#99: Long-term relationships

The problem of gender relations at Notre Dame is one of the biggest complaints people have about student life at the school.  Students complain that the combination of single-sex dorms and parietals is a system of the past that discourages friendship between the sexes (see #63).  The continuance of dorm parties being informally restricted to men’s halls (see #98) even further separates the genders on a day-to-day basis and leads to awkwardness at all turns. 

The result of these things is that men and women at Notre Dame do not often foster actual friendships with each other or even really go on informal dates with one another.  Instead, men and women at Notre Dame consistently find their sole interaction in long-term relationships.

Notre Dame does not have a significant dating culture.  One day, Notre Dame Students are hooking up together, and the next day sees them turning around Claddagh rings (see #6) and changing Facebook statuses to show and tell the world that they have entered into a relationship.  The lack of dating at Notre Dame stems not only from the complete lack of avenues to develop rich friendships between the sexes, but it also is caused by the lack of nearby dating options.  Although this could be changing with the recently opened Eddy Street Commons, the fact that Notre Dame exists in its own little bubble, distinctly separated from the outside, leaves students with few places to go on dates beyond the dining halls.  While “dining hall dates” are certainly popular, their awkwardness is a further detractor from a dating culture in general.

However, the lack of a dating culture does not mean a lack of relationships.  Notre Dame Students love entering into long-term relationships primarily because they love the idea of marriage (see #91), but also because they love all of the things that go along with long-term relationships. 

Notre Dame men like long-term relationships because they sometimes grant them an opportunity to go beyond the Notre Dame Hook-Up and into a new territory of intimacy (see #21).  These men have a person to consistently break parietals with, and this gives them an opportunity to show their friends and hallmates how awesome they are (even if they are not awesome at all).

Notre Dame women like long-term relationships for reasons beyond the direction of their Claddagh rings.  For women, a long-term relationship gives them a strong group of friends to hang out with that they might not have if they only hang out with other girls.  It’s no secret that Notre Dame men form stronger groups and have a more intense level of brotherhood between them than Notre Dame women, and so they are happy to allow girls into their groups when their friends begin a relationship.  Because of this, many Notre Dame women end up being better friends with their boyfriends’ hallmates than they ever were with their own hallmates.  The relationship, therefore, allows a Notre Dame woman to become a part of all the things that make men’s halls great, like room pick drama (see #80), playing video games, and the weekly hugfest known as the Rite of Peace during Sunday night dorm Mass (see #10).

Once they come together in their long- term relationships, Notre Dame Couples like all of the things that make a relationship great.  They like spooning on couches where everybody can see them (see #27), wearing each others sweatpants (see #49), and playing footsy while “studying” together in LaFortune (see #68).  They like watching Love, Actually together and arguing about how justified Mark’s actions are (see #69).  They like walking around the lakes, actual dates at Papa Vino’s, and staying in on weekend nights because they no longer need to look for dance-floor makeouts at dorm parties and Finny’s. 

Overall, Notre Dame Students like long-term relationships because they like to love and be loved.  They like the consistency that comes with a relationship, and hate having to resort to the hook- up culture.  They like to think that the person they are dating is the one they will be with for the rest of their life, that they will get married to each other in the Basilica, watch their kids become Notre Dame Students in their own right, and that they will grow old together and live happily ever after.

#85.5: Things Notre Dame Alumni Like

1.       Complaining about the football team, regardless of what happens on the field

2.       Threatening to halt donations

3.       Hiring ND Students

4.       Reminiscing about the bars at five corners

5.       Complaining about Tom Hammond and Pat Haden

6.       Getting indignant about losing catholic identity

7.       Using the word ‘draconian’ to describe University policies

8.       Dorm mass after football games

9.       The Sorin Society and other donation based organizations

10.    Talking about how they couldn’t get into ND if they applied today

11.    Ara Parseghian

12.    Knowing the lyrics to now-obscure school songs

13.    Buying property in South Bend

14.    Complaining about the football schedule

15.    Vanity license plates

16.    Talking about the quarterback from the year they graduated

17.    Being quiet during football games while complaining about a lack of noise in the stadium

18.    Rocco’s

19.    Pep Rallys (both talking about how awesome they used to be in the old Fieldhouse and actively contributing to the modern incarnation being significantly less awesome)

