#99: Long-term relationships

The problem of gender relations at Notre Dame is one of the biggest complaints people have about student life at the school.  Students complain that the combination of single-sex dorms and parietals is a system of the past that discourages friendship between the sexes (see #63).  The continuance of dorm parties being informally restricted to men’s halls (see #98) even further separates the genders on a day-to-day basis and leads to awkwardness at all turns. 

The result of these things is that men and women at Notre Dame do not often foster actual friendships with each other or even really go on informal dates with one another.  Instead, men and women at Notre Dame consistently find their sole interaction in long-term relationships.

Notre Dame does not have a significant dating culture.  One day, Notre Dame Students are hooking up together, and the next day sees them turning around Claddagh rings (see #6) and changing Facebook statuses to show and tell the world that they have entered into a relationship.  The lack of dating at Notre Dame stems not only from the complete lack of avenues to develop rich friendships between the sexes, but it also is caused by the lack of nearby dating options.  Although this could be changing with the recently opened Eddy Street Commons, the fact that Notre Dame exists in its own little bubble, distinctly separated from the outside, leaves students with few places to go on dates beyond the dining halls.  While “dining hall dates” are certainly popular, their awkwardness is a further detractor from a dating culture in general.

However, the lack of a dating culture does not mean a lack of relationships.  Notre Dame Students love entering into long-term relationships primarily because they love the idea of marriage (see #91), but also because they love all of the things that go along with long-term relationships. 

Notre Dame men like long-term relationships because they sometimes grant them an opportunity to go beyond the Notre Dame Hook-Up and into a new territory of intimacy (see #21).  These men have a person to consistently break parietals with, and this gives them an opportunity to show their friends and hallmates how awesome they are (even if they are not awesome at all).

Notre Dame women like long-term relationships for reasons beyond the direction of their Claddagh rings.  For women, a long-term relationship gives them a strong group of friends to hang out with that they might not have if they only hang out with other girls.  It’s no secret that Notre Dame men form stronger groups and have a more intense level of brotherhood between them than Notre Dame women, and so they are happy to allow girls into their groups when their friends begin a relationship.  Because of this, many Notre Dame women end up being better friends with their boyfriends’ hallmates than they ever were with their own hallmates.  The relationship, therefore, allows a Notre Dame woman to become a part of all the things that make men’s halls great, like room pick drama (see #80), playing video games, and the weekly hugfest known as the Rite of Peace during Sunday night dorm Mass (see #10).

Once they come together in their long- term relationships, Notre Dame Couples like all of the things that make a relationship great.  They like spooning on couches where everybody can see them (see #27), wearing each others sweatpants (see #49), and playing footsy while “studying” together in LaFortune (see #68).  They like watching Love, Actually together and arguing about how justified Mark’s actions are (see #69).  They like walking around the lakes, actual dates at Papa Vino’s, and staying in on weekend nights because they no longer need to look for dance-floor makeouts at dorm parties and Finny’s. 

Overall, Notre Dame Students like long-term relationships because they like to love and be loved.  They like the consistency that comes with a relationship, and hate having to resort to the hook- up culture.  They like to think that the person they are dating is the one they will be with for the rest of their life, that they will get married to each other in the Basilica, watch their kids become Notre Dame Students in their own right, and that they will grow old together and live happily ever after.

#98: Dorm parties

Without a Greek system at Notre Dame (see #79), students have to rely on different ways than the stereotypical frat party to have their fun.  With a relatively small number of students living off-campus, part of this desire for large raging parties is quenched by the occasional house party, and part of it is satisfied by the even rarer multi-house bonanza (like PigTostal or St. Patrick’s Day).  However, the most common form of partying (that is incredibly unique to Notre Dame) are the dorm parties that ring out across campus every Friday and Saturday night.

Dorm parties are made possible by the incredibly relaxed rules on drinking in many of the men’s residence halls.  While underage drinking is technically not allowed by the rules of ResLife and the Notre Dame Administration, many of the rectors and hall staffs usually turn a blind eye to the consumption of beer within the walls of their hall (but do not extend the same courtesy to hard alcohol).  These rectors believe that since the students are going to act like college students no matter what they do, it is best for them to make their “poor” decisions in a somewhat safe environment within the dorms.  Likewise, because rectresses are usually irrational and crazy (see #59), dorm parties are de facto restricted to men’s dorms.

