#99: Long-term relationships

The problem of gender relations at Notre Dame is one of the biggest complaints people have about student life at the school.  Students complain that the combination of single-sex dorms and parietals is a system of the past that discourages friendship between the sexes (see #63).  The continuance of dorm parties being informally restricted to men’s halls (see #98) even further separates the genders on a day-to-day basis and leads to awkwardness at all turns. 

The result of these things is that men and women at Notre Dame do not often foster actual friendships with each other or even really go on informal dates with one another.  Instead, men and women at Notre Dame consistently find their sole interaction in long-term relationships.

Notre Dame does not have a significant dating culture.  One day, Notre Dame Students are hooking up together, and the next day sees them turning around Claddagh rings (see #6) and changing Facebook statuses to show and tell the world that they have entered into a relationship.  The lack of dating at Notre Dame stems not only from the complete lack of avenues to develop rich friendships between the sexes, but it also is caused by the lack of nearby dating options.  Although this could be changing with the recently opened Eddy Street Commons, the fact that Notre Dame exists in its own little bubble, distinctly separated from the outside, leaves students with few places to go on dates beyond the dining halls.  While “dining hall dates” are certainly popular, their awkwardness is a further detractor from a dating culture in general.

However, the lack of a dating culture does not mean a lack of relationships.  Notre Dame Students love entering into long-term relationships primarily because they love the idea of marriage (see #91), but also because they love all of the things that go along with long-term relationships. 

Notre Dame men like long-term relationships because they sometimes grant them an opportunity to go beyond the Notre Dame Hook-Up and into a new territory of intimacy (see #21).  These men have a person to consistently break parietals with, and this gives them an opportunity to show their friends and hallmates how awesome they are (even if they are not awesome at all).

Notre Dame women like long-term relationships for reasons beyond the direction of their Claddagh rings.  For women, a long-term relationship gives them a strong group of friends to hang out with that they might not have if they only hang out with other girls.  It’s no secret that Notre Dame men form stronger groups and have a more intense level of brotherhood between them than Notre Dame women, and so they are happy to allow girls into their groups when their friends begin a relationship.  Because of this, many Notre Dame women end up being better friends with their boyfriends’ hallmates than they ever were with their own hallmates.  The relationship, therefore, allows a Notre Dame woman to become a part of all the things that make men’s halls great, like room pick drama (see #80), playing video games, and the weekly hugfest known as the Rite of Peace during Sunday night dorm Mass (see #10).

Once they come together in their long- term relationships, Notre Dame Couples like all of the things that make a relationship great.  They like spooning on couches where everybody can see them (see #27), wearing each others sweatpants (see #49), and playing footsy while “studying” together in LaFortune (see #68).  They like watching Love, Actually together and arguing about how justified Mark’s actions are (see #69).  They like walking around the lakes, actual dates at Papa Vino’s, and staying in on weekend nights because they no longer need to look for dance-floor makeouts at dorm parties and Finny’s. 

Overall, Notre Dame Students like long-term relationships because they like to love and be loved.  They like the consistency that comes with a relationship, and hate having to resort to the hook- up culture.  They like to think that the person they are dating is the one they will be with for the rest of their life, that they will get married to each other in the Basilica, watch their kids become Notre Dame Students in their own right, and that they will grow old together and live happily ever after.

#97: Hating the other dining hall

When it comes to eating meals, Notre Dame Students like to do what is fastest and easiest.  Even though plenty of them have cars on campus, they rarely go to off-campus restaurants to eat, and even though there are two dining halls on campus, Notre Dame Students rarely switch between the two. 

Most students typically go to the dining hall that is closest to their dorm because it is most convenient.  They can walk there for lunch on their way to class, and they can get there quickly and without hassle for dinner.  In the winter, Notre Dame Students do this because they also like to walk through the snow from their dorms to the dining hall in athletic shorts, just to show how little the weather affects them (even though it does).

By only going to one dining hall, students grow accustomed to sitting in the same area and seeing the same people.  Students from West Quad and South Quad consistently go to South Dining Hall (referred to by saying “South” or “SDH”).  These students yell out either “right-right” or “right-left” to tell their friends where they will be sitting, and before long groups of friends know exactly what side of what aisle to look to and walk down in order to find their friends.  These groups will instinctively know second and third choice seating areas in case their chosen area is occupied or closed. 

Students from North Quad and Mod Quad consistently go to North Dining Hall (referred to by saying “North” or “NDH”).  These students will determine where to sit before they get their food, and will leave coats, flip up chairs, and place IDs on their chosen table in order to mark their territory.  While both halves of campus have their different customs in their chosen dining hall, the one thing all Notre Dame Students share is a hatred for the dining hall in which they do not regularly eat.

