#98: Dorm parties

Without a Greek system at Notre Dame (see #79), students have to rely on different ways than the stereotypical frat party to have their fun.  With a relatively small number of students living off-campus, part of this desire for large raging parties is quenched by the occasional house party, and part of it is satisfied by the even rarer multi-house bonanza (like PigTostal or St. Patrick’s Day).  However, the most common form of partying (that is incredibly unique to Notre Dame) are the dorm parties that ring out across campus every Friday and Saturday night.

Dorm parties are made possible by the incredibly relaxed rules on drinking in many of the men’s residence halls.  While underage drinking is technically not allowed by the rules of ResLife and the Notre Dame Administration, many of the rectors and hall staffs usually turn a blind eye to the consumption of beer within the walls of their hall (but do not extend the same courtesy to hard alcohol).  These rectors believe that since the students are going to act like college students no matter what they do, it is best for them to make their “poor” decisions in a somewhat safe environment within the dorms.  Likewise, because rectresses are usually irrational and crazy (see #59), dorm parties are de facto restricted to men’s dorms.

Dorm parties are a unique type of party which involves a lot of planning and teamwork (see #25).  The first hurdle in planning a dorm party is getting the beer in the dorm.  While hall staff will turn a blind eye to an actual party, they will confiscate beer if they see it.  This means that students must get a 21-year-old to purchase the beer, and then meet him at a discreet location such as Main Circle where the students (almost always freshmen) pick up the beer in duffle bags and carry it back to the dorm.  If a student is caught by police during this process, things will probably end up poorly for him and “pourly” for the beer. 

Once students have obtained beer and secured it in their rooms, the next step in planning a party is to publicize it.  While usually achieved by creating incredibly clever themes (even though almost nobody dresses to the theme), Notre Dame dorm parties usually have a corresponding Facebook event so that their organizers can invite all of the girls they know (men are not invited to dorm parties in another dorm). 

On the day of the party, students clear out all of the small furniture from one or two rooms in their section and make sure that any bars in nearby rooms are well-stocked.  After emptying small furniture and valuables from the rooms, plastic is used to wrap any dressers, desks or beds that might be remaining to prevent them from getting spilled or vomited on.  Notre Dame Students then set up sound systems with the perfect Notre Dame Playlist for the occasion.  Finally, beer is put on ice in a plethora of trash cans in any party room so that it can be easily accessible and cold when people arrive.

Once the party begins, Notre Dame Students turn off the lights in the party rooms (aside from some accent lighting like Christmas lights, strobe lights, or blacklights) and watch as the room fills until it is overflowing with people.  Inside the party room, Notre Dame Students “dance” and “drink” in near- complete darkness while things get really hot and people sweat profusely.  Outside the party room, RAs and rectors monitor the halls, but turn a blind eye to the debauchery happening within the party room.  As long as the doors stay closed, people stay out of the hallway, and nobody is found vomiting in the bathroom, hall staffs in most of the men’s dorms don’t care about what is occurring..  Once the clock strikes 2 A.M., dorm parties are promptly brought to a close by parietals and students drunkenly spill out of the parties and into the friendly confines of Reckers or LaFortune (see #14).

Notre Dame Students like dorm parties because they are a uniquely weird and dorky way of drinking that can  be found only at a school like Notre Dame.  They also like dorm parties for other reasons.  The men who host dorm parties like them because they give girls a reason to come to their rooms, and these parties make it so that the men don’t even have to go outside into the harsh South Bend weather (see #43) for a fun and eventful night of drinking.  Students also love dorm parties because their dark and crowded nature leads to plenty of dance floor makeouts (sometimes even accidentally), which always lends itself to the possibility of a Notre Dame Hook-Up only a few doors down in the man’s bedroom (see #21).  Furthermore, Notre Dame Students love dorm parties because underclassmen can host them on their own, and can avoid having to go to house parties hosted by people they don’t even know.  

However, the biggest reason Notre Dame Students like dorm parties is that they give them an opportunity to drink without risking their stellar reputations with ridiculous arrests.  Since police and NDSP don’t normally come in the dorms, the only people that can get a dorm party patron in trouble are the hall staff, and even when hall staff intervene in out-of-control parties, they usually don’t do much more than send people stumbling off to Reckers.  Notre Dame Students like the safety from arrest that dorm parties provide, and this is the primary reason they have such an affinity for dorm parties.          

#92: Overly elaborate dorm room configurations

It’s already established that residence halls are an important part of life for Notre Dame Students.  At many colleges, dorms might be simply the place where students sleep at night and have a desk to occasionally work; but for Notre Dame Students, dorms actually become their home (and remain as a home for them even after they move out).  In an effort to make their rooms more homey, Notre Dame Students plan and construct the most elaborate dorm rooms possible.

To begin their room construction, Notre Dame Students start at the floor by purchasing wall-to-wall carpeting to cover the tile.  While throw rugs would certainly be the easiest option, Notre Dame Students know that cutting carpeting to perfectly fit their rooms not only looks great and feels comfortable, but requires the extra bit of effort that makes a perfect dorm room (despite the fact that it’s impossible to adequately clean vomit and beer spills out of carpeting).

