#31: Cell Phones with Internet

Four years ago, a transformation occurred in the dorms at Notre Dame.  Wired, land based phone and internet connections were replaced by cell phone boosters and WiFi networks that brought even the oldest dorms into the modern era.  With this modernization, Notre Dame Students (like many of their peers around the country) have quickly embraced the technological advances of the past five years and become overly reliant upon cell phones with internet connections.

While these phones are not yet completely ubiquitous, Notre Dame Students have spent the past several years working up their thumb strength to the point where they can take full advantage of the BlackBerrys and iPhones of the world.  Older phones that can merely make calls and deliver text messages are rapidly becoming obsolete on campus.

Cell phones with internet are becoming a fixture at Notre Dame not only because of all the urgent e-mails that Notre Dame Students receive*, but also because of the incredible usefulness that they have.  Notre Dame Students can now discretely do a plethora of things in class that they previously needed a laptop for.  Updating their facebook, reading Charlie Weis’s Twitter (see #18), reading football message boards (see #8), and receiving e-mails from Mike Brey are all things that Notre Dame Students find themselves doing while they are bored in class.

These phones become even more useful outside of the classroom.  Suppose two Notre Dame Students get into a debate at Finny’s regarding which African nation has the lowest per capita GDP; the one with the iPhone will easily be able to discover that, yes, Malawi is lower than Somalia by this metric (see #1).  Notre Dame Students can use these phones to answer any question no matter where they are, making them incredibly valuable.

However, the most important reason why Notre Dame Students like these phones is because they will prepare them for their inevitable post-graduate careers.  BlackBerrys are made for businesspeople and Notre Dame Students recognize that if they are going to become successful in business they need to master their ability to use quick thumbstrokes to send out urgent e-mails; an ability that all Notre Dame Students desire.  

*Urgent E-Mails include: Career Center Updates, The BEAT from Legends, New Stamp Deals at the Post Office, Reminders from the Warren Golf Course, Class Council Apparel Sales, and Bookstore “Deals”

Posted via normal computer, plugged into wall

#30: Rudy

Duh.

#29: Telling people when they have an Organic Chemistry Exam

Of all the students and all of the majors at Notre Dame, the most notoriously neurotic are Pre-Meds, and throughout their four years preparing for med school, the most infamous class they must take is Organic Chemistry (commonly referred to as Orgo). 

While Pre-Med students famously bitch and moan about most of their coursework, their whining hits a remarkable high during their sophomore year when they take Orgo.  For an entire year, these students incessantly complain about how difficult the class is and how much studying they have to do for it.  By way of their complaints, these students make it known to the entire Notre Dame community how unrelenting the class is and when the class is giving upcoming exams. 

The level of whining wouldn’t be much of a problem for the rest of the student body if it wasn’t for the Orgo student’s insistence on telling everybody when they have an upcoming test.  An Orgo student would probably never know if their Political Science roommate had an upcoming exam, but this isn’t a two way street.  Days and even weeks before an Orgo test are marred by reminders that the test is coming.  Orgo students will continuously refuse to go out, or even eat meals with other students, and will make sure to use the upcoming Orgo test as their excuse.  

Orgo students mark their territory in the library, some sleep in study rooms; while others even make the crucial error of studying before football games in an attempt to be overly prepared.  The tension in the dorms on the night before an Orgo test is higher than any other night.  While Pre-Meds are tweaked out on Red Bull and RockStar drawing diagrams on whiteboards and spreading papers and textbooks around study rooms, their roommates and friends look for ways to avoid the madness for fear of causing bodily harm to themselves and others. 

Despite the fact that Pre-Meds spend an unnecessary amount of time preparing for Orgo exams, and make sure to let everybody know it; they perform remarkably poorly on said exams.  The students inevitably end up telling all their peers how difficult the class is, and how nobody does well on the tests.  A good percentage of these students take these poor tests as a sign and end up switching to a more reasonable major where students aren’t as psychotic, because as difficult as Pre-Med majors claim that Organic Chemistry is, one year later they will be making similarly apocalyptic claims as they study for the MCATs: a test that makes all students go crazy, even if they don’t take it. 