Dorm parties are a unique type of party which involves a lot of planning and teamwork (see #25).  The first hurdle in planning a dorm party is getting the beer in the dorm.  While hall staff will turn a blind eye to an actual party, they will confiscate beer if they see it.  This means that students must get a 21-year-old to purchase the beer, and then meet him at a discreet location such as Main Circle where the students (almost always freshmen) pick up the beer in duffle bags and carry it back to the dorm.  If a student is caught by police during this process, things will probably end up poorly for him and “pourly” for the beer. 

Once students have obtained beer and secured it in their rooms, the next step in planning a party is to publicize it.  While usually achieved by creating incredibly clever themes (even though almost nobody dresses to the theme), Notre Dame dorm parties usually have a corresponding Facebook event so that their organizers can invite all of the girls they know (men are not invited to dorm parties in another dorm). 

On the day of the party, students clear out all of the small furniture from one or two rooms in their section and make sure that any bars in nearby rooms are well-stocked.  After emptying small furniture and valuables from the rooms, plastic is used to wrap any dressers, desks or beds that might be remaining to prevent them from getting spilled or vomited on.  Notre Dame Students then set up sound systems with the perfect Notre Dame Playlist for the occasion.  Finally, beer is put on ice in a plethora of trash cans in any party room so that it can be easily accessible and cold when people arrive.

Once the party begins, Notre Dame Students turn off the lights in the party rooms (aside from some accent lighting like Christmas lights, strobe lights, or blacklights) and watch as the room fills until it is overflowing with people.  Inside the party room, Notre Dame Students “dance” and “drink” in near- complete darkness while things get really hot and people sweat profusely.  Outside the party room, RAs and rectors monitor the halls, but turn a blind eye to the debauchery happening within the party room.  As long as the doors stay closed, people stay out of the hallway, and nobody is found vomiting in the bathroom, hall staffs in most of the men’s dorms don’t care about what is occurring..  Once the clock strikes 2 A.M., dorm parties are promptly brought to a close by parietals and students drunkenly spill out of the parties and into the friendly confines of Reckers or LaFortune (see #14).

Notre Dame Students like dorm parties because they are a uniquely weird and dorky way of drinking that can  be found only at a school like Notre Dame.  They also like dorm parties for other reasons.  The men who host dorm parties like them because they give girls a reason to come to their rooms, and these parties make it so that the men don’t even have to go outside into the harsh South Bend weather (see #43) for a fun and eventful night of drinking.  Students also love dorm parties because their dark and crowded nature leads to plenty of dance floor makeouts (sometimes even accidentally), which always lends itself to the possibility of a Notre Dame Hook-Up only a few doors down in the man’s bedroom (see #21).  Furthermore, Notre Dame Students love dorm parties because underclassmen can host them on their own, and can avoid having to go to house parties hosted by people they don’t even know.  

However, the biggest reason Notre Dame Students like dorm parties is that they give them an opportunity to drink without risking their stellar reputations with ridiculous arrests.  Since police and NDSP don’t normally come in the dorms, the only people that can get a dorm party patron in trouble are the hall staff, and even when hall staff intervene in out-of-control parties, they usually don’t do much more than send people stumbling off to Reckers.  Notre Dame Students like the safety from arrest that dorm parties provide, and this is the primary reason they have such an affinity for dorm parties.          

#94: Only riding with one cab driver

When Notre Dame Students leave the friendly confines of their campus for drinking purposes, the sensible choice that most make is to take a cab from campus or between off-campus locations.  Notre Dame Students take cabs to bars and house parties every weekend, and they have particular opinions about them.  While some younger students mainly just go to Main Circle and flag down any cab that comes their way, older students discover that they should have their own cab driver with whom they regularly ride.

Notre Dame Students like consistency and the comfort that comes with it.  They like knowing what is going to happen on any given night, and they like being able to dictate when and how things happen (see #25).  Because of this, Notre Dame Students love to have phone numbers for cab drivers in the area and they like to ride between bars and off-campus locations always with the same cab driver.