After their floors are covered, Notre Dame Students will then look for the most efficient way to fit all of the essential beds, desks, wardrobes and dressers into their room.  Being efficient with this is not only important because it saves space for extraneous items later, but it also shows how clever Notre Dame Students can be with using limited resources and building things.  Most Notre Dame Students determine that the best way to go with these essential items is up, and they build elaborate lofts to make their rooms into multi-level enterprises with their beds (and sometimes even desks) high enough off the floor so that they can walk under them and plan a further living space. 

Once they have their essential furniture in place, and have made sure that they have enough room for the largest possible desk chair they can buy at Office Depot, Notre Dame Students shift their attention to the living spaces that are more important to them.  Many students will construct television stands that sometimes act as lofts themselves, oftentimes with room for two or more televisions, mini-fridges, video game systems, sound systems, and cable boxes. 

Notre Dame Students will want their rooms to fit multiple televisions so that they can watch several things at once (especially during football season), and entice as many people as possible to congregate in their room.  To successfully do this, Notre Dame Students will do their best to maximize seating by having multiple couches and chairs in their rooms.  Furthermore, they will maximize viewing opportunities from these couches by raising one or more on cinder blocks above others to create a stadium seating atmosphere that improves sightlines to televisions and shows how serious the residents are about watching sporting events.

As the icing on the cake, Notre Dame Students will construct elaborate bars in their rooms that they will use to host parties and pregames.  These bars will usually have at least one fridge behind them (and oftentimes a blender), as well as a stockpile of liquors, mixers, and a wide array of drinking glasses of all shapes and sizes.  After that, Notre Dame Students will clutter up the walls of their rooms with posters, pennants, flags (see #55), and bar neons in an inexplicable attempt to recreate the atmosphere of a TGI Friday's.

Once they are finished, Notre Dame Students will invite all of their friends over to see how awesome their room is.  They will show it off to people they don’t even know to make themselves feel good.  They will use their awesome room to throw parties and entice people to it, and they will end up losing money maintaining their stockpile of liquor behind the bar.  Ultimately, Notre Dame Students will love these rooms, because once they are complete; they will truly be home.

#89: Dorm stereotypes

During the summer before students begin their freshmen year at Notre Dame, they are randomly assigned to a room in one of the 29 residence halls around campus by the Office of Residence Life and Housing (a.k.a. ResLife).  These hall and roommate assignments are based singularly on a person’s gender, and, unlike many schools, have nothing to do with the preferences of the individual students.  ResLife’s selection process doesn’t include surveys to match compatibility (something that some students might have to do on eHarmony if they fail to get a “Ring by Spring”) and it doesn’t allow the opportunity to room with high school friends or people that students previously met at ND summer programs.  At Notre Dame, freshmen year roommates are selected entirely at random.

These random collections of individuals are one of the main attributes that differentiate dorms from Greek systems at larger universities (see #79).  Not only are students not given a chance to choose the dorm in which they will live, but dorms are not given the opportunity to choose which incoming freshmen they want to live in their dorm.*  Whatever the computer assigns is what the students and halls are stuck with.  In fact, even the process to change dorms after a year is made to be overly difficult for students, meaning they rarely change dorms.

Despite the randomness associated with the system, and the somewhat diverse amount of personalities that exist within each dorm, many dorms have common stereotypes that are associated with them.  Alumni guys are arrogant, Sorin guys are pretentious, Howard girls are slutty.  According to Notre Dame Students, these collections of randomly-assigned individuals seemingly have a lot in common.

Regardless of whether or not these and other stereotypes are true, they spread by being consistently discussed across campus.  Roughly half of the Keenan Revue is dedicated to jokes about how BP girls are fat.  Comics in The Observer never fail to miss an opportunity about how nobody lives in Keough or how Carroll guys are weird.  Notre Dame Students love to group people together by dorm (see #16).

The most fascinating aspect of these ingrained subcultures manifests itself when members of a dorm embrace their particular stereotype to the point of creating a self-fulfilling, self-perpetuating “dormthink.”  This is most clearly demonstrated by the men of Zahm that seemingly take up the mantle of their fake-gayness as soon as they arrive on campus.  While individually these men might not act fake-gay at all, as a dorm they collectively perpetuate the stereotype and give the dorm a far different identity than other dorms.

Because of all this, Notre Dame Students love dorm stereotypes.  They love the idea that their halls have identities and traditions of their own (see #40), and they love being a part of these communities.  Even if individual members of halls don’t display the traits for which they are known, Notre Dame Students embrace the stereotypes to build and perpetuate the communities that they love.

*Generally this is true, but it should be noted that there is a double-secret process by which rectors can pull a handful of specific students (usually younger siblings) into their hall.  It is unclear how this process works and how often it is used.