Students who regularly eat at South complain constantly about the “modernism” that exists at North.  They hate the fact that the dining hall has multiple levels almost as much as the televisions that exist inside it.  Furthermore, South regulars hate the fact that they can never find their friends when they eat at North.  Why, they wonder, would you waste time saving a seat with your ID, when long lines are forming in the food distribution areas?  South regulars spend inordinate amounts of time looking for their friends when they eat at North.

The biggest complaint that South regulars have about North, however, is the food distribution system.  Food stations at North are seemingly spread throughout the dining hall in a maze of doorways that is akin to a funhouse.  South patrons are used to the single room in their dining hall where they can quickly make a loop and see what the options are for dinner.  At North, most students know what they are going to get before they enter the building and make a beeline towards the room of their choice.  Because it is impossible for Southies to find food in North, they pretty much only go there when they are looking for two specific menu items unique to North: pasta stir fry and make-your-own-pizza.

North patrons have similar complaints about SDH.  They find it impossible to find their friends in the large crowded rooms of tables that all look the same (see #36), and since they aren’t regular Southies, they don’t have a proper system in place to find their friends.  Their biggest complaint, however, is the abomination that is the SDH food distribution system.  When Northies enter the center part of SDH (where the food is distributed), they see a crowded and congested mess of confusion.  There are people EVERYWHERE, with lines pushing into other lines, and people waiting in two lines at similar times.  If peppered flank steak is the meat entrée, the salad bars become engulfed in the line of steak-eaters.  If there is a particularly enticing pasta dish, there will be an impenetrable line preventing hungry eaters from getting to the pizza or waffle-making sections.  Making matters worse are the indecisive Southies who don’t intricately plan their meals ahead of time by checking the menu online.  They add to the congestion by wandering around the food area looking through all of the options before they make a choice.  If NDH is overly organized with rooms for different food, SDH is an underorganized mess of confusion that Northies will never be able to understand.

The ironic thing about dining hall loyalty at Notre Dame is that both dining halls generally serve the same food.  Sure there are some notable differences like make-your-own-pizza, but when push comes to shove, students can pretty much get the same food at either dining hall.  Because of this, while Notre Dame Students will always loathe eating in the dining hall they don’t frequent, eventually all Notre Dame Students will come to hate the repetition at BOTH dining halls, and will begin to have more trips off-campus to places like Rocco’s, Bruno’s, Chili’s, and even Red Lobster.

#96: Getting indignant

Notre Dame Students spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing issues that impact their campus, country, and world.  In their thoughts and discussions about these issues, Notre Dame Students grow to care deeply about them (or, they at least pretend to care deeply about them).  Not only do they care about these issues, but Notre Dame Students formulate strong opinions about them and usually try to convince their fellow students to share their opinions.  Yet when something happens that goes against a student’s opinion on an issue, they will get indignant.

On campus, Notre Dame Students get indignant about a lot of issues ranging from the comical to the serious.  Many of these issues are based in Catholic social teaching and students' attempts to show they are more Catholic than other students (see #4).  Notre Dame Students get indignant about Barack Obama’s commencement speech and the issue of abortion (2009), they get indignant about the Gay Film Festival (2006-2007), they get indignant about Christopher Hitchins (2010), and they constantly get indignant about the University’s refusal to pay dining hall workers a living wage (1990-2050, and probably longer).

To deal with their indignation, Notre Dame Students do everything that they possibly can do while only minimizing their time investment in such efforts.  Students will write strongly worded Viewpoint letters (see #71) that attack the University or the offending party for doing something they deem to be incredibly offensive and insulting.  To protest, they will join Facebook groups that have no power or influence whatsoever.  If they want to show that they are strongly indignant about something, they might even organize protests or demand to meet with Fr. Jenkins (a demand that is rarely met).

Students also get indignant about campus issues that aren’t as serious as those based in Catholic social teaching, but are rather based in a student’s personal convictions about societal norms and what Notre Dame means to them.  Students get indignant about how The Shirt fits them (see #2), they get indignant about police using horses at tailgates, they get indignant about the lack of $5 footlongs at the campus Subway, and they get indignant about the musical stylings of Freekbass.  While none of these things have their genesis in religion or a moral system, they are still important sources of indignation for Notre Dame Students.

Beyond the Notre Dame Bubble, there are a lot of things that Notre Dame Students have an opportunity to get indignant about.  While many of these things are similar to the campus issues that cause indignation stemming from Catholic social teaching, Notre Dame Students get even more indignant about things that happen on a national or international scale.  By far, the area that creates the most indignation amongst Notre Dame Students is the continent of Africa (see #1).  Notre Dame Students get indignant about the problems in Darfur, they get indignant about the prevalence of AIDS across the continent, and they get indignant about the simple lack of development and infrastructure in various countries.  To soothe their indignation about these issues, Notre Dame Students travel to Africa and do research for their theses.

