan Hall of Science, others go to study rooms in their dorms, and others go to CoMo.  However, the most inexplicable location where Notre Dame Students study for exams en masse is the LaFortune Student Center.

There are very few sensible reasons why studying in LaFortune is a good idea.  Sure there is the Huddle and other mediocre food options (see #14), there are some tables where people can study in groups, parietals are non-existent so couples can study together, and the obvious fact that Starbucks doesn’t have to be snuck into LaFortune (see #22); but can any real studying actually occur within the walls of this building?

LaFortune is a loud building where lots of things are happening.  In addition to the typical groups of people getting their sandwiches and coffee, Finals week features additional distractions from Zahm guys going on the Bun Run, drunk students that are too good for studying, and even rogue Christmas Carolers spreading holiday cheer.  All these things combine to make LaFortune the worst possible place on campus to study for exams.

That’s why nobody actually studies there.

People might go to LaFortune with all of their books, their class notes, and their laptops.  They might spread all of these things haphazardly across a table to give the appearance that they are doing a lot of work, but ultimately they won’t go 45 seconds without stopping to talk with somebody, or checking their Facebook page, or getting up for more coffee and snacks, or playing online games, or reading blogs like this one.  Going to LaFortune to ‘study’ is nothing more than an exercise in procrastination (see #18).

This is the way Notre Dame Students like it.  They go to LaFortune and put up a facade of studiousness so that they can go back to their dorms or apartments and tell all of their roommates and friends that they, “spent 12 hours studying” when they really accomplished nothing all day.  These students use this ‘studying’ to later justify doing things that are SO college (see #11) like going to bars and/or ugly sweater parties (see #66). 

Not only are these students misleading their friends about their long hours of ‘studying’, but usually they are lying to themselves and believing that they are being productive.  Eventually these students might move to a better location where they will actually get work done; but as long as they remain in LaFortune they are merely keeping up the appearance of hard work.

#66.5: Things Fr. Jenkins* Likes

1)       “Going Green”

2)       Creating Controversies

3)       The Academic Forum

4)       Uganda (see #1)

5)       Killing the Vagina Monologues

6)       Running with ROTC Students

7)       Creating a family friendly atmosphere

8)       Groundbreaking Ceremonies for new buildings

9)       Killing the Gay Film Festival

10)   Bill Kirk

11)   Premature Contract Extensions

12)   Academic Freedom (sort of)

13)   Calling ND a ‘research institution’

14)   Sustaining  the city of South Bend

15)   Fr. Malloy (for being an easy act to follow)

*Fr. Jenkins AND the University Administration

#66: Christmastime

Like most good Catholics (or Protestants, or uncomfortably jealous Jews for that matter), Notre Dame Students love Christmastime.  They love this period between Thanksgiving and the end of finals when they get to celebrate the holiday season on campus with all of their friends, and they love all of the festivities that come with it.

Immediately upon returning from Thanksgiving break, Notre Dame Students will begin the process of transforming their dorm rooms or off-campus homes into their own private winter wonderlands.  Students will put up stockings and ornaments, and they will hang Christmas lights everywhere they can possibly hang them.  These lights will remain hanging in their rooms for the entire second semester.

The decorations that won’t remain into the New Year are those that students organize for the outside of their dorms.  While years ago these lights and decorations were simple and elegant, the competitive nature of Notre Dame Students has brought dorm decorations to new levels of excess while wasting away all the credibility of the University’s attempts to ‘go green’ (although, they do look pretty sweet).

During Christmastime, Notre Dame Students feast on the best dining hall meal of the year (the Prime Rib Candlelight dinner) and they oftentimes break out into Christmas carols on a whim.  They exchange gifts with their closest friends and watch Christmas movies as a respite from exam preparation.  They will watch Home Alone, Elf, Bad Santa, The Santa Clause, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Love, Actually (more on that later).

Students will then throw more Christmas parties than any rational person could anticipate.  Those living in the dorms will be booked with multiple SYRs on the lone weekend between Thanksgiving and study days, with certain dorms lucky enough to host their SYR around the Christmas tree under the dome.  These SYRs will undoubtedly feature hundreds of Notre Dame Men wearing the timeless combination of a suit and a Santa hat. 

Meanwhile, off-campus students will throw ‘ugly-sweater parties’ like it is their job.  Because every student has a desire to plan his or her own party (see #25), their social calendars will be booked with such events on every Thursday-Saturday for three weeks straight.  With egg nog, ugly sweaters, and the perfect Christmas playlist that will prominently feature Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You (see #39) and Do They Know It’s Christmas?(see #51) these parties will happen over and over again until everybody goes home for Christmas break.

#65: Riding Bikes in Adverse Conditions

One of the great things about Notre Dame’s campus is that the residential and academic buildings are all relatively close together.  Students can easily walk between the most distant buildings of importance (so, not including Carroll) without exerting an inordinate amount of time or effort.  This pedestrian campus is promoted by an abundance of sidewalks and a lack of cars on campus.

Despite the convenient layout of campus, many students still feel the need to pretend like they are going to a large state school by riding their bikes between buildings.  Because of the short distances, these students will undoubtedly spend more time locking their bike then they will actually riding it (because locking bikes is necessary to prevent them from being stolen—or even worse, finding them hanging in a tree somewhere).