#85.5: Things Notre Dame Alumni Like

1.       Complaining about the football team, regardless of what happens on the field

2.       Threatening to halt donations

3.       Hiring ND Students

4.       Reminiscing about the bars at five corners

5.       Complaining about Tom Hammond and Pat Haden

6.       Getting indignant about losing catholic identity

7.       Using the word ‘draconian’ to describe University policies

8.       Dorm mass after football games

9.       The Sorin Society and other donation based organizations

10.    Talking about how they couldn’t get into ND if they applied today

11.    Ara Parseghian

12.    Knowing the lyrics to now-obscure school songs

13.    Buying property in South Bend

14.    Complaining about the football schedule

15.    Vanity license plates

16.    Talking about the quarterback from the year they graduated

17.    Being quiet during football games while complaining about a lack of noise in the stadium

18.    Rocco’s

19.    Pep Rallys (both talking about how awesome they used to be in the old Fieldhouse and actively contributing to the modern incarnation being significantly less awesome)

20.    Monogram sweater-vests

21.    Hoping their local city hosts an off-site game, and then complaining about the existence of the off-site games

22.    Playing catch with their children on South Quad

23.    Lamenting the loss of the University Club

24.    Being randomly generous to current students

25.    Having their kids attend the University of Notre Dame

#80: Room Pick Drama

Because the dorm system at Notre Dame operates in a distinctive way (see #79), the respective dorms use unique procedures to determine which students live in which rooms.  While incoming Freshmen are randomly assigned to dorms, sections, and roommates; the rest of the student body must endure the overly dramatic tensions surrounding room picks as they attempt to ensure they get the room situation they desire.

While the dorm system fosters camaraderie amongst residents, it also leads to these residents wanting to live with or near the people whom they most often socialize.* In many dorms this creates smaller sections within the dorm that members want to stay in from year to year or potentially move into.  These sections, however, only have a certain number and type of rooms; and these limitations create tension amongst residents and potential residents.

When room picks arrive each spring, the dorms are entrenched with drama from a variety of sources. Drama can result from the picks themselves.  Because a lottery system is used to determine the order the residents pick their room, whole sections of dorms might pressure residents to choose rooms in other sections.  These students want to preserve rooms for their friends with lower picks and can sometimes lead to heated arguments between friends and hall mates. 

Drama can also result from conflicts within dorms about which residents get the most prized rooms like the Quint in Sorin or various sized quads across campus.  Since larger, more dynamic rooms are the ones that host parties and other events, many students want to live in them.  Students that want to live in these quads might not have the high room picks that are necessary to obtain them, however; and may resort to bargains or unsavory deals with other residents in order to get the room they desire.

Room pick drama most often (and most importantly) manifests itself by the simple task of everybody in the dorm trying to find a roommate.  Room picks force students to choose one person that they want to be their roommate, and usually result in another friend being left out.  The weeks leading up to room picks (for better or worse) are when students find out who their real friends are, and this heightens tensions throughout the dorms.

Finally, all of these elements come together in one night when the rooms are actually picked.  On this overly dramatic occasion some students make deals or strong arm people, some plot to take the quad that other students were planning to choose, and other students stand off to the side no knowing if they will find a roommate for the next year. 

Room pick drama throws Notre Dame Students into the midst of hyper-dramatic situations (see #19) that make nice people turn mean and timid people get angry; and for all of these reasons why Notre Dame Students shouldn’t like room picks, most students couldn’t imagine dorm life without them.

*Well, at least in the men’s dorms.  Women’s dorms don’t have as much camaraderie because Notre Dame Girls aren’t really friends with each other, and therefore don’t care as much about who they live with.

#79: Explaining to people from other schools how dorms function as Quasi-Frats

Probably the most unique aspect of student life at Notre Dame is the Residence Hall system.  This system is unique not only because 80% of the students live in the dorms, or that these buildings are single-sex, but because the system also necessitates that there is no Greek life at Notre Dame.

The popularity of the dorms combines with the lack of Greek life to create a system that is utterly confounding to students from other schools around the country.  When Notre Dame Students tell their friends about student life, these friends can’t possibly understand why anybody would want to live in a dorm for four years—especially when the dorms operate under the archaic rules of parietals (see #63).

Because of this disconnect, Notre Dame Students use the idea of Fraternities and Sororities to describe the residence hall system at Notre Dame.  The students talk about the camaraderie within the dorms and how students are proud of their dorm.  They talk about interhall sports and other competitions between dorms, and they describe the intense rivalries between dorms.  Notre Dame Students then use these descriptions to describe the dorms at Notre Dame unlike those at most schools, but more akin to Quasi-Fraternities and Sororities.

The irony in this is that Notre Dame Students actually want their dorms to function as Quasi-Frats. 

Notre Dame Students throw dorm parties that aren’t remarkably different from Frat parties with their loud music, crowds of people, and floors covered in beer (but more on those later).  They attempt to haze freshmen with Dis-O rituals that could be found in a Greek System; and they refer to groups of people by the name of their dorm in the same way that students at large state schools describe each other by the name of their Fraternity or Sorority (see #16).  Like fraternities and sororities, a person’s dorm stays with them much longer than they live in it, and Notre Dame Students see the camaraderie and brotherhood in the dorms as the greatest similarity with Greek life at other schools. 

However, while students might describe the dorm system as similar to a Greek one, they ultimately prefer it because of the differences from a Greek system.  While dorm parties might get loud and messy, they are also firmly entrenched in the culture of the Notre Dame Hook-up (see #21).  While some Notre Dame Students participate in something that could be construed as hazing, most Dis-O activities come nowhere close to actually making students do anything embarrassing, unsanitary, or demeaning.  Dorms might get loud and raucous, but unlike Frats they become quiet and controlled when most students need to study.