Overall, Notre Dame Students' indignation shows how much they care about important issues on campus and around the world (or, at the very least, how much they pretend to care about these issues).  These issues will change from year to year, and the students’ methods of response might change, but the indignation will always remain the same.  Even after graduation, Notre Dame Students will continue to get indignant, because the only people who get more indignant than Notre Dame Students are Notre Dame Alumni.

#91: The Idea of Marriage

Being the overly Catholic and family-oriented people that they are, Notre Dame Students all have a strong innate desire to quickly get married and have children.  Very few Notre Dame Students actively want to be single, and almost none aspire to be womanizing bachelors who have trophy girlfriends late in life (or the other way around).  

This obsession that Notre Dame Students have with the idea that they will get married soon after they graduate is embodied in the tradition of “ring by spring.”  Ostensibly the goal of every Notre Dame Student, “ring by spring” is the objective of Notre Dame women to get proposed to by the man of their dreams and of Notre Dame men to propose to the woman of their dreams by the time they graduate. 

In order to obtain or present a “ring by spring,” a person usually must have met their future husband or wife by the end of their freshman year, be dating this person by the end of their sophomore year, and regularly be breaking parietals together by the end of their junior year.  This well-worn path puts the Notre Dame couple right on course for spring engagement at the Grotto (see #61) during their senior year, and the ideal Basilica wedding the summer after that.

The problem with this tradition is that very few people actually participate in it any more.  While Notre Dame Students still love to talk about “ring by spring,” and they certainly talk at length about anybody they know that achieves the goal, most Notre Dame Students are in no position to actually participate in the tradition.  This is not only because many Notre Dame Students move on to grad school, med school, or law school after graduation, but also because the modern world sends graduates to all parts of the country in search of jobs and service opportunities.

Despite “ring by spring” being barely feasible for modern Notre Dame Students, these students continue to talk about it because they are obsessed with the idea of marriage.  They like to talk about the weddings of older siblings and of the potential of friends’ future weddings because the modern idea of weddings brings together religion and drinking in order to celebrate the final result of a long-term relationship (see #99).  So even if students aren’t getting married (or even engaged) very often as students any more, the idea of marriage is never far from the mind of a Notre Dame Student.

#89: Dorm stereotypes

During the summer before students begin their freshmen year at Notre Dame, they are randomly assigned to a room in one of the 29 residence halls around campus by the Office of Residence Life and Housing (a.k.a. ResLife).  These hall and roommate assignments are based singularly on a person’s gender, and, unlike many schools, have nothing to do with the preferences of the individual students.  ResLife’s selection process doesn’t include surveys to match compatibility (something that some students might have to do on eHarmony if they fail to get a “Ring by Spring”) and it doesn’t allow the opportunity to room with high school friends or people that students previously met at ND summer programs.  At Notre Dame, freshmen year roommates are selected entirely at random.

These random collections of individuals are one of the main attributes that differentiate dorms from Greek systems at larger universities (see #79).  Not only are students not given a chance to choose the dorm in which they will live, but dorms are not given the opportunity to choose which incoming freshmen they want to live in their dorm.*  Whatever the computer assigns is what the students and halls are stuck with.  In fact, even the process to change dorms after a year is made to be overly difficult for students, meaning they rarely change dorms.

Despite the randomness associated with the system, and the somewhat diverse amount of personalities that exist within each dorm, many dorms have common stereotypes that are associated with them.  Alumni guys are arrogant, Sorin guys are pretentious, Howard girls are slutty.  According to Notre Dame Students, these collections of randomly-assigned individuals seemingly have a lot in common.

Regardless of whether or not these and other stereotypes are true, they spread by being consistently discussed across campus.  Roughly half of the Keenan Revue is dedicated to jokes about how BP girls are fat.  Comics in The Observer never fail to miss an opportunity about how nobody lives in Keough or how Carroll guys are weird.  Notre Dame Students love to group people together by dorm (see #16).

The most fascinating aspect of these ingrained subcultures manifests itself when members of a dorm embrace their particular stereotype to the point of creating a self-fulfilling, self-perpetuating “dormthink.”  This is most clearly demonstrated by the men of Zahm that seemingly take up the mantle of their fake-gayness as soon as they arrive on campus.  While individually these men might not act fake-gay at all, as a dorm they collectively perpetuate the stereotype and give the dorm a far different identity than other dorms.

Because of all this, Notre Dame Students love dorm stereotypes.  They love the idea that their halls have identities and traditions of their own (see #40), and they love being a part of these communities.  Even if individual members of halls don’t display the traits for which they are known, Notre Dame Students embrace the stereotypes to build and perpetuate the communities that they love.