While this biking can be seen merely as a leisure activity in the summer months, Notre Dame Students inexplicably continue to ride their bikes in the inclement weather that lasts from October until May (see #43).  Whether it is snow, sleet, ice, hail, wind, or rain, the biking contingent of Notre Dame Students are relentless like postal workers in their insistence on biking.

These students will put plastic bags on the seats of their bikes to ensure dryness, and then they will hit the ice-covered sidewalks in their perilous quest from their dorm to DeBartolo Hall to the Dining Hall and back.  Never worrying about the inevitable loss of traction, these students will slide across the sidewalk, crash into pedestrians, and get even wetter than their sensibly walking counterparts.

Ultimately, most students will realize that bicycles were simply not built to be ridden around in the adverse conditions of the South Bend winter.  These students, however, will choose not to leave their bike in one place throughout the winter, but will walk their bike across the slick and icy sidewalks so that it will still be with them when the day comes that conditions are more desirable for biking.

#64: Omelets

Like most college students, those at Notre Dame are fairly apathetic towards breakfast.  With the majority of students only having 14 meals on their meal plan each week, and the breakfast hours of the dining halls incompatible with the schedules of many students, there is just no time or place for a traditional breakfast during the typical week.  Most students settle for a bagel and coffee from Waddick’s or Starbucks.

When students do get breakfast in the dining halls, however, they typically make sure to get the omelets from the omelet bars in both dining halls. 

Some students go to the omelet bar regularly throughout the week.  These students have their chosen ingredients set and they get to know the omelet makers quite well throughout their omelet making careers.  Other students only utilize the omelet bar on the weekends when it is a brunch option much later in the day.  These students find that the omelets do great work on hangovers and help the students prepare for a full day of studying.  They eat their omelets while recapping the debauchery of the previous night and thinking through the things they wish they hadn’t done (see #11, doing things that are SO college).

Further students only eat their omelets for special occasions.  Some make special trips to breakfast on mornings when they have early exams and enjoy their omelet as a sort of pre-test pump up meal.  Some students only get omelets when the monogram waffle-makers have gone missing.  Other students make a point to specifically go to the omelet bars the morning after they have pulled an all-nighter.  These omelets act as a triumphal post-game treat after a long night of studying or paper writing.

Overall, most Notre Dame Students find a way to work the occasional omelet into their diet, and the omelet bar is certainly one of the most beloved menu items at either dining hall.

>Note: The pictured omelet is NOT from either Notre Dame dining hall.

#63: Parietals (although they refuse to admit it)

Of all the unique intricacies of dorm life at Notre Dame, or Notre Dame Student culture in general, the most influential aspect is the rule that seemingly infuriates students ensuring that dorms remain single-sex; a rule called Parietals.

The rule of parietals means that at midnight or 2:00 AM (depending on if it’s a weeknight or a weekend) students must remove themselves from dorms of the opposite sex until the next morning.  This means that students (or outside friends and relatives) are not allowed to sleep in dorms of the opposite sex, and they are not allowed to stay later no matter what they are doing.

The majority of Notre Dame Students talk negatively about parietals.  They blame the rule for treating the students like children.  They use the rule as an excuse for poor gender relations amongst students, and they criticize the rule for being too old-fashioned.  If you listen to what they say in public, one might think that Notre Dame Students hate parietals.

Deep down, however, most Notre Dame Students actually like parietals. 

Parietals are a necessary check on Notre Dame Student’s drunken decision making.  They take away the pressure that Notre Dame Students feel about potentially sleeping together, and give Notre Dame Students an excuse not to sleep together (and limit themselves to Notre Dame Hookups at earlier hours, see #21). 

Furthermore, because of the sometimes lackadaisical way that the rule is enforced, students that are in long term relationships are able to break parietals fairly easily without trouble.  These students like to break parietals not only because it allows them to sleep with their significant other, but also because it makes them think that they are completely badass [or awesome].

Parietals force parties to end at reasonable times, giving Notre Dame Students an excuse not to stay awake late into the night.  While Students might sometimes consider staying up late to party, deep down they actually want to get to bed before 3:00 AM on Friday and Saturday nights so that they can wake up early and study on the weekends.  Parietals facilitate the innate desire that Notre Dame Students have to work hard and party hard.

Most importantly, parietals allow students to build strong relationships with the friends in their own dorm.  The most significant times of bonding occur amongst students after parietals when they play video games, participate in single-sex drinking games, and talk about every possible topic that could come up.  Camaraderie is built amongst students after parietals in ways that would be impossible if the other sex was present.

Despite all this, Notre Dame Students will rarely admit to actually liking parietals.  Not only is it very easy to blame poor gender relations on the rule, but it would also be very uncool to champion the rule.  Ultimately, liking parietals is completely counter to being SO college (see #11), and because of this Notre Dame Students will continue to steadfastly pretend that they hate the rule.