Notre Dame Students might like to describe dorms as being like Frats, but the reality is that most of the students probably wouldn’t even be involved with Greek life had they ended up at a state school.  The dorm system is uniquely perfect for the students at the school, and it is for this reason that people who aren’t from Notre Dame will never be able to understand it.

#74: Giving Up THE Most Outrageous thing for Lent

Notre Dame Students love lent.  They love not seeing priests wear green every week, they love their inability to eat meat on Fridays, and they love the food the dining hall is able to prepare each Friday without meat (actually, they don’t love this at all, but hate it).  However, the most important part of Lent for Notre Dame Students is what they choose to give up for the season.

Many Notre Dame Students feel an incessant need to prove how Catholic they are to all of their peers and this desire oftentimes manifests itself by making religion a competition amongst students (see #4).  One way that Notre Dame Students can prove that they are more Catholic than other Notre Dame Students is by giving up something for Lent that is more outrageous and ridiculous than what their friends give up.

For some people these sacrifices are related to food.  Students might give up meat during all of Lent or give up something even crazier like cheese.  Some might give up Starbucks (see #22) or Reckers (see #14) while others might expand on that and give up all fried food.  Many Notre Dame girls might attempt to give up the FroYo machine, but this doesn’t last long.  Still others might take things a step further and limit or cease their consumption of alcohol during Lent. 

Many students give up completely different things ranging from using the elevator in their dorm (obviously only possible in the newer dorms) to something along the lines of the infamous Seinfeld episode, The Contest.  Other students might try to add something to their daily routine like working out more, studying more, or praying more. 

While Notre Dame Students might give many reasons for making sacrifices during Lent, deep down they all know that the things they give up for Lent are meant as a way to show other people how Catholic they are and how much more religious they are than the typical student.  All Notre Dame Students want to be the MOST Catholic student, and Lenten sacrifice is just another way to accomplish this objective.

#73: Digger Phelps

Basketball season at Notre Dame is usually most notable because it is the end of the football season, but there are certain things about Notre Dame Basketball that are uniquely enjoyed by Notre Dame Students (at least some students).  Digger Phelps is one of those things.

Digger Phelps was the head basketball coach at Notre Dame in the 70’s and 80’s, and probably the most successful coach in the history of Notre Dame Basketball.  He holds the NCAA record for most upsets of number one ranked teams, and led the Irish to their only appearance in the Final Four in 1977.  He is the son of an undertaker.

Despite the fact that these successes occurred before current Notre Dame Students were even born, the student body likes Digger Phelps for things that have nothing to do with his coaching prowess. 

Like Lou Holtz (see #23), current Notre Dame students like Digger Phelps for his oversized personality and his appearance on the ESPN College GameDay program (the basketball version).  Similarly to Holtz, Phelps uses the program to make unreasonable predictions about how the Fighting Irish will do in their games (although unlike Holtz he is capable of picking against the Irish squad) and as a way to showcase his uncanny ability to match the color of his highlighter to the color of his necktie.

Not only do Notre Dame Students like Digger Phelps for the unnecessary publicity he brings to their basketball program, but they also like him for his willingness to make frequent appearances on campus for events ranging from pep rallies to dorm talks.  At pep rallies, he is one of the most intense speakers the university has at its disposal, and he can make the crowd overly excited even when the team’s predicament is most dire.

If his pep rallies are noted for their intensity, his dorm talks are noted for their bizarreness.  When Digger starts talking in a dorm he will seamlessly transition from talking about his life and his career in basketball to talking about his political opinions about globalization and America’s future.  While oftentimes unpredictable, these talks can be even more interesting than those of the beloved Fr. Hesburgh (see #56)

Overall, Notre Dame Students like Digger Phelps because his personality matches their zeal and his devotion to the school brings him back again and again.  Whether they see him at pep rallies, on ESPN, at dorm events, or in the bars around South Bend, Digger Phelps can excite students in a way that few personalities are able.

#69: Love, Actually

Notre Dame Students love Christmas movies.  They love Elf for its contemporary nuttiness, oftentimes repeating quotes such as, “Bye Buddy, hope you find your Dad,” when somebody leaves a party or small circle (see #24).  They love It’s a Wonderful Life for its classic story and timeless Frank Capra themes, and they love Home Alone for its childhood memories of high jinks (as well as tiring debates about how many times Marv and Harry should have died over the course of the film).  While many people of different ages around the country love each of these movies (as well others) there is one movie that Notre Dame Students love so much more than it is typically loved.

That movie is the ‘Ultimate Romantic Comedy’: Love, Actually. 

Notre Dame Students love Love, Actually because it is a movie that brings together the joy of the Christmas season with the satisfaction of a good romantic comedy.  Not only do they love Christmastime (see #66), but Notre Dame Students also love romantic comedies because they love to love.  Notre Dame Students love their families, they love their roommates, they love their friends, they love their girlfriends/boyfriends, and they love their school; so it makes sense that they would love a movie that is ostensibly about love.

Love, Actually is that movie. 