*Generally this is true, but it should be noted that there is a double-secret process by which rectors can pull a handful of specific students (usually younger siblings) into their hall.  It is unclear how this process works and how often it is used.

#82: Thinking of Bookstore Basketball Team Names

One of the highlights of the spring semester for Notre Dame Students is the beginning of the traditional Bookstore Basketball tournament.  The single-elimination tournament is a massive affair that features roughly 700 teams playing in what the organizers claim to be the “World’s Largest 5-on-5 Outdoor Basketball Tournament” (how they can make this claim is anybody’s guess).

Because Notre Dame Students love basketball (see #76); all Notre Dame Students love Bookstore, and they love forming teams for various skill levels.  Some serious players form teams made up of the best ballers on campus (and one or two varsity Football players) in an attempt to win the tournament.  These teams will stage practices in the months leading up to the tournament, and will be ready when game-time comes.

Other teams use the tournament as a chance to do something that is SO college (see #11), and cause a malt-liquor induced ruckus while wearing spandex, clanging threes off the backboard, and coming dangerously close to sexual harassment complaints from any female opponents.  Frequently, these players will complete a halftime “boot and rally” to the delight of their ridiculously large crowds of followers, and they oftentimes have a secret stash of Keystone Light at the courts for shotgunning purposes.

Still other teams will be made up of casual basketball players that simply want to win a game or two.  These teams will be disappointed when they have to play the elite teams and they will be frustrated when they have to play the drunkard teams.  While each of these categories of teams might have different objectives on the day of their game; the one aspect of Bookstore Basketball that all teams take seriously is the naming of their team.

All Bookstore Basketball players have an innate desire to think of a clever team name that references current events and controversies while causing people that hear the name to laugh out loud.  It’s one thing to have a name that mentions Tiger “Long off the Tee” Woods or Rihanna’s lack of defense against Chris Brown, but it is a much more difficult task to make a team name stand out when 700 other teams are trying to do the same thing.

Making matters even more difficult is the fact that the tournament is run under the insanely arbitrary rules imposed by a Notre Dame Administration that takes offense to anything tangentially related to drugs, sex, alcohol, violence, or fun.  These Orwellian administrators (and their Bookstore commissioner agents) take a chainsaw to the list of team names every year and censor anything and everything that could possibly offend (except, strangely, violence against women, see #71).

Because of this, some students attempt to choose names that are clever enough and clean enough to get around the censors, while other teams just aim to make their team name a funny joke that spreads around campus like gossip.  Either way, the objective is the same: Notre Dame Students have an innate desire to show each other how smart, funny, and clever they are; and a hilarious bookstore name is the best way to achieve this goal.

#79: Explaining to people from other schools how dorms function as Quasi-Frats

Probably the most unique aspect of student life at Notre Dame is the Residence Hall system.  This system is unique not only because 80% of the students live in the dorms, or that these buildings are single-sex, but because the system also necessitates that there is no Greek life at Notre Dame.

The popularity of the dorms combines with the lack of Greek life to create a system that is utterly confounding to students from other schools around the country.  When Notre Dame Students tell their friends about student life, these friends can’t possibly understand why anybody would want to live in a dorm for four years—especially when the dorms operate under the archaic rules of parietals (see #63).

Because of this disconnect, Notre Dame Students use the idea of Fraternities and Sororities to describe the residence hall system at Notre Dame.  The students talk about the camaraderie within the dorms and how students are proud of their dorm.  They talk about interhall sports and other competitions between dorms, and they describe the intense rivalries between dorms.  Notre Dame Students then use these descriptions to describe the dorms at Notre Dame unlike those at most schools, but more akin to Quasi-Fraternities and Sororities.

The irony in this is that Notre Dame Students actually want their dorms to function as Quasi-Frats. 

Notre Dame Students throw dorm parties that aren’t remarkably different from Frat parties with their loud music, crowds of people, and floors covered in beer (but more on those later).  They attempt to haze freshmen with Dis-O rituals that could be found in a Greek System; and they refer to groups of people by the name of their dorm in the same way that students at large state schools describe each other by the name of their Fraternity or Sorority (see #16).  Like fraternities and sororities, a person’s dorm stays with them much longer than they live in it, and Notre Dame Students see the camaraderie and brotherhood in the dorms as the greatest similarity with Greek life at other schools. 

However, while students might describe the dorm system as similar to a Greek one, they ultimately prefer it because of the differences from a Greek system.  While dorm parties might get loud and messy, they are also firmly entrenched in the culture of the Notre Dame Hook-up (see #21).  While some Notre Dame Students participate in something that could be construed as hazing, most Dis-O activities come nowhere close to actually making students do anything embarrassing, unsanitary, or demeaning.  Dorms might get loud and raucous, but unlike Frats they become quiet and controlled when most students need to study.