20.    Monogram sweater-vests

21.    Hoping their local city hosts an off-site game, and then complaining about the existence of the off-site games

22.    Playing catch with their children on South Quad

23.    Lamenting the loss of the University Club

24.    Being randomly generous to current students

25.    Having their kids attend the University of Notre Dame

#85: Networking

One of the reasons why Notre Dame is such a highly touted institution is because of its extensive and successful alumni network.  Unlike most schools, the Notre Dame Alumni Network spreads across the country and around the world with 267 local clubs in cities ranging from Topeka to Beijing.  Because of this, many students and alumni alike cherish the alumni network as one of the most important assets of a Notre Dame Education.

Notre Dame Students like the alumni network and all of the networking opportunities that come with it because they are incredibly focused on their future careers.  For Notre Dame Students, everything they do is based on the next step, and decisions are judged by their impact in the long term as opposed to the short term.  Students understand that their future success will not only be based on how well they do on tests and papers, but on how well they utilize their time at the school to make connections and open opportunities for themselves.

With this in mind, Notre Dame Students look to all places and times for opportunities to network with alums.  Students walk through tailgating lots before football games introducing themselves to alums by touting the highlights of their résumé.  Describing their major, recent jobs, and maybe some research experience; Notre Dame Students treat their tailgating revelry not only as a chance to get some free food and beer from alums, but as an important opportunity to expand their network.

Similarly, when Notre Dame Students leave campus and go to different parts of the country (particularly the bars of Chicago’s north side), they wear so much ND apparel that they act as walking advertisements for the school.  While they partly do this because of their unmatched pride; they mainly do it as an means to strike up conversations with Notre Dame Alums and supporters in all of the places they go.  Notre Dame Students know that any conversation with any person can lead to the future of their dreams.

Finally, Notre Dame Students relentlessly use the traditional channels to expand their network.  They send emails to professionals in their field that contain coded questions that don’t explicitly ask for any help with a career (but implicitly ask the professionals for jobs).  They attend meetings at any hour of the day with professionals that come to campus in order to network.  Notre Dame Students attend the career fair as if it was the sole reason why they attended the University; and they will wear their class rings (see #37) as if the employers could forget what school they are visiting.

Once they have networked every possible connection for their career path, Notre Dame Students meticulously send emails at regular intervals to all of the people they have connected with.  They send them holiday greetings, congratulate them on achievements, and notify them of their own achievements all in an effort to stay contacted with their vast and endless network.  Sometimes these efforts will be in vain; but more often than not, Notre Dame Students are wildly successful in their networking, and end up utilizing it to start themselves off on the career path of their dreams.

#67: New Football Coaches

Recent years have unfortunately seen the necessity for Notre Dame to endure five different searches for a new head football coach.  While the specific circumstances surrounding and the people conducting each search have changed over the years, they have all (quite obviously) followed a period of failure and disappointment on the football field.

Because of the various perspectives of these failures, different groups within the Notre Dame community have different opinions of the coaching searches and of the men that are subsequently hired from these searches.  Old Alums (especially the overly fanatical message board crowd) are oftentimes angry and upset with new hires because these men do not fall under their arbitrary and unreachable ‘Tier 1’ designation.  These people make outlandish and unsubstantiated claims based on their ‘inside information’ (see #8) and choose to continue their never-ending pessimism about the football program.

Young alums that personally witnessed all of the failures and disappointment that brought about the need for a coaching change are expectedly skeptical of the new coach.  While these former students are hopeful for a more successful future, they all remember how excited they were when the last coach was hired.  They remember the short lived ‘Return to Glory’ of Tyrone Willingham and the ‘Hard-working, intelligent, and nasty’ football teams of Charlie Weis. 

These young alums are skeptical because they can clearly remember a time before the last coach failed; a time when they were students and hanging Sports Illustrated covers on their dorm room walls.  They remember a time when the departed coach was the new coach, and they loved him.