#28: Thinking Coors Light is Classy Beer

Before students turn the magical age of 21 that finally allows them to peruse the aisles of Belmont Beverages like it’s a toy store, they are at the mercy of upperclassmen to provide them with alcohol and sometimes even places to drink it.  Underclassmen usually find themselves at house parties with kegs or dorm parties featuring small trash cans full of beer that they will drink until the clock strikes two and everybody goes to Reckers (see #14).  This beer is almost always Keystone or Natural Light. 

Keystone and Natural Light are beers that are so abundant in the dorms that an outside observer would think they were brewed by Knute Rockne himself.  Mini-fridges from Carroll to Knott are filled to the brim with these beers that are too pitiful to be touched by Notre Dame Parents.  Notre Dame Underclassmen become so accustomed to the taste of Keystone and Natural that almost anything becomes an upgrade.

Because of this, beers such as Coors, Miller, and Bud light are seen by the Notre Dame Student to be good beers that are even classy enough to have baseball stadiums named after them.  A student that fills his mini-fridge with these fine beverages is making an investment in his drinking that most students just aren’t willing to undertake.  This student will watch his beverages carefully and make sure that others don’t take them because his investment is not meant to be stolen.

Other students who stick with the Natural and Keystone they buy from upperclassmen are shocked when they finally find themselves in the alcohol aisle at Meijer and not only realize that beer comes in bottles . . . but that the price between Keystone and Coors is nothing substantial (see #12).  These students are further shocked when they find themselves in the bars of South Bend and realize that (aside from that hell-hole on Michigan Street) beers of the Natural and Keystone brands are nowhere to be seen.  Pitchers at Finnegan’s, 32-Ouncers at The Backer, and endless glasses at Cheers [varsity] Lounge are all choice brands such as Coors, Miller, and Bud.   

Matters become worse when these students venture away from Notre Dame to visit other schools, go abroad, or even to enter the ‘real world’.  While bringing a case of Coors Light to a Notre Dame pregame might be seen as classy, it probably won’t be seen the same way anywhere else.  

#27: Spooning

Notre Dame Students love a good spoon, and not the kind that you can steal from the dining hall (see # 3).  The kind of spooning that Notre Dame Students like is described by Wikipedia.com, as “a cuddling position, a kind of hugging when both the hugger and the hugged persons face the same direction, i.e., the front of one person is in contact with the back of the second one.”

However, the spooning that Notre Dame Students partake in is so much more than this sterilized definition because it has another added element.  When Notre Dame Students spoon, it is beautiful. 

Spooning for Notre Dame Students is oftentimes an act that physically signifies their place in a long-term relationship (i.e. the ultimate goal of all Notre Dame Women) because what other stages of relationships are suitable for a good spooning?  A person would never attempt a spoon if they are partaking in a random hook-up (see #21).  Despite bromances being popular right now, they rarely move past the “sharing a large popcorn bucket at the matinee showing of The Hangover” stage of intimacy.  No, spooning is usually reserved for couples that have fully entrenched themselves in the joys of a long-term relationship.*

Furthermore, couples in long-term relationships like to demonstrate the beauty of their love to all of their friends by making their spoons highly noticeable.  In fact, many Notre Dame Relationships start eagerly with the “quad middle-room” spoon where the beauty of a long-term relationship is shared by a semi-public spoon.  The degree to which the spooners want to spread their love can be determined by what is going on in the room/apartment/house at the time of the spoon.  An example of the progression follows:

1)       Watching a Notre Dame Basketball game, room empty

2)   Roommates watching a crappy made-for-SciFi Channel Movie,

3)   During a popular television show watch (see #19), all seats taken

4)   In the middle of a weekend party, room full.

5)   During JPW, parents present

Regardless of wherever and whenever the spooning happens, Notre Dame Students enjoy its beauty and relentlessly participate in it (and apparently hold the world record in it).    

*Exception: The above picture, which evidently is the longest spoon train ever.