Notre Dame Students might like to describe dorms as being like Frats, but the reality is that most of the students probably wouldn’t even be involved with Greek life had they ended up at a state school.  The dorm system is uniquely perfect for the students at the school, and it is for this reason that people who aren’t from Notre Dame will never be able to understand it.

#71: Viewpoint Wars

The Observer is one of the most loved or hated things at Notre Dame.  Some students make sure to read it every day, always checking the Question of the Day (see #46), the Viewpoint section, the front page, and (of course) the comics.  Other students almost never pick up the paper, instead opting to read the complimentary national newspapers with their dining hall meals.

However, if there is one thing that can get every Notre Dame Student to pick up and read The Observer, it is raging Viewpoint war about a controversial issue.  While some of these issues come up for a short while (such as Barack Obama speaking at commencement) and will probably never appear in the Viewpoint section again, many issues that create Viewpoint wars appear in the section on an almost annual basis.

Issues such as the unique relationship between Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s (see #43.5), the disappointing nature of the football team, bookstore basketball team names, violence off-campus, single-sex dorms, and the acceptance of LGBT students at Notre Dame appear quite frequently in the pages of the viewpoint section.  Nearly every year an incident will happen that will again bring these issues to the forefront and cause even the most reluctant Notre Dame Student to pick up The Observer and read the next level of rhetorical sparring.

When The Observer is in the midst of a Viewpoint War, their e-mail inbox is flooded with letters and comments about the controversy.  Even the most passive Notre Dame Student wants to get their two cents in and takes to their laptop to pen the most passionate (and usually predictable) argument possible.  The section becomes dominated by the single topic for days and weeks (or, in the case of Obama, months), and columns or letters not pertaining to the war simply fall by the wayside.

Viewpoint Wars are important because they depict Notre Dame Students at their best (or, more often, at their worst).  While they are always overblown, they depict the issues that are important to the student body, and the ones that are most controversial amongst the student body.  They get the students actively talking about topics, and they throw the most troublesome issues into the limelight.  Because of this, Notre Dame Students love Viewpoint Wars.

#69: Love, Actually

Notre Dame Students love Christmas movies.  They love Elf for its contemporary nuttiness, oftentimes repeating quotes such as, “Bye Buddy, hope you find your Dad,” when somebody leaves a party or small circle (see #24).  They love It’s a Wonderful Life for its classic story and timeless Frank Capra themes, and they love Home Alone for its childhood memories of high jinks (as well as tiring debates about how many times Marv and Harry should have died over the course of the film).  While many people of different ages around the country love each of these movies (as well others) there is one movie that Notre Dame Students love so much more than it is typically loved.

That movie is the ‘Ultimate Romantic Comedy’: Love, Actually. 

Notre Dame Students love Love, Actually because it is a movie that brings together the joy of the Christmas season with the satisfaction of a good romantic comedy.  Not only do they love Christmastime (see #66), but Notre Dame Students also love romantic comedies because they love to love.  Notre Dame Students love their families, they love their roommates, they love their friends, they love their girlfriends/boyfriends, and they love their school; so it makes sense that they would love a movie that is ostensibly about love.

Love, Actually is that movie. 

What Notre Dame Students love about the film is the fact that everybody can relate to a different story in it (except the one with the guy who’s in love with his best friend’s wife; that’s just sleazy).  Some students love Sarah’s (Laura Linney) storyline because it shows a person that needs and loves her family over anything else.  Others love Jaime’s (Colin Firth) storyline because it shows how love can triumph over immense barriers like language.  Still others count Karen’s (Emma Thompson) and Harry’s (Alan Rickman) story as their favorite because it depicts a love for children.

While everybody loves Sam’s story (mainly because it ends with a rousing rendition of All I Want For Christmas Is You (see #39)), and few dislike the hilarious antics of Billy Mack (Bill Nighy); one of the more beloved storylines in Love, Actually is the story of the Prime Minister (Hugh Grant).  While the details of this tale are satisfactory, the climax of the story is when he gives the speech touting everything that is great about Britain.  Not only is this a great speech in the vein of Rockne and Holtz (see #15), but it also plays to the Anglophile sensibilities of most Notre Dame Students.

Overall, the storylines of Love, Actually make it a film that Notre Dame Students feel comfortable watching with their parents, with a group of friends in the dorm, with members of the opposite sex that they are just platonically friends with, and with members of the opposite sex that they are attempting to ‘Notre Dame Hook-Up’ with right before parietals (see #21 and #63).  Because of this, it has become an unlikely classic amongst Notre Dame Students and a film that they continue to treasure and love (of course) every holiday season.