This is because Notre Dame Students LOVE new football coaches.

When a new coach is hired, Notre Dame Students brim with excitement and unbridled optimism.  They dreamily look towards the upcoming season knowing that there will be better results on the field and certain that the coach will lead them to the Promised Land.  They update their Facebook statuses, listen to press conferences, and start thinking of sayings for custom T-Shirts they will sell the following fall (see #35).

Notre Dame Students love new football coaches because they represent the possibility to wake up the echoes and return Notre Dame Football to its previous years of glory.  New football coaches bring with them the chance to restore winning traditions (see #40) and the ability to give the current classes a chance to witness a long lost level of success.

Now, Brian Kelly represents that chance; and until he loses his first game every Notre Dame Student will love him.

#66: Christmastime

Like most good Catholics (or Protestants, or uncomfortably jealous Jews for that matter), Notre Dame Students love Christmastime.  They love this period between Thanksgiving and the end of finals when they get to celebrate the holiday season on campus with all of their friends, and they love all of the festivities that come with it.

Immediately upon returning from Thanksgiving break, Notre Dame Students will begin the process of transforming their dorm rooms or off-campus homes into their own private winter wonderlands.  Students will put up stockings and ornaments, and they will hang Christmas lights everywhere they can possibly hang them.  These lights will remain hanging in their rooms for the entire second semester.

The decorations that won’t remain into the New Year are those that students organize for the outside of their dorms.  While years ago these lights and decorations were simple and elegant, the competitive nature of Notre Dame Students has brought dorm decorations to new levels of excess while wasting away all the credibility of the University’s attempts to ‘go green’ (although, they do look pretty sweet).

During Christmastime, Notre Dame Students feast on the best dining hall meal of the year (the Prime Rib Candlelight dinner) and they oftentimes break out into Christmas carols on a whim.  They exchange gifts with their closest friends and watch Christmas movies as a respite from exam preparation.  They will watch Home Alone, Elf, Bad Santa, The Santa Clause, It’s A Wonderful Life, and Love, Actually (more on that later).

Students will then throw more Christmas parties than any rational person could anticipate.  Those living in the dorms will be booked with multiple SYRs on the lone weekend between Thanksgiving and study days, with certain dorms lucky enough to host their SYR around the Christmas tree under the dome.  These SYRs will undoubtedly feature hundreds of Notre Dame Men wearing the timeless combination of a suit and a Santa hat. 

Meanwhile, off-campus students will throw ‘ugly-sweater parties’ like it is their job.  Because every student has a desire to plan his or her own party (see #25), their social calendars will be booked with such events on every Thursday-Saturday for three weeks straight.  With egg nog, ugly sweaters, and the perfect Christmas playlist that will prominently feature Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You (see #39) and Do They Know It’s Christmas?(see #51) these parties will happen over and over again until everybody goes home for Christmas break.

#62: Tailgating at Actual Tailgates (as opposed to houses or frats)

Notre Dame Students love football and they love drinking.  Therefore Notre Dame Students love tailgating.  However, tailgating at Notre Dame is different than at most schools because students rarely tailgate at off-campus houses and there are no fraternities to host game day parties.

Students at schools across the country enjoy the pageantry of college football with tailgates.  Most of these tailgates occur within a system of houses and Greek life, however, and rarely involve a vehicle with a legitimate “tailgate.”  Students at these schools wear dress clothing that can’t be comfortable for the games, they play beer pong on porches, they do multistory beer bongs, and they yell obscenities at any fans of the opposing team that happen to walk past their house or fraternity.  Ironically, most of these students will never actually make it anywhere close to the stadium as game time approaches. 

At Notre Dame, however, students enjoy tailgating at actual tailgates where they can complain about the shirt while wearing it (see #2), claim to have inside information about the football team (see #8), be nice to opposing fans (see #13), form small circles (see #24), complain about the weather (see #43), network with alums (see #85), and of course, do things that are SO College (see #11)

As freshmen they like to wander the Joyce and Stadium parking lots hoping that random alums will offer them free food and stories about the good old days.  As sophomores they will seek out tailgates hosted by distant relatives of minor acquaintances where they will get free food and potentially sneak a beer or two.  As juniors, Notre Dame Students will now be friends with these distant relatives of minor acquaintances and they will confidently go to the tailgates knowing that they will be offered plenty of free food and alcohol. 