Students like their cab drivers because they get to know them.  They love the eccentricities that these cab drivers exhibit and the crazy stories that come with them.  They like listening to Christian rock in Jesus's cab, smoking (even though they don’t smoke) with Tony, hearing rumors about other cab drivers from DeeDee, and hearing ridiculous stories from Charlie Chin.  Notre Dame Students like their cab drivers because of the stories they tell and the experiences they can share.

Notre Dame Students also like cab drivers for any knowledge they can share on any given night.  Cab drivers always know where the parties are, and they always know which bars have the longest lines and which bars have been raided by the police.  Many cab drivers might even have some inside information about the football team to share (see #8).  Cab drivers hear things from all around town and they share them with the students who have become their friends.  

Ultimately, Notre Dame Students love their cab drivers because they are really the only locals with whom students have a chance to become friends.   Cab drivers tell their student friends about their lives during the brief trips around town, and students ultimately have a desire to continue riding with the same cab driver every night so that they can develop these relationships, as bizarre as they sometimes might be.

#91.5: Things Young Alumni Like

1) Sending Text Messages during football games
2) Victory Liquors
3) Lamenting the 2005 loss to USC
4) Thinking Coors Light is a shitty beer (see #28)
5) Younger friends and siblings still at ND
6) Ironically wearing monogram sweater-vests (see #85.5)
7) Being Roommates in Wrigleyville (see #47)
8) Continuing to tout inside information about the football team (see #8)
9) Telling people when they have a med school exam (see #29)
10) Teaching (even though they won’t make careers as teachers)
11) Sneaking into the student section during football games
12) Complaining about the Basilica wedding reservation system
13) Doing service work for a year or two because they were too preoccupied to apply for jobs
14) Matt Leinart’s NFL career
15) Donating money to Notre Dame (even if they don’t have an income)

#90: Looking down on locals

Notre Dame Students hail from all regions of the country, but most of them come from similar suburban areas.  When they first arrive at Notre Dame, students don’t really notice the major differences between their hometowns and South Bend because as freshmen they don’t have many reasons or avenues to stray too far outside the Notre Dame Bubble.  As they get older and bring cars to school, have more meals away from the dining halls (see #53), go to local bars, get jobs or volunteer positions, and move out of the dorms, Notre Dame Students spend a lot more of their time off-campus.  As a result, they also spend more time interacting with the local residents of South Bend, and usually formulate negative opinions of the residents they not so flatteringly refer to as “townies.”

The relationship between Notre Dame Students and local residents is a tense one that goes back a lifetime for the locals, and less than four years for the students.  Local residents often become upset with students for a variety of reasons usually related to collegiate debauchery.  Residents complain about loud noise at parties, they complain when students urinate on their property, and they complain that students take up too much space at their favorite bars like The View. 

However, the biggest complaint that locals have of students is the Notre Dame Students’ immense sense of self-importance.  Notre Dame Students take one look at the city of South Bend and immediately think they are better than everybody who lives there.  The students come from wealthier families, they wear nicer clothing (see #5), and they drive more expensive cars.  Students see the quality of their expensive education (see #3) and believe that they already have more success than the majority of South Bend residents will ever have.

These opinions of the students are somewhat justified.  South Bend is a dying rust-belt city that is rampant with crime and poverty.  Students rarely feel safe walking home at night from bars, and off-campus students become accustomed to hearing sirens in their neighborhood.  With the University and its football weekends serving as the singular force behind the local economy, Notre Dame Students believe they are more important than the typical South Bend resident and this gives them a sense of entitlement.

Because of this attitude, South Bend residents sometimes go out of their way to be hostile towards Notre Dame Students.  They report the loud parties that are simply collections of Notre Dame Students trying to be SO College (see #11), they strictly enforce drinking laws in the area, and a few residents even get dangerous and violent towards students.

For their part, the students do try to use the dire economic situation in South Bend as a way to quench their thirst for helping people and making themselves feel like better people.  Notre Dame Students take it upon themselves to seek out service opportunities throughout the city by volunteering to tutor and mentor local youth and constantly raising money for the Center for the Homeless (among other institutions).  While these certainly are noble causes, these volunteer opportunities simply do more to show at least some South Bend residents that Notre Dame Students are arrogant, and confirm Notre Dame Students’ beliefs that they are better than the townies of South Bend.