#66.5: Things Fr. Jenkins* Likes

1)       “Going Green”

2)       Creating Controversies

3)       The Academic Forum

4)       Uganda (see #1)

5)       Killing the Vagina Monologues

6)       Running with ROTC Students

7)       Creating a family friendly atmosphere

8)       Groundbreaking Ceremonies for new buildings

9)       Killing the Gay Film Festival

10)   Bill Kirk

11)   Premature Contract Extensions

12)   Academic Freedom (sort of)

13)   Calling ND a ‘research institution’

14)   Sustaining  the city of South Bend

15)   Fr. Malloy (for being an easy act to follow)

*Fr. Jenkins AND the University Administration

#63: Parietals (although they refuse to admit it)

Of all the unique intricacies of dorm life at Notre Dame, or Notre Dame Student culture in general, the most influential aspect is the rule that seemingly infuriates students ensuring that dorms remain single-sex; a rule called Parietals.

The rule of parietals means that at midnight or 2:00 AM (depending on if it’s a weeknight or a weekend) students must remove themselves from dorms of the opposite sex until the next morning.  This means that students (or outside friends and relatives) are not allowed to sleep in dorms of the opposite sex, and they are not allowed to stay later no matter what they are doing.

The majority of Notre Dame Students talk negatively about parietals.  They blame the rule for treating the students like children.  They use the rule as an excuse for poor gender relations amongst students, and they criticize the rule for being too old-fashioned.  If you listen to what they say in public, one might think that Notre Dame Students hate parietals.

Deep down, however, most Notre Dame Students actually like parietals. 

Parietals are a necessary check on Notre Dame Student’s drunken decision making.  They take away the pressure that Notre Dame Students feel about potentially sleeping together, and give Notre Dame Students an excuse not to sleep together (and limit themselves to Notre Dame Hookups at earlier hours, see #21). 

Furthermore, because of the sometimes lackadaisical way that the rule is enforced, students that are in long term relationships are able to break parietals fairly easily without trouble.  These students like to break parietals not only because it allows them to sleep with their significant other, but also because it makes them think that they are completely badass [or awesome].

Parietals force parties to end at reasonable times, giving Notre Dame Students an excuse not to stay awake late into the night.  While Students might sometimes consider staying up late to party, deep down they actually want to get to bed before 3:00 AM on Friday and Saturday nights so that they can wake up early and study on the weekends.  Parietals facilitate the innate desire that Notre Dame Students have to work hard and party hard.

Most importantly, parietals allow students to build strong relationships with the friends in their own dorm.  The most significant times of bonding occur amongst students after parietals when they play video games, participate in single-sex drinking games, and talk about every possible topic that could come up.  Camaraderie is built amongst students after parietals in ways that would be impossible if the other sex was present.

Despite all this, Notre Dame Students will rarely admit to actually liking parietals.  Not only is it very easy to blame poor gender relations on the rule, but it would also be very uncool to champion the rule.  Ultimately, liking parietals is completely counter to being SO college (see #11), and because of this Notre Dame Students will continue to steadfastly pretend that they hate the rule.

#60: Staying on One Level of Club Fever

On Thursday nights throughout the school year many Notre Dame Students (some that are over 21 . . . some that aren’t) like to frequent “Michiana’s most versatile night club” for drinking, dancing, and everything a person could ever want from the largest nightclub in northern Indiana.  When they go to Club Fever, however, they refuse to take advantage of all the 16,000 square feet of space it has and instead act like squatters on their level of choice.

When some students enter Club Fever, they immediately retreat to the basement where they can find pool and shuffleboard tables, regular lighting, and a decidedly more rock based playlist.  The basement of Fever is frequented by students that typically go to Finny’s on Thursday nights, but go to Fever because somebody in their group suggested that they need a ‘change of pace’ or are ‘getting into a rut.’ 

Many of these patrons will drunkenly make their way outside and down the alley to Finny’s before 1 AM.

[One important aspect of the Club Fever basement is the bathrooms.  Because the basement is attached to a very mediocre restaurant, the bathrooms are the nicest that can be found at any South Bend drinking establishment.  Ultimately this is unimportant.]

The main level of Club Fever is probably one of the most diverse places in South Bend.  There are drunk girls with the mindset of “F*** guys, I just want to dance” dancing with their girlfriends.  There are local residents who will oftentimes interrupt their dancing for unexpected fist fighting.  There are creepy guys walking around the dance floor trying to act cool but knowing that their best move is to come up at a girl from behind and begin dancing with her before she sees them.  There are also Notre Dame Basketball players.

These people love the main level because the darkness, occasional smoke, incessant strobe lights, and tightly packed crowd create an excellent opportunity for Dance Floor Makeouts.  The $1 Natural Lights also make this one of the least expensive public drinking locations . . . anywhere.