As seniors, some students host their own tailgates.  While some of these students live close enough to campus where they can attempt to throw a state-school-style house party before the game, other students obtain parking passes and throw tailgates in parking lots such as the infamous Radio Tower (or X) Lot. 

Students who throw these tailgates do everything that they can to make sure that their tailgate is the best tailgate.  They get ridiculous amounts of beer and meat.  They play terrifying drinking games such as full beer flip cup, and they shotgun beers at regularly scheduled intervals.  These students will try to convince underclassmen to come to their tailgates, but the underclassmen will be too scared to show up.

Ultimately, Notre Dame Students love tailgating.  Unlike their peers from other schools across the country however, when the game starts the tailgates end.  Nothing is more important than the game.

#54: Standing at Football Games (but not really)

Notre Dame Students love standing during the football games.  They love drunkenly standing on the bleachers, wearing shirts that they hate (see #2), cheering out of sync, and making crazy arm and hand motions when the band plays menacing sound bites.  Notre Dame Students love to act in solidarity with the football team by never sitting down. 


Or do they?

As a collective the Notre Dame Students Body loves to stand during the football games, but Notre Dame Students individually do not like to stand at football games one bit.  Whether you call it a collective action problem or blatant peer pressure, Notre Dame Students secretly hate to stand at football games and only do it because everybody else is.

Notre Dame Student’s hatred of standing at football games is most frequently seen at halftime of the games.  It is not evidenced by the students actually sitting down (because this would obviously happen) but in the swift and decisive way that students lower themselves to the bleachers.  As soon as the halftime whistle blows, students sit down as if their legs are going to fall off if they do not.  Students will then remain sitting throughout halftime, unless the band happens to play a song that they like (see #9 and #51).

The most obvious proof that Notre Dame Students actually prefer sitting down during football games however, can be seen once these students graduate and become alums.  If the individuals who make up the Notre Dame Student Body really did love to stand, then the alums who have graduated would also love to stand.  However, most of Notre Dame Stadium is filled with alums who like to sit, and students who look forward to the day when they will graduate and finally be able to sit at football games. 

#49: Sweatpants

Notre Dame Students love sweatpants. While this is not shocking because of the cold temperatures that are almost always prevalent, the degree to which Notre Dame Students wear sweatpants is exorbitantly high. At Notre Dame, sweatpants can be worn for any and every occasion and are almost always appropriate even when they are inappropriate.

In most areas of the country and world, sweatpants are only really appropriate for people when they are working out or relaxing in the comfort of their own homes. People might wear sweatpants when they are jogging or when they are watching a movie in their family room, but they will rarely wear sweatpants out of the house for an endeavor that is not based in athletics.

At Notre Dame, students wear sweatpants everywhere. While it is almost never appropriate, students wear sweatpants to class more often than not. Notre Dame Professors are awestruck by the level of informality that students bring to the classroom wearing hoodies and sweatpants to classes like they are training to run a marathon. These students don’t think anything of their outfits as they are dressing similarly to the rest of their peers.

Not only do Notre Dame Students wear sweatpants to class, but they also wear sweatpants to mass. In many parts of the world going to mass is one of the most formal parts of the week that sees parishioners dress up quite formally on Sundays. At Notre Dame, however, dorm masses make it possible for students to worship on Sunday nights without changing out of their sweatpants, sandals, and t-shirts. While these masses probably are some of the holiest outside of the Vatican, they are also some of the most informal due to Notre Dame Student’s favoritism for sweatpants.

Because Notre Dame Students like to wear sweatpants so much, they also are sure to make customized pairs of sweatpants a lot. Just as Notre Dame Students like to make T-Shirts (see #35) they also like to make sweatpants to wear with their customized t-shirts. Students will make sweatpants for their dorms, sweatpants for clubs, and sweatpants for their class. The only question will be: what color do they want their sweatpants to be?