What Notre Dame Students love about the film is the fact that everybody can relate to a different story in it (except the one with the guy who’s in love with his best friend’s wife; that’s just sleazy).  Some students love Sarah’s (Laura Linney) storyline because it shows a person that needs and loves her family over anything else.  Others love Jaime’s (Colin Firth) storyline because it shows how love can triumph over immense barriers like language.  Still others count Karen’s (Emma Thompson) and Harry’s (Alan Rickman) story as their favorite because it depicts a love for children.

While everybody loves Sam’s story (mainly because it ends with a rousing rendition of All I Want For Christmas Is You (see #39)), and few dislike the hilarious antics of Billy Mack (Bill Nighy); one of the more beloved storylines in Love, Actually is the story of the Prime Minister (Hugh Grant).  While the details of this tale are satisfactory, the climax of the story is when he gives the speech touting everything that is great about Britain.  Not only is this a great speech in the vein of Rockne and Holtz (see #15), but it also plays to the Anglophile sensibilities of most Notre Dame Students.

Overall, the storylines of Love, Actually make it a film that Notre Dame Students feel comfortable watching with their parents, with a group of friends in the dorm, with members of the opposite sex that they are just platonically friends with, and with members of the opposite sex that they are attempting to ‘Notre Dame Hook-Up’ with right before parietals (see #21 and #63).  Because of this, it has become an unlikely classic amongst Notre Dame Students and a film that they continue to treasure and love (of course) every holiday season.

#68: ‘Studying’ in LaFortune

When the end of the semester approaches, Notre Dame Students lock down into a study mode that is extraordinary to see.  Many students make their way to the library for the first time all year while some students fail to make it out to the bars for the first weekend all year.  Students that are usually hanging around their dorms watching football games throughout the day are nowhere to be found, and the library is the place to see and be seen.

Notre Dame Students each have their own favorite places to study.  Some go to the basement of the library, or the second floor of the library, or one of the many other floors of the library (the place where actual work gets done).  Some students go to Jordan Hall of Science, others go to study rooms in their dorms, and others go to CoMo.  However, the most inexplicable location where Notre Dame Students study for exams en masse is the LaFortune Student Center.

There are very few sensible reasons why studying in LaFortune is a good idea.  Sure there is the Huddle and other mediocre food options (see #14), there are some tables where people can study in groups, parietals are non-existent so couples can study together, and the obvious fact that Starbucks doesn’t have to be snuck into LaFortune (see #22); but can any real studying actually occur within the walls of this building?

LaFortune is a loud building where lots of things are happening.  In addition to the typical groups of people getting their sandwiches and coffee, Finals week features additional distractions from Zahm guys going on the Bun Run, drunk students that are too good for studying, and even rogue Christmas Carolers spreading holiday cheer.  All these things combine to make LaFortune the worst possible place on campus to study for exams.

That’s why nobody actually studies there.

People might go to LaFortune with all of their books, their class notes, and their laptops.  They might spread all of these things haphazardly across a table to give the appearance that they are doing a lot of work, but ultimately they won’t go 45 seconds without stopping to talk with somebody, or checking their Facebook page, or getting up for more coffee and snacks, or playing online games, or reading blogs like this one.  Going to LaFortune to ‘study’ is nothing more than an exercise in procrastination (see #18).

This is the way Notre Dame Students like it.  They go to LaFortune and put up a facade of studiousness so that they can go back to their dorms or apartments and tell all of their roommates and friends that they, “spent 12 hours studying” when they really accomplished nothing all day.  These students use this ‘studying’ to later justify doing things that are SO college (see #11) like going to bars and/or ugly sweater parties (see #66). 

Not only are these students misleading their friends about their long hours of ‘studying’, but usually they are lying to themselves and believing that they are being productive.  Eventually these students might move to a better location where they will actually get work done; but as long as they remain in LaFortune they are merely keeping up the appearance of hard work.

#66: Christmastime

Like most good Catholics (or Protestants, or uncomfortably jealous Jews for that matter), Notre Dame Students love Christmastime.  They love this period between Thanksgiving and the end of finals when they get to celebrate the holiday season on campus with all of their friends, and they love all of the festivities that come with it.

Immediately upon returning from Thanksgiving break, Notre Dame Students will begin the process of transforming their dorm rooms or off-campus homes into their own private winter wonderlands.  Students will put up stockings and ornaments, and they will hang Christmas lights everywhere they can possibly hang them.  These lights will remain hanging in their rooms for the entire second semester.

The decorations that won’t remain into the New Year are those that students organize for the outside of their dorms.  While years ago these lights and decorations were simple and elegant, the competitive nature of Notre Dame Students has brought dorm decorations to new levels of excess while wasting away all the credibility of the University’s attempts to ‘go green’ (although, they do look pretty sweet).

During Christmastime, Notre Dame Students feast on the best dining hall meal of the year (the Prime Rib Candlelight dinner) and they oftentimes break out into Christmas carols on a whim.  They exchange gifts with their closest friends and watch Christmas movies as a respite from exam preparation.  They will watch Home Alone, Elf, Bad Santa, The Santa Clause, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Love, Actually (more on that later).