While the main level of Club Fever is one of the most diverse, the upstairs is probably the least diverse.  More open than the basement and better lit than the main level, the upstairs of the bar is enjoyed by the Notre Dame Students that wish they had attended state schools.  These students tend to go out every night of the week and see Thursday nights at Fever as the best of them all.  They kind of know each other well (but kind of don’t); they live off-campus as juniors; they’ve had fake IDs since freshmen year; they’ll spend lots of money on mixed drinks, but they probably won’t get too drunk.  People come to the upstairs of Club Fever to pick up girls/guys and go home with them, something students on the other levels are just not interested in.

***

All three levels combine to make Club Fever one of the most out of place bars in the entire South Bend area.  With three distinct areas (and stairs between them where people are rarely seen) Club Fever is a place that Notre Dame Students love, but for a variety of reasons, and a place where they will continue to go on Thursday nights (at least until it inevitably gets shut down).

#59:Hating Rectresses

One aspect of student life that sets the University of Notre Dame apart from other institutions of higher learning is the importance of dorm life for the students.  There are many unique aspects of dorm life at Notre Dame ranging from drinking traditions to dorm masses, but no aspect of dorm life affects the students more than the rectors and rectresses that live in and are in charge of the dorms.

Rectors and rectresses at Notre Dame are tasked with a myriad of responsibilities to ensure that the residence halls run smoothly and remain places that students want to live.  They assist their halls’ councils in order to plan events that the residents want to make dorm life interesting.  They promote faith in their dorms by encouraging residents to go to hall mass (and oftentimes saying mass if they are a priest).  They also serve as advisors to residents that are there to help them through personal issues of all kinds.

The most prominent responsibility of rectors and rectresses, however, is their position as the leader of the hall staffs of their respective dorms.  This position not only allows them to hand pick assistant rectors and resident assistants, but it also allows them to determine the degree to which university rules are enforced within their dorms.  Parietals might be in effect, liquor and drinking games might be banned, and parties might be limited, but all of these university rules impact students to varying degrees based on how severely their rector or rectress enforces them.

For the most part, the rectors in men’s halls are fairly lenient with the rules.  Alcohol flows freely (if not openly) in the men’s halls as dorm parties are a commonplace, beer pong and 40s are never far away, and liquor is sometimes seen at unnecessarily high levels.  Many rectors seemingly understand that the residents of their halls are college students and will act like college students regardless of the rules.  For their leniencies in enforcing the rules (while managing to keep the dorms incredibly safe) these rectors are beloved by their students and oftentimes form strong relationships with them.

However, women’s halls do not have the same luxuries because rectresses at Notre Dame are not nearly as lenient as rectors.  In fact, rectresses are so stringent with the enforcement of their rules that there is an enormous disparity between life in a men’s dorm and life in a women’s dorm.  While most men’s dorms play host to parties each weekend, women’s dorms never host parties.  While some Notre Dame men feel comfortable building bars in their dorm rooms, women must go to elaborate measure to bring even small amounts of beer, liquor, or wine into their rooms (and when they turn 21, they’re constantly accused of supplying alcohol to younger residents). 

These disparities have resulted in Notre Dame Women having fairly negative relationships with their rectresses.  While rectors might be seen as mentors, advisors, or friends in men’s dorms; rectresses are seen as judge, jury, and executioner.  Likewise, rectresses oftentimes develop hostile relationships with males who happen to enter their dorms.  Friends, boyfriends, and even brothers are not seen by rectresses as the well-intending Notre Dame Students they usually are, but as binge drinking heathens that force feed girls so much alcohol that they turn up passed out in shrubberies in front of Welsh Fam or Lyons. 

Rectresses run their dorms like convents where even the slightest infraction is seen as a truly troubling character flaw.  They try to be mothers to their residents but have no idea how to actually be mothers.  They treat their residents like children and are seemingly incapable of giving them the benefit of the doubt.  They are overly judgmental and overbearing, and many of them need to be replaced.  Because of this, rectresses across campus are unfortunately hated strongly disliked by Notre Dame Students.

#39: Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You

Christmas is a magical time of year at Notre Dame. In the period between Thanksgiving and the end of finals, Notre Dame Students have many Christmas dances and parties that they attend (see #25). At each of these events they will play countless holiday themed classics ranging from Bing Crosby to Britney Spears, and they will undoubtedly turn to All I Want for Christmas is You many, many times throughout the season.

Each time they play this song, Notre Dame Students will be sure to pull a Sam from Love, Actually (see a number to be written later) and point towards one of their peers during the chorus. During this section, Notre Dame Students will use extreme caution to make sure that things do not become awkward with the person they point towards.

If they have already achieved the victory of a long term relationship then this issue is a moot point, but if not then problems arise. Most females overcome this problem by pointing at one of their girls, while most males overcome the issue by pointing out into thin air. However, sometimes Notre Dame Men try to use this as an opportunity to make the first move towards what could result in a long term relationship. Typically, this ends in failure (or possibly a dance floor makeout).

Notre Dame Students love this song so much, that they play it year-round. Would any Notre Dame Student be surprised if the song was played at Finnegan’s in September? No; in fact this is expected. Likewise, no student would hesitate to put the song on at a party in April. Notre Dame Students love this song, and it has become an essential part of the Notre Dame Playlist.

#38.5: Things Saint Mary’s Students Like

1) Calling themselves “Smick Chicks”

2) The Avenue

3) Taking pictures on the “Sluttle”

4) Having Mothers who went to SMC and Fathers who went to Notre Dame

5) Taylor Swift

6) Working in Hospitals or Schools instead of taking classes

7) The Dance Marathon

8) Buying Food at the Cyber Café

9) Paying Their Student Government a Salary

10) Going out on weeknights

11) Oddly Shaped Dining Hall Trays

12) Notre Dame Athletes

13) Obnoxiously big dorm hallways

14) The Keenan Revue (ironically)

15) Getting Hooded

16) Jamaica Shaika

17) Being on Committees

18) Club Fever

19) Complaining about Traffic

20) Most (if not all) of the Things Notre Dame Students Like

#38: Making Fun of Saint Mary’s Girls (and then dating them)

Notre Dame Students, both male and female, have an incredibly complex relationship with the students of the school across the street: Saint Mary’s College. This relationship can be marked by a wide range of emotions including jealousy, hate, sarcasm, friendship, and love. In other words; it is akin to a typical marriage.

Notre Dame Students love to make fun of Saint Mary’s girls. While this might happen infrequently in person, Notre Dame Students will constantly make jokes about their sister school when there are no Belles around. They will write letters to The Observer declaring the school’s inferiority and its student’s unintelligence. They will perform skits in the Keenan Revue about Saint Mary’s Girls being sluts. Notre Dame Men will make fun of individuals behind their backs, and Notre Dame Women might even make fun of groups to their faces.

The fact of the matter is that it is relatively easy to make fun of Saint Mary’s Students as the school is essentially one group of 1600 Marys, Katies, and Megans that all major in Nursing or Elementary Education*. While the olden days might have required Saint Mary’s to counter the All-Male ND, the modern Co-Ed Notre Dame has no use for Saint Mary’s College.

Or so a Notre Dame Woman would want you to think.

Notre Dame Women are most to blame for the complex relationship with Saint Mary’s Students because they publicly and privately have the most nasty things to say about them. The women from both schools can’t possibly be friends with each other because of the irreconcilable differences caused by Notre Dame Women recklessly throwing around words like slut and stupid in reference to their sister school. These girls do this not because they believe these things, but because of childish jealousy.

Notre Dame Women are jealous of Saint Mary’s Students because the students at the all-girls school across the street are typically more awesome than their counterparts at Notre Dame**. Saint Mary’s Students are more fun than Notre Dame girls. They go out to more bars and parties. They don’t spend most of their hours in the library (does Saint Mary’s even have a library?). They won’t tell you when they have an Organic Chemistry test (see #29), and they bizarrely care more about Notre Dame Football than Notre Dame girls.

Because of this, as much as they like to make fun of Saint Mary’s girls, Notre Dame guys also like to date them, and they date them quite frequently.

*I probably just lost 5 friends right there.

** I know I just lost 7 friends and 1 sister on that one.

Full Disclosure: I currently have 1 SMC drinking mug, 1 SMC pennant, 1 deck of SMC playing cards, and 1 SMC T-Shirt that I wear frequently. So yes, I unapologetically love Saint Mary’s.

#21: Being Confused About the Definition of Hooking-Up

Notre Dame Students love to hook-up . . . at least they think they do.  If there is one thing that regularly causes more viewpoint fodder than Saint Mary’s girls or the Vagina Monologues it is the perceived hook-up culture at Notre Dame.  Students love to talk about who hooked-up with whom or how many guys somebody has hooked-up with.  At the end of the day, however, Notre Dame Students are incredibly confused about the definition of the term hook-up.

At most colleges and universities across the country the term hook-up means that two people had sex.  If a frat guy at the University of Illinois told one of his bros that he hooked up with a girl it would absolutely mean that the two had sex.  If a Knott guy tells his roommate that he hooked up with a girl, it could mean anything from ‘we touched each other’ to ‘we dance floor madeout’ to ‘I got a topless blowjob’ to ‘we had sex’.  While it is possible that the Knott guy had sex with the girl, one of the other scenarios is far more likely.

At Notre Dame, sexual intercourse is a rarity.  While certain football players won’t shy away from tag teaming girls in