#43: Complaining about the weather

When prospective students apply to the University of Notre Dame they probably don’t know about most of the things on this list. They probably don’t know about the definition of hooking up (see #21) or where they will be getting pizza after a night of debauchery (see #14). They might know about Lou Holtz (see #23) and Saint Mary’s (see #38), while they have almost certainly never been to Finnegan’s or The Backer (see #20 and #26 respectively). However, if there is one thing that prospective students know when they apply to the school, it is that the weather in South Bend is absolutely awful.

South Bend has weather patterns that are somewhat similar to Siberian tundra or the real world in The Matrix. The sun refuses to shine on Notre Dame between October 1^st and May 1^st and there are only a handful of days each year that can be described using the word nice.* During the darkest months of the winter, snow falls at dramatic levels across the region and temperatures reach lows that are unheard of in most of the lower 48.

Despite the fact that all students know the problems with South Bend weather long before they attend the university, the students continuously complain about how bad the weather is and how they wish they lived in a more enjoyable climate. These complaints happen before class starts while they are taking off layers of coats, gloves, scarves, and hats. They happen at November tailgates where the beers aren’t put on ice to get cold, but they are laid out in the sun in order to get warm enough to drink. They happen when it snows at the spring game, and when it rains on the few warm days of the fall.

Not only will Notre Dame Students relentlessly complain about the weather they knew they would encounter in South Bend, but they will use the poor weather as an excuse. Some students will use the weather as an excuse to drink more (as there is nothing better to do in the cold winter months). Other students will use the weather as an excuse not to drink (because it is too cold to go out to parties, or to even get alcohol from the store). Students will use the weather as an excuse to skip classes and they will use the weather as an excuse to wear sweatpants (see #49).

However, the never-ending stream of poor weather in South Bend causes students to be even more excited for the beginning of spring (or as Bill Simmons calls it, Halter Top Day). On this day, which comes unexpectedly and at a different date every year, students rejoice. Shorts and skirts are worn and South Quad is covered with people playing games, tanning themselves, reading books, doing work, and just generally relaxing. For one day each spring Notre Dame Students do not complain about the weather because they know they need to embrace it while it lasts because the next day it will probably snow.

*Luckily in the spring of 2009 these three days fell on St. Patrick’s Day, Pigtostal, and the 22^nd birthday of one Bob Kessler

#37: Class Rings

One of the tell tale signs of a Notre Dame Student is an obnoxiously large class ring. Many students purchase these rings during their junior year in order to let the world know that they are will be graduates of the University of Notre Dame. These rings are typically gold with a blue gem in the center, and have lots of things inscribed on them.

While some students wear these rings to class on a daily basis, others only take them out for special occasions such as weddings, job interviews, or their actual graduation. These students will even go so far as to tell the students without class rings that they need to get one so that people they interview with know they are Notre Dame Graduates (because clearly it does not say that on a resume).

Class rings are another item that divides the Notre Dame population. While many students have them, there are also a lot of students who refuse to get them. The students that don’t wear class rings can’t understand why so many students get them, while the students who do have rings fail to understand those that refuse to purchase them. Regardless, class rings are a phenomenon that is unique to only a few universities in the nation, and Notre Dame is one of these select few.

#35: Making T-Shirts

Notre Dame Students love T-shirts. They love T-Shirts of all shapes and sizes and they wear them at every opportunity they have. To class, to the gym, to parties, to football games, and to bed; Notre Dame Students will wear T-shirts as often as possible. Because they like T-Shirts so much they will also make T-Shirts at every possible opportunity they have.

Students will design T-Shirts for every possible organization that they are a part of, and then sell them to members of that organization. There are T-Shirts sold by class councils and majors that are rarely purchased, while T-Shirts that are sold by clubs become hot commodities. Many students can be seen wearing T-Shirts sold by the Future Investment Bankers Club or the Future Republicans Club even if these students are not really active participants in these clubs.