#87: Fist Pumps

There are many ways for people to show their excitement in times of happiness.  Some people laugh, some people cry, some people display crazily large smiles on their faces, and some people jump for joy.  For Notre Dame Students, however, happiness is oftentimes displayed at bars, sporting events, and dorm parties by the variety of fist pumping (both Mike Brey style and not) that they engage in.

At football games, Notre Dame Students engage in fist pumps almost as often as they complain about how their version of The Shirt is fitting (see #2) or tout the inside information that is almost certainly false (see #8).  Usually their directions for fist pumping are given by the marching band that has developed different types of fist pumps for different situations.  If something good could potentially happen on the field, and the team needs pumping up, the band cues the crowd to get really quiet and do an overly complicated fist pump routine that takes Notre Dame Students their entire freshmen year to actually comprehend.  Whether or not this helps the football team is unclear.

Likewise, Notre Dame Students augment and change their fist pumps for various other cheers and situations.  They make an initial of their coach’s name when the band plays the 1812 Overture.  They mock the FSU tomahawk chop when the band plays the Imperial March, and controversially say kill as if they really want somebody to be killed.  They even do a quick fist pump during the playing of the fight song.

Outside of football games, Notre Dame Students frequently engage in fist pumping to show their enthusiasm when different songs are played at bars and dorm parties.  While they are standing or even dancing in small circles (see #24) Notre Dame Students will begin to pump their fists based on musical cues that they hear throughout the night.  Songs that prompt this type of fist pumping include Livin’ on a Prayer (see #9), Rocky Top (despite the fact that it is essentially the fight song of another university), and pretty much any song that is played at the Finny’s and The Backer.  Notre Dame Students pump their fist in these situations not only because they are happy, but because they don’t really know an appropriate way to dance to these songs.

Despite the fact that they do it all the time, Notre Dame Students are pretty much oblivious to their rampant fist pumping.  Maybe it is because their fist pumping isn’t always the most useful or appropriate thing to be doing, or maybe because they secretly know that their fist pumping neither helps the football team nor makes them look cool at bars.  Regardless, Notre Dame Students pump their fists often because they really don’t know what else to do with their arms and hands.

#85.5: Things Notre Dame Alumni Like

1.       Complaining about the football team, regardless of what happens on the field

2.       Threatening to halt donations

3.       Hiring ND Students

4.       Reminiscing about the bars at five corners

5.       Complaining about Tom Hammond and Pat Haden

6.       Getting indignant about losing catholic identity

7.       Using the word ‘draconian’ to describe University policies

8.       Dorm mass after football games

9.       The Sorin Society and other donation based organizations

10.    Talking about how they couldn’t get into ND if they applied today

11.    Ara Parseghian

12.    Knowing the lyrics to now-obscure school songs

13.    Buying property in South Bend

14.    Complaining about the football schedule

15.    Vanity license plates

16.    Talking about the quarterback from the year they graduated

17.    Being quiet during football games while complaining about a lack of noise in the stadium

18.    Rocco’s

19.    Pep Rallys (both talking about how awesome they used to be in the old Fieldhouse and actively contributing to the modern incarnation being significantly less awesome)

20.    Monogram sweater-vests

21.    Hoping their local city hosts an off-site game, and then complaining about the existence of the off-site games

22.    Playing catch with their children on South Quad

23.    Lamenting the loss of the University Club

24.    Being randomly generous to current students

25.    Having their kids attend the University of Notre Dame

#73: Digger Phelps

Basketball season at Notre Dame is usually most notable because it is the end of the football season, but there are certain things about Notre Dame Basketball that are uniquely enjoyed by Notre Dame Students (at least some students).  Digger Phelps is one of those things.

Digger Phelps was the head basketball coach at Notre Dame in the 70’s and 80’s, and probably the most successful coach in the history of Notre Dame Basketball.  He holds the NCAA record for most upsets of number one ranked teams, and led the Irish to their only appearance in the Final Four in 1977.  He is the son of an undertaker.