Students will then throw more Christmas parties than any rational person could anticipate.  Those living in the dorms will be booked with multiple SYRs on the lone weekend between Thanksgiving and study days, with certain dorms lucky enough to host their SYR around the Christmas tree under the dome.  These SYRs will undoubtedly feature hundreds of Notre Dame Men wearing the timeless combination of a suit and a Santa hat. 

Meanwhile, off-campus students will throw ‘ugly-sweater parties’ like it is their job.  Because every student has a desire to plan his or her own party (see #25), their social calendars will be booked with such events on every Thursday-Saturday for three weeks straight.  With egg nog, ugly sweaters, and the perfect Christmas playlist that will prominently feature Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You (see #39) and Do They Know It’s Christmas?(see #51) these parties will happen over and over again until everybody goes home for Christmas break.

#65: Riding Bikes in Adverse Conditions

One of the great things about Notre Dame’s campus is that the residential and academic buildings are all relatively close together.  Students can easily walk between the most distant buildings of importance (so, not including Carroll) without exerting an inordinate amount of time or effort.  This pedestrian campus is promoted by an abundance of sidewalks and a lack of cars on campus.

Despite the convenient layout of campus, many students still feel the need to pretend like they are going to a large state school by riding their bikes between buildings.  Because of the short distances, these students will undoubtedly spend more time locking their bike then they will actually riding it (because locking bikes is necessary to prevent them from being stolen—or even worse, finding them hanging in a tree somewhere).

While this biking can be seen merely as a leisure activity in the summer months, Notre Dame Students inexplicably continue to ride their bikes in the inclement weather that lasts from October until May (see #43).  Whether it is snow, sleet, ice, hail, wind, or rain, the biking contingent of Notre Dame Students are relentless like postal workers in their insistence on biking.

These students will put plastic bags on the seats of their bikes to ensure dryness, and then they will hit the ice-covered sidewalks in their perilous quest from their dorm to DeBartolo Hall to the Dining Hall and back.  Never worrying about the inevitable loss of traction, these students will slide across the sidewalk, crash into pedestrians, and get even wetter than their sensibly walking counterparts.

Ultimately, most students will realize that bicycles were simply not built to be ridden around in the adverse conditions of the South Bend winter.  These students, however, will choose not to leave their bike in one place throughout the winter, but will walk their bike across the slick and icy sidewalks so that it will still be with them when the day comes that conditions are more desirable for biking.

#63: Parietals (although they refuse to admit it)

Of all the unique intricacies of dorm life at Notre Dame, or Notre Dame Student culture in general, the most influential aspect is the rule that seemingly infuriates students ensuring that dorms remain single-sex; a rule called Parietals.

The rule of parietals means that at midnight or 2:00 AM (depending on if it’s a weeknight or a weekend) students must remove themselves from dorms of the opposite sex until the next morning.  This means that students (or outside friends and relatives) are not allowed to sleep in dorms of the opposite sex, and they are not allowed to stay later no matter what they are doing.

The majority of Notre Dame Students talk negatively about parietals.  They blame the rule for treating the students like children.  They use the rule as an excuse for poor gender relations amongst students, and they criticize the rule for being too old-fashioned.  If you listen to what they say in public, one might think that Notre Dame Students hate parietals.

Deep down, however, most Notre Dame Students actually like parietals. 

Parietals are a necessary check on Notre Dame Student’s drunken decision making.  They take away the pressure that Notre Dame Students feel about potentially sleeping together, and give Notre Dame Students an excuse not to sleep together (and limit themselves to Notre Dame Hookups at earlier hours, see #21). 

Furthermore, because of the sometimes lackadaisical way that the rule is enforced, students that are in long term relationships are able to break parietals fairly easily without trouble.  These students like to break parietals not only because it allows them to sleep with their significant other, but also because it makes them think that they are completely badass [or awesome].

Parietals force parties to end at reasonable times, giving Notre Dame Students an excuse not to stay awake late into the night.  While Students might sometimes consider staying up late to party, deep down they actually want to get to bed before 3:00 AM on Friday and Saturday nights so that they can wake up early and study on the weekends.  Parietals facilitate the innate desire that Notre Dame Students have to work hard and party hard.

Most importantly, parietals allow students to build strong relationships with the friends in their own dorm.  The most significant times of bonding occur amongst students after parietals when they play video games, participate in single-sex drinking games, and talk about every possible topic that could come up.  Camaraderie is built amongst students after parietals in ways that would be impossible if the other sex was present.

Despite all this, Notre Dame Students will rarely admit to actually liking parietals.  Not only is it very easy to blame poor gender relations on the rule, but it would also be very uncool to champion the rule.  Ultimately, liking parietals is completely counter to being SO college (see #11), and because of this Notre Dame Students will continue to steadfastly pretend that they hate the rule.

#59:Hating Rectresses

One aspect of student life that sets the University of Notre Dame apart from other institutions of higher learning is the importance of dorm life for the students.  There are many unique aspects of dorm life at Notre Dame ranging from drinking traditions to dorm masses, but no aspect of dorm life affects the students more than the rectors and rectresses that live in and are in charge of the dorms.

Rectors and rectresses at Notre Dame are tasked with a myriad of responsibilities to ensure that the residence halls run smoothly and remain places that students want to live.  They assist their halls’ councils in order to plan events that the residents want to make dorm life interesting.  They promote faith in their dorms by encouraging residents to go to hall mass (and oftentimes saying mass if they are a priest).  They also serve as advisors to residents that are there to help them through personal issues of all kinds.