The campus organizations that will make and sell the most T-Shirts are the residence halls. Dorms will sell T-Shirts for every event imaginable. SYRs, Pep Rallys, Frosh-O, Signature Events, and Hall of the Year awards are all events that demand dorms to produce T-Shirts. While these T-Shirts are rarely funny, intimidating, or fashionable, they can be widely seen around campus.

However, while most University and High School students make T-Shirts for the clubs and teams that they are a part of, Notre Dame Students also love to make shirts for reasons that are not as obvious. Because Notre Dame Students loathe to wear THE SHIRT (itself a shirt that is designed by Notre Dame Students, see #2) much of the student body makes their own shirts that are the same color as THE SHIRT. These T-Shirts can range from the simple and classy* to the lame** to the overly complicated***.

Many students take this a step further by making and selling shirts that simply mock opposing teams. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this, as these shirts are somewhat clever, they are senseless because they almost always utilize the colors of the opposing team so that when Notre Dame Students wear them to games they appear to be fans of the opponent from afar (as in on television).****

Notre Dame Students continue their T-Shirt making tendencies for things that have nothing to do with athletics or even sporting events when they make them for events such as parties (PigTostal, BabeTostal), friends running marathons, living in or near a given quad of O’Neill 4b, Bookstore Basketball, drinking 40s on Fridays, and even for believing that Professor McKenna is their homeboy (see #15).

Whatever the reason, group, or event, Notre Dame Students love to make T-Shirts, and they love to wear them even more.

*Classy T-Shirts: Charlie’s Army, Charlie’s Angels, Brady Quinn for Heisman

**Lame T-Shirts: Golden is Thy Tate, New Coach, New Pope, New Era, anything about Ronald Talley

***Overly Complicated T-Shirt: I live in Keenan which must mean that I know James Aldridge which henceforth vis a vis means that he is the best running back on our team and I will yell for him no matter who is in the game or what is happening, even if we are on defense [note, this might not be an actual T-Shirt].

****Senseless T-Shirts: Backup College (in Boston College’s maroon and yellow), Trojans Break (in USC’s maroon and yellow), Sparty Sucks (in Michigan State’s white and green), Muck Fichigan (in Michigan’s yellow and blue, because maize and yellow are the same thing).

#12: Wearing Designer Clothes, But Refusing to Upgrade From Keystone Light

Being a Notre Dame student requires a finely perfected wardrobe so as to look exquisitely good in class, at dorm parties, during mass, and at bars.  Notre Dame men and women pay the utmost attention not only to what articles of clothing they wear, but where these clothes are purchased.  For Notre Dame Students, the logo on the shirt is more important than the shirt itself.

Notre Dame Students, therefore, spend thousands of dollars on their wardrobes, going to designer stores of all shapes and sizes to make sure that their wardrobe fits their self-proclaimed status in the world, and says something about their personality as well.  (all this despite the fact that they will then wear these expensive clothes to dorm parties and dive bars, see #5).   

Despite the fact that Notre Dame Students spend so much money on their wardrobes, they refuse to upgrade their choice of beer from the eternally delicious Natural Light and Keystone Light.  An upgrade from Keystone Light to Coors Light would be roughly 40 cents per beer.  If a Notre Dame Student drinks 450 beers each year (that is being generous) the upgrade would only cost about $180, or roughly the price of two Lacoste Polo Shirts. 

When Notre Dame Students are given the option, the choice is clear: how they look on the outside is far more important than what they put on the inside.

#7: UGGs in Snow

Due to the hostile environment in South Bend between the months of September and May, Notre Dame Students must be prepared for every possible kind of inclement weather.  Coats, hats, gloves, scarves, wool socks, long underwear, and snowpants are all necessities for braving the elements.  Most important amongst the winter clothing is boots, and for Notre Dame Women, the only type of boots that can be worn for speed, traction, warmth, dryness, comfort, and style are UGGs. 

Never mind the fact that UGGs were designed to be worn on Australian beaches after surfing, Notre Dame women are convinced that they are the best possible footwear for the winter months.  Do they keep your feet dry?  All it takes is a quick coat of water-proofing spray to make UGGs waterproof, snowproof, and backerproof all in one sitting.  Do they keep your feet warm?  Absolutely they do (provided the wearer of said UGGs does not actually walk through any snow).  Do you move quickly in them?  Typically not.  Do they have traction for the icy patches of sidewalk that were not particularly salted to the requisite levels?  HELL NO!