Despite the fact that these successes occurred before current Notre Dame Students were even born, the student body likes Digger Phelps for things that have nothing to do with his coaching prowess. 

Like Lou Holtz (see #23), current Notre Dame students like Digger Phelps for his oversized personality and his appearance on the ESPN College GameDay program (the basketball version).  Similarly to Holtz, Phelps uses the program to make unreasonable predictions about how the Fighting Irish will do in their games (although unlike Holtz he is capable of picking against the Irish squad) and as a way to showcase his uncanny ability to match the color of his highlighter to the color of his necktie.

Not only do Notre Dame Students like Digger Phelps for the unnecessary publicity he brings to their basketball program, but they also like him for his willingness to make frequent appearances on campus for events ranging from pep rallies to dorm talks.  At pep rallies, he is one of the most intense speakers the university has at its disposal, and he can make the crowd overly excited even when the team’s predicament is most dire.

If his pep rallies are noted for their intensity, his dorm talks are noted for their bizarreness.  When Digger starts talking in a dorm he will seamlessly transition from talking about his life and his career in basketball to talking about his political opinions about globalization and America’s future.  While oftentimes unpredictable, these talks can be even more interesting than those of the beloved Fr. Hesburgh (see #56)

Overall, Notre Dame Students like Digger Phelps because his personality matches their zeal and his devotion to the school brings him back again and again.  Whether they see him at pep rallies, on ESPN, at dorm events, or in the bars around South Bend, Digger Phelps can excite students in a way that few personalities are able.

#68: ‘Studying’ in LaFortune

When the end of the semester approaches, Notre Dame Students lock down into a study mode that is extraordinary to see.  Many students make their way to the library for the first time all year while some students fail to make it out to the bars for the first weekend all year.  Students that are usually hanging around their dorms watching football games throughout the day are nowhere to be found, and the library is the place to see and be seen.

Notre Dame Students each have their own favorite places to study.  Some go to the basement of the library, or the second floor of the library, or one of the many other floors of the library (the place where actual work gets done).  Some students go to Jordan Hall of Science, others go to study rooms in their dorms, and others go to CoMo.  However, the most inexplicable location where Notre Dame Students study for exams en masse is the LaFortune Student Center.

There are very few sensible reasons why studying in LaFortune is a good idea.  Sure there is the Huddle and other mediocre food options (see #14), there are some tables where people can study in groups, parietals are non-existent so couples can study together, and the obvious fact that Starbucks doesn’t have to be snuck into LaFortune (see #22); but can any real studying actually occur within the walls of this building?

LaFortune is a loud building where lots of things are happening.  In addition to the typical groups of people getting their sandwiches and coffee, Finals week features additional distractions from Zahm guys going on the Bun Run, drunk students that are too good for studying, and even rogue Christmas Carolers spreading holiday cheer.  All these things combine to make LaFortune the worst possible place on campus to study for exams.

That’s why nobody actually studies there.

People might go to LaFortune with all of their books, their class notes, and their laptops.  They might spread all of these things haphazardly across a table to give the appearance that they are doing a lot of work, but ultimately they won’t go 45 seconds without stopping to talk with somebody, or checking their Facebook page, or getting up for more coffee and snacks, or playing online games, or reading blogs like this one.  Going to LaFortune to ‘study’ is nothing more than an exercise in procrastination (see #18).

This is the way Notre Dame Students like it.  They go to LaFortune and put up a facade of studiousness so that they can go back to their dorms or apartments and tell all of their roommates and friends that they, “spent 12 hours studying” when they really accomplished nothing all day.  These students use this ‘studying’ to later justify doing things that are SO college (see #11) like going to bars and/or ugly sweater parties (see #66). 

Not only are these students misleading their friends about their long hours of ‘studying’, but usually they are lying to themselves and believing that they are being productive.  Eventually these students might move to a better location where they will actually get work done; but as long as they remain in LaFortune they are merely keeping up the appearance of hard work.

#60: Staying on One Level of Club Fever

On Thursday nights throughout the school year many Notre Dame Students (some that are over 21 . . . some that aren’t) like to frequent “Michiana’s most versatile night club” for drinking, dancing, and everything a person could ever want from the largest nightclub in northern Indiana.  When they go to Club Fever, however, they refuse to take advantage of all the 16,000 square feet of space it has and instead act like squatters on their level of choice.

When some students enter Club Fever, they immediately retreat to the basement where they can find pool and shuffleboard tables, regular lighting, and a decidedly more rock based playlist.  The basement of Fever is frequented by students that typically go to Finny’s on Thursday nights, but go to Fever because somebody in their group suggested that they need a ‘change of pace’ or are ‘getting into a rut.’ 

Many of these patrons will drunkenly make their way outside and down the alley to Finny’s before 1 AM.

[One important aspect of the Club Fever basement is the bathrooms.  Because the basement is attached to a very mediocre restaurant, the bathrooms are the nicest that can be found at any South Bend drinking establishment.  Ultimately this is unimportant.]

The main level of Club Fever is probably one of the most diverse places in South Bend.  There are drunk girls with the mindset of “F*** guys, I just want to dance” dancing with their girlfriends.  There are local residents who will oftentimes interrupt their dancing for unexpected fist fighting.  There are creepy guys walking around the dance floor trying to act cool but knowing that their best move is to come up at a girl from behind and begin dancing with her before she sees them.  There are also Notre Dame Basketball players.

These people love the main level because the darkness, occasional smoke, incessant strobe lights, and tightly packed crowd create an excellent opportunity for Dance Floor Makeouts.  The $1 Natural Lights also make this one of the least expensive public drinking locations . . . anywhere.

While the main level of Club Fever is one of the most diverse, the upstairs is probably the least diverse.  More open than the basement and better lit than the main level, the upstairs of the bar is enjoyed by the Notre Dame Students that wish they had attended state schools.  These students tend to go out every night of the week and see Thursday nights at Fever as the best of them all.  They kind of know each other well (but kind of don’t); they live off-campus as juniors; they’ve had fake IDs since freshmen year; they’ll spend lots of money on mixed drinks, but they probably won’t get too drunk.  People come to the upstairs of Club Fever to pick up girls/guys and go home with them, something students on the other levels are just not interested in.

***

All three levels combine to make Club Fever one of the most out of place bars in the entire South Bend area.  With three distinct areas (and stairs between them where people are rarely seen) Club Fever is a place that Notre Dame Students love, but for a variety of reasons, and a place where they will continue to go on Thursday nights (at least until it inevitably gets shut down).

#51: Africa (the song)

Long time readers of this site know that Notre Dame Students love Africa (see #1), but what they might not be aware of is that there are two types of Africa that Notre Dame Students Like.  The first is, and more obvious one, is the continent; while the second, and less obvious one, is the 1982 hit song by the band Toto.

Its gonna take a lot to drag me away from you/
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do/
I bless the rains down in Africa/
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had.

Notre Dame Students love this song and play it more often than any song by Toto should ever be played.  It is played at parties, weddings, tailgates, dances, and is one of the few songs that regularly appears on the playlist at both Finny’s and The Backer.  This song is firmly entrenched on the Notre Dame Playlist.

But why do Notre Dame Students love the song?  Is it because of the lyrics they don’t really know the words to?  Is it because of the chorus that they love to belt out while covered in sweat and clutching their hands around a Keystone Light or a Long Island Iced Tea?  Is it because off the awesome background instrumentals?  Is it because of the sweet percussion break that makes even the most passive of Notre Dame Students bust out some air drums?

NO. 

Notre Dame Students love this song simply because of how much they like Africa (the continent).  Notre Dame Students love of Africa (the continent) is so great that as a corollary they will love almost anything that relates to or discusses the continent.  Notre Dame Students also love the song Do They Know It’s Christmas?, the film Hotel Rwanda, and the episodes of ER that feature storylines in Africa.  However, no piece of entertainment is beloved as much by Notre Dame Students because of the Africa Corollary than the song by Toto that students will sing at any time of any night they hear it.

#48: Songs that were popular 6-12 months ago

In the hit CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother* one of the main characters (Robin) hails from Canada and must explain to her friends how music trends take longer to make it to Canada.  While this may or may not be true for the country to the north of ours that Notre Dame Students use to exploit more lenient drinking laws (see #34) it is puzzlingly similar to the tastes Notre Dame Students have for music.

Whether they are too busy studying, praying, or watching football games; for some reason it takes Notre Dame Students much longer to find new songs to enjoy than the rest of the country.  While this phenomenon is inexplicable by conventional means, it can be examined by looking at songs that have become popular over the past year. 

For example, Miley Cyrus’s song See You Again was released nearly two years ago, became popular in the Summer of 2008, and has been playing in Notre Dame bars ever since.  While this song is unquestionably a fine choice to play at Finny’s and The Backer; it has worn out its welcome at nearly every other place in the country outside of a Best of Both World’s Concert (or whatever she calls it these days).  However, Notre Dame Students continue to request the song and enjoy it like it is the hip new thing or a treasured classic (something it will never be).

Meanwhile, it’s nearly impossible to spin a radio dial anywhere in the country without hearing the Black Eyed Peas I Gotta Feeling on several stations.  The song has been at or near the top of the charts for over two months yet is still roughly five months away from becoming a staple at bars and dorm parties.  It might be heard occasionally at Notre Dame, but come January it will be ubiquitous.

This trend has been going strong for several years as well.  Previous songs that Notre Dame Students embraced long past their welcome (and still are embracing) include Taylor Swift’s Love Story, Kelly Clarkson’s Since U Been Gone, Fall Out Boy’s Sugar, We Goin Down, and Estelle’s American Boy (feat. Kanye).  While these songs all had their moment for most of the country, that moment was continued far too long for Notre Dame Students.  

*Returns to CBS on Monday, September 21^st at 8:00 ET . . . trust me, just watch it.

#43.5: Days Notre Dame Students Like

Throughout the school year there are many days that students get excited for. Some of these days they know are coming months and years ahead of time, while others take the school by surprise. All of these days, however, bring a level of excitement that makes most of the student body very happy. Here they are:

1) USC Game [only in odd years]

2) Day/night before the USC Game [only in odd years]

3) First Friday of the Fall Semester [or whenever each dorm throws Dis-Orientation]

4) First Home Game

5) Saint Patrick’s Day

6) Michigan Game [an even year replacement for #1]

7) Room Picks [varies depending on dorm]

8) Blue-Gold Game [mainly due to PigTostal]

9) First Day of Spring [Halter Top Day]

10) First Big Snowfall of the Winter

11) The Day the Annual ND-SMC Viewpoint War reaches its Zenith

12) First Day of Winter Study Days [due to Christmas Parties]

13) Last Night Dorms are Open in the Spring

14) First Bookstore Basketball Games

15) Day Beer Garden Re-Opens at Corby’s

#43: Complaining about the weather

When prospective students apply to the University of Notre Dame they probably don’t know about most of the things on this list. They probably don’t know about the definition of hooking up (see #21) or where they will be getting pizza after a night of debauchery (see #14). They might know about Lou Holtz (see #23) and Saint Mary’s (see #38), while they have almost certainly never been to Finnegan’s or The Backer (see #20 and #26 respectively). However, if there is one thing that prospective students know when they apply to the school, it is that the weather in South Bend is absolutely awful.

South Bend has weather patterns that are somewhat similar to Siberian tundra or the real world in The Matrix. The sun refuses to shine on Notre Dame between October 1^st and May 1^st and there are only a handful of days each year that can be described using the word nice.* During the darkest months of the winter, snow falls at dramatic levels across the region and temperatures reach lows that are unheard of in most of the lower 48.

Despite the fact that all students know the problems with South Bend weather long before they attend the university, the students continuously complain about how bad the weather is and how they wish they lived in a more enjoyable climate. These complaints happen before class starts while they are taking off layers of coats, gloves, scarves, and hats. They happen at November tailgates where the beers aren’t put on ice to get cold, but they are laid out in the sun in order to get warm enough to drink. They happen when it snows at the spring game, and when it rains on the few warm days of the fall.

Not only will Notre Dame Students relentlessly complain about the weather they knew they would encounter in South Bend, but they will use the poor weather as an excuse. Some students will use the weather as an excuse to drink more (as there is nothing better to do in the cold winter months). Other students will use the weather as an excuse not to drink (because it is too cold to go out to parties, or to even get alcohol from the store). Students will use the weather as an excuse to skip classes and they will use the weather as an excuse to wear sweatpants (see #49).

However, the never-ending stream of poor weather in South Bend causes students to be even more excited for the beginning of spring (or as Bill Simmons calls it, Halter Top Day). On this day, which comes unexpectedly and at a different date every year, students rejoice. Shorts and skirts are worn and South Quad is covered with people playing games, tanning themselves, reading books, doing work, and just generally relaxing. For one day each spring Notre Dame Students do not complain about the weather because they know they need to embrace it while it lasts because the next day it will probably snow.

*Luckily in the spring of 2009 these three days fell on St. Patrick’s Day, Pigtostal, and the 22^nd birthday of one Bob Kessler

#38.5: Things Saint Mary’s Students Like

1) Calling themselves “Smick Chicks”

2) The Avenue

3) Taking pictures on the “Sluttle”

4) Having Mothers who went to SMC and Fathers who went to Notre Dame

5) Taylor Swift

6) Working in Hospitals or Schools instead of taking classes

7) The Dance Marathon

8) Buying Food at the Cyber Café

9) Paying Their Student Government a Salary

10) Going out on weeknights

11) Oddly Shaped Dining Hall Trays

12) Notre Dame Athletes

13) Obnoxiously big dorm hallways

14) The Keenan Revue (ironically)

15) Getting Hooded

16) Jamaica Shaika

17) Being on Committees

18) Club Fever

19) Complaining about Traffic

20) Most (if not all) of the Things Notre Dame Students Like

#38: Making Fun of Saint Mary’s Girls (and then dating them)

Notre Dame Students, both male and female, have an incredibly complex relationship with the students of the school across the street: Saint Mary’s College. This relationship can be marked by a wide range of emotions including jealousy, hate, sarcasm, friendship, and love. In other words; it is akin to a typical marriage.

Notre Dame Students love to make fun of Saint Mary’s girls. While this might happen infrequently in person, Notre Dame Students will constantly make jokes about their sister school when there are no Belles around. They will write letters to The Observer declaring the school’s inferiority and its student’s unintelligence. They will perform skits in the Keenan Revue about Saint Mary’s Girls being sluts. Notre Dame Men will make fun of individuals behind their backs, and Notre Dame Women might even make fun of groups to their faces.

The fact of the matter is that it is relatively easy to make fun of Saint Mary’s Students as the school is essentially one group of 1600 Marys, Katies, and Megans that all major in Nursing or Elementary Education*. While the olden days might have required Saint Mary’s to counter the All-Male ND, the modern Co-Ed Notre Dame has no use for Saint Mary’s College.

Or so a Notre Dame Woman would want you to think.

Notre Dame Women are most to blame for the complex relationship with Saint Mary’s Students because they publicly and privately have the most nasty things to say about them. The women from both schools can’t possibly be friends with each other because of the irreconcilable differences caused by Notre Dame Women recklessly throwing around words like slut and stupid in reference to their sister school. These girls do this not because they believe these things, but because of childish jealousy.

Notre Dame Women are jealous of Saint Mary’s Students because the students at the all-girls school across the street are typically more awesome than their counterparts at Notre Dame**. Saint Mary’s Students are more fun than Notre Dame girls. They go out to more bars and parties. They don’t spend most of their hours in the library (does Saint Mary’s even have a library?). They won’t tell you when they have an Organic Chemistry test (see #29), and they bizarrely care more about Notre Dame Football than Notre Dame girls.

Because of this, as much as they like to make fun of Saint Mary’s girls, Notre Dame guys also like to date them, and they date them quite frequently.

*I probably just lost 5 friends right there.

** I know I just lost 7 friends and 1 sister on that one.

Full Disclosure: I currently have 1 SMC drinking mug, 1 SMC pennant, 1 deck of SMC playing cards, and 1 SMC T-Shirt that I wear frequently. So yes, I unapologetically love Saint Mary’s.