The most prominent responsibility of rectors and rectresses, however, is their position as the leader of the hall staffs of their respective dorms.  This position not only allows them to hand pick assistant rectors and resident assistants, but it also allows them to determine the degree to which university rules are enforced within their dorms.  Parietals might be in effect, liquor and drinking games might be banned, and parties might be limited, but all of these university rules impact students to varying degrees based on how severely their rector or rectress enforces them.

For the most part, the rectors in men’s halls are fairly lenient with the rules.  Alcohol flows freely (if not openly) in the men’s halls as dorm parties are a commonplace, beer pong and 40s are never far away, and liquor is sometimes seen at unnecessarily high levels.  Many rectors seemingly understand that the residents of their halls are college students and will act like college students regardless of the rules.  For their leniencies in enforcing the rules (while managing to keep the dorms incredibly safe) these rectors are beloved by their students and oftentimes form strong relationships with them.

However, women’s halls do not have the same luxuries because rectresses at Notre Dame are not nearly as lenient as rectors.  In fact, rectresses are so stringent with the enforcement of their rules that there is an enormous disparity between life in a men’s dorm and life in a women’s dorm.  While most men’s dorms play host to parties each weekend, women’s dorms never host parties.  While some Notre Dame men feel comfortable building bars in their dorm rooms, women must go to elaborate measure to bring even small amounts of beer, liquor, or wine into their rooms (and when they turn 21, they’re constantly accused of supplying alcohol to younger residents). 

These disparities have resulted in Notre Dame Women having fairly negative relationships with their rectresses.  While rectors might be seen as mentors, advisors, or friends in men’s dorms; rectresses are seen as judge, jury, and executioner.  Likewise, rectresses oftentimes develop hostile relationships with males who happen to enter their dorms.  Friends, boyfriends, and even brothers are not seen by rectresses as the well-intending Notre Dame Students they usually are, but as binge drinking heathens that force feed girls so much alcohol that they turn up passed out in shrubberies in front of Welsh Fam or Lyons. 

Rectresses run their dorms like convents where even the slightest infraction is seen as a truly troubling character flaw.  They try to be mothers to their residents but have no idea how to actually be mothers.  They treat their residents like children and are seemingly incapable of giving them the benefit of the doubt.  They are overly judgmental and overbearing, and many of them need to be replaced.  Because of this, rectresses across campus are unfortunately hated strongly disliked by Notre Dame Students.

#56: Father Hesburgh

There are a lot of priests that live and work at the University of Notre Dame.  While some live in the dorms, others live in Corby Hall.  While some teach classes, others work as rectors and administrators.  While some are loathed by students, others are beloved; but no Holy Cross priest is as cherished and revered as the legendary University President emeritus Rev. Theodore M Hesburgh, C.S.C.

Notre Dame Students love Father Hesburgh because he is a living legend.  They dream of opportunities to make their way into his library penthouse, and oftentimes ride the elevators needlessly up and down hoping for a brief chat with him.  They crowd in dorm lounges to hear his stories of American Presidents and Civil Rights leaders and they cherish the pictures they are able to take with him at these events. 

Why, however, do Notre Dame Students love a man whose greatest achievements (besides all of those honorary degrees) occurred before they were even born?  While some Notre Dame Students love Father Hesburgh because he is a really old and influential priest that vividly shares many of his fascinating stories with them, the majority of Notre Dame Students hold such high regards for Father Hesburgh because of his effortless superiority to his successors.

Since Father Hesburgh retired, the Notre Dame community has had the privilege of being led by two men that could never be able to match up to the lofty standards set by their predecessor.  While these men tried (and have been trying) admirably, the Notre Dame Student body longs for the days when SYRs were permitted, liquor could be consumed, controversies were at a minimum, and the football team managed to at least come close to expectations.

Notre Dame Students love Father Hesburgh because he made the university the excellent place that it is today.  Under his leadership, Notre Dame was transformed into a top flight academic school that still managed to field a top flight football team.  He is a great man who used his position as University President to impact change not merely within the Notre Dame bubble, but across the entire country; and Notre Dame Students understand that they are privileged whenever they get a chance to encounter this living legend.

#55: Hanging Irish Flags

Almost all Notre Dame Students like to claim they have some sort of Irish heritage no matter where their family actually comes from.  These students live for St. Patrick’s Day (well, who doesn’t), they have several albums by Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly (even though those bands come from Boston and LA respectively), they care deeply about the direction of their Claddagh Rings (see #6), they sip Baileys to help them fall asleep, and they do whatever it takes to get into the Dublin study abroad program (or they enter the Saint Mary’s program).  The one thing that all of these students are sure to do, however, is hang an Irish Flag in their dorm room or apartment.

While there is nothing wrong with hanging Irish Flags, these flags are as ubiquitous in Notre Dame Student’s rooms as sweatpants, Rudy posters, and spooning (see #49, #30, and #27).  It would be nearly impossible to walk down a hall of any dorm on campus and not see several of these flags draped across the walls of rooms.