But UGGs are the most stylish boot out there.  Many Notre Dame women actually own two or three pairs just for when one is inevitably too wet or too dirty to wear.  Do they care about the hazards of destroying their stylish footwear in the grim and grime of a South Bend winter?  Of course not.  She who does not wear UGGs in snow is not fulfilling her duties as a Notre Dame Woman. 

#5: Dressing up to go to dive bars

Notre Dame Students cannot help themselves when it comes to their attire at local drinking establishments.  For three years they hide from this mecca of drinking establishments within the Notre Dame bubble and then all of a sudden a world of possibilities opens to them when they turn 21 (unless of course they had a fake ID).  Places like Finnegan’s, The Linebacker Lounge, Tailgaters, Club 23, Corby’s, and Club Fever become realities as the law turns in their favor.  Each year students learn to love these bars while wearing the most fashionable clothing that middle to upper class money can buy.

If Notre Dame were in any big city or college town, nobody would bat an eye if the students stepped into a bar like the Backer wearing torn up jeans and a t-shirt, but for whatever reason Notre Dame Students feel an inherent need to dress up at the dive bars they frequent the most.  Notre Dame Students will only enter a bar if they are at least wearing a couple articles of designer clothing.  Since logos are of the utmost importance many Notre Dame Men wear polo shirts that prominently display men on horses or crocodiles.  Notre Dame Students are also always certain to wear blue jeans that come from top notch designers.

Notre Dame Students don’t worry about the fact that these bars usually appear somewhere on the cleanliness scale between dirty and “on the verge of being condemned” because they need to look good when frequenting them.  Notre Dame Students do worry about their shoes at these bars though; everybody knows that there will probably be a good half-inch of standing beer on the dance floor at the Backer and that the toilets at Finnys are usually overflowing out of the bathroom.  Notre Dame Students make sure that they have an old pair of designer shoes that they can wear for those troublesome times when their shoes might be soiled by an unknown liquid. 

Notre Dame Students dress up to go to dive bars with the intent of differentiating themselves from the local residents of South Bend.  If they see a person in jeans and a t-shirt, a Notre Dame Student can usually assume that this person is not one of them (unless they are coming from a game or broomball).  But when Notre Dame Students see a person sporting the flashiest trends like they are going to a high priced New York City club, then they know that the person is a fellow student and an ample target for making out with on the dance floor.

#1: Africa

Notre Dame Students love Africa.  They love it so much that it was the only logical place to start when considering the many things they like.  Every night, all across campus, Notre Dame Students fall asleep with dreams of one day traveling to Uganda, or Kenya, or Burundi, or the DRC.  Visions of health clinics, genocide, subsistence farming, and Somalian Pirates dance through the heads of Notre Dame Students each night as they devise their plans to impact change in the far off continent.

Many students here actually do travel to Africa at one point or another for various reasons.  Some go to do service work or tourism, but there are a lucky few that are able to go to Africa to do research.  Researching people of another culture is probably the best way to tell those people that we are better than them.  It is very easy: the plane lands in Uganda and one bright, chirpy Notre Dame junior exits wearing her UGG boots or his Polo Brand shirt and proceeds to feverishly take notes with his or her MacBook about the farming practices of the natives.

So many students travel to Africa that it is a wonder South Bend Airport does not run a direct flight to Kampala.  This would probably be the more profitable than simply investing in the continent.  Imagine an airport that runs four flights: daily flights to Chicago, Detroit, and Cleveland; and a weekly flight to Uganda.  Not only would the students use this often, but Fr. Jenkins would be able to easily satisfy his cravings for all things Uganda.

Regardless of what students do when they arrive in Africa, the ones who go there love to talk about the continent when they return.  Rare is it that a Notre Dame Student finds himself in a conversation with one of these privileged few and they don’t mention their trip at least three times.  These students love to use their stories to show how cultured they are and how much they care about the world, and they typically cannot wait to go back.