#62: Tailgating at Actual Tailgates (as opposed to houses or frats)

Notre Dame Students love football and they love drinking.  Therefore Notre Dame Students love tailgating.  However, tailgating at Notre Dame is different than at most schools because students rarely tailgate at off-campus houses and there are no fraternities to host game day parties.

Students at schools across the country enjoy the pageantry of college football with tailgates.  Most of these tailgates occur within a system of houses and Greek life, however, and rarely involve a vehicle with a legitimate “tailgate.”  Students at these schools wear dress clothing that can’t be comfortable for the games, they play beer pong on porches, they do multistory beer bongs, and they yell obscenities at any fans of the opposing team that happen to walk past their house or fraternity.  Ironically, most of these students will never actually make it anywhere close to the stadium as game time approaches. 

At Notre Dame, however, students enjoy tailgating at actual tailgates where they can complain about the shirt while wearing it (see #2), claim to have inside information about the football team (see #8), be nice to opposing fans (see #13), form small circles (see #24), complain about the weather (see #43), network with alums (see #85), and of course, do things that are SO College (see #11)

As freshmen they like to wander the Joyce and Stadium parking lots hoping that random alums will offer them free food and stories about the good old days.  As sophomores they will seek out tailgates hosted by distant relatives of minor acquaintances where they will get free food and potentially sneak a beer or two.  As juniors, Notre Dame Students will now be friends with these distant relatives of minor acquaintances and they will confidently go to the tailgates knowing that they will be offered plenty of free food and alcohol. 

As seniors, some students host their own tailgates.  While some of these students live close enough to campus where they can attempt to throw a state-school-style house party before the game, other students obtain parking passes and throw tailgates in parking lots such as the infamous Radio Tower (or X) Lot. 

Students who throw these tailgates do everything that they can to make sure that their tailgate is the best tailgate.  They get ridiculous amounts of beer and meat.  They play terrifying drinking games such as full beer flip cup, and they shotgun beers at regularly scheduled intervals.  These students will try to convince underclassmen to come to their tailgates, but the underclassmen will be too scared to show up.

Ultimately, Notre Dame Students love tailgating.  Unlike their peers from other schools across the country however, when the game starts the tailgates end.  Nothing is more important than the game.

#61: The Grotto

“Every university has a place where students hang out for their social life, libraries where they study, and playing fields where they play sports, but how many have a praying place?” –Fr. Hesburgh (see #56)

There are many places on campus that are important to many students.  While students have special connections with their dorms, favorite classroom buildings, study spaces, or dining halls; all Notre Dame Students have an affinity for The Grotto making it one of the most sacred and beloved places on campus.

Tucked away behind the Basilica and facing out towards St. Mary’s Lake, The Grotto is far from being the most prominent or central location on campus.  Built with rocks and adorned with candles and statues, there is nothing immensely impressive about The Grotto.  But as the Stadium is loved for its traditions and grandiosity, and the Dome for being an icon; The Grotto is beloved because of its tranquility and simplicity.

There are no ancillary usages or purposes of The Grotto.  No statues mixing religious iconography with that of football.  No traditions of shotgunning beers or trying to hook up.  Notre Dame Students use it for prayer, not to prove how religious they are, but just to pray because they want or need to.

The Grotto is the place where Students go when they most need it, or when they don’t need it at all.  They go there when they are feeling homesick.  They go there when a relative is sick or has died.  They go there when they have lost their way.  Some students go there regularly to pray, while other students go there more infrequently.  All spend at least a little time there over the course of their four years to think in silent reflection and maybe light a candle [although they rarely leave an offering for said candle, see #3].

Notre Dame Students love The Grotto not because of its beauty or history, but because it is there for them when they need it most.  They love The Grotto because it is theirs, and they love The Grotto because it is one of the many things that are truly unique about Notre Dame.

#52: Talking About Squirrels

One reason why people love the campus of Notre Dame is the layout of grassy quads surrounded by buildings.  The lack of streets going through the middle of campus not only helps to retain and promote this convergence of grass, trees, sidewalks, and buildings; but it also helps the native squirrel population to thrive like no place else.

At Notre Dame, squirrels are everywhere.  They roam the trees and shrubberies of God Quad, burrow under bushes next to dorm entrances, climb trees around the lakes, and run across sidewalks with nothing to fear.  While most students call Notre Dame home, they are merely passing thru; these squirrels will truly never experience life outside the bubble.

These squirrels are not ordinary squirrels, however, but are unusually plump because they make their home at Notre Dame.  While many theories explain the abnormally large squirrels at Notre Dame, the best explanation for their excess is their diet that not only contains nuts, leaves, and natural byproducts of trees, but leftover Sbarro pizzas and half-empty Keystone Lights they find in the dumpsters behind the dorms.

Because of the squirrels’ unusual heft, Notre Dame Students have become obsessed with them.  Notre Dame Students will talk about squirrels far more often than necessary; they will write Observer Viewpoint letters about squirrels, they will take pictures of the squirrels, they leave food in strange places for the squirrels, and they might even name their bookstore basketball teams after squirrels.

At the end of the day, however, the squirrels at Notre Dame are no different than those anywhere else in the world (or at least the greater Midwest) except for the fact that they are talked about by Notre Dame Students in excessively unnecessary ways.