Many students take the flag craze to the next level and work to complement their Irish flag with other flags.  Some rooms will have flags of their state next to an Irish flag.  Other rooms will have Notre Dame Flags next to their Irish Flag.  While the types of flags may vary (including Cubs W flags, Premiere League team flags, and unfortunately some Confederate flags), most students use some sort of flag combination to decorate their rooms because the flags are somewhat easy to hang, take up a lot of space, and don’t show wear and tear in the same way that posters do.

Whatever the case may be, Notre Dame Students love to hang their Irish flags so that everybody can know how Irish they are (or wish that they were), and so that the walls will have more clutter and character (similar to a Bennigan’s) that clearly defines the occupants of the room as one thing: a Notre Dame Student.

#53: Chipotle

By the end of their freshmen year, Notre Dame Students will look for any reason to go off-campus for meals.  Having tested every possible combination of food in their dining hall of choice, Notre Dame Students get into the cars that they weren’t allowed to have when they first arrived and seek out eateries on and around the Grape Road corridor (because that’s the only place students know how to get to).

Of all the eateries that Notre Dame Students frequent, none is as popular or beloved than Chipotle.  Notre Dame Students love the taste of their overly processed fake Mexican food just as much as they love any of the items on this list, and for many years they had been more than willing to take 90 minutes out of their busy days to drive to Mishawaka to satisfy their craving for burritos. 

This week, however, a new Chipotle location is opening in the Eddy Street Commons.  Because the Chipotle is the one place within this overly sterilized downtown area that Notre Dame Students will actually frequent, it is the only place that they have been waiting for. 

Because of the degree to which Notre Dame Students love Chipotle, it goes without saying that this location will quickly become the busiest Chipotle in the world (just like the Subway in LaFortune . . or not) because Notre Dame Students will now be able to ride their bikes or even walk to the location. 

Before long, this eatery will be so successful that the dining halls will have to examine their profit margins, Rocco’s will have to increase their already exorbitant prices, and off-campus students will do far less cooking than the trivial amount they currently do.  With a Chipotle closer to campus than Carroll Hall, Notre Dame Students will see little to no reason to explore other dining options. 

#52: Talking About Squirrels

One reason why people love the campus of Notre Dame is the layout of grassy quads surrounded by buildings.  The lack of streets going through the middle of campus not only helps to retain and promote this convergence of grass, trees, sidewalks, and buildings; but it also helps the native squirrel population to thrive like no place else.

At Notre Dame, squirrels are everywhere.  They roam the trees and shrubberies of God Quad, burrow under bushes next to dorm entrances, climb trees around the lakes, and run across sidewalks with nothing to fear.  While most students call Notre Dame home, they are merely passing thru; these squirrels will truly never experience life outside the bubble.

These squirrels are not ordinary squirrels, however, but are unusually plump because they make their home at Notre Dame.  While many theories explain the abnormally large squirrels at Notre Dame, the best explanation for their excess is their diet that not only contains nuts, leaves, and natural byproducts of trees, but leftover Sbarro pizzas and half-empty Keystone Lights they find in the dumpsters behind the dorms.

Because of the squirrels’ unusual heft, Notre Dame Students have become obsessed with them.  Notre Dame Students will talk about squirrels far more often than necessary; they will write Observer Viewpoint letters about squirrels, they will take pictures of the squirrels, they leave food in strange places for the squirrels, and they might even name their bookstore basketball teams after squirrels.

At the end of the day, however, the squirrels at Notre Dame are no different than those anywhere else in the world (or at least the greater Midwest) except for the fact that they are talked about by Notre Dame Students in excessively unnecessary ways. 

#45: Becoming Eucharistic Ministers

One of the most unique aspects of Notre Dame is the religious component of the school. Because of this, Notre Dame Students hold a special place in their heart for things of or related to Catholicism. Notre Dame Students love the fact that they are Catholic and they love any opportunity to show other students how Catholic they are (see #4). One specific way in which students do this is by becoming Eucharistic Ministers.

While becoming a Eucharistic Minister is a very demanding process that requires students to show up at the Basilica on a Tuesday night; performing the tasks of a Eucharistic Minister are some of the most rewarding aspects of the Notre Dame experience. Students who become Eucharistic Ministers not only get to attend mass with all of their peers, but they have a critically central role that allows them to participate in the mass more than their peers.

There is no greater thrill for a Notre Dame Student than having a reason to stand near the altar at a important moment during mass. While lectors, singers, and petitioners all get to do this at one point or another; their positions are much less important because they are based on skill in speech and song (or simply signing on a list). Eucharistic Ministers, on the other hand, have an important task in the Mass that says something about their religiosity.

Eucharistic Ministers experience their share of perks and downsides to the job when they get called up to the big leagues and perform it in the Basilica. While this is a true honor, these students must unfortunately deal with the occasional churchgoer who insists upon taking the Eucharist with his or her mouth, something that no Student in their right mind would attempt in the dorm. However, students in the position also experience the benefit of being able to chug copious amounts of wine behind the altar while announcements are being made [too bad I made a Franzia reference in my last post].

At the end of the day these Eucharistic Ministers much prefer doing their job in the dorms because that is where they are best able to prove to all of their friends how Catholic they are, and how much better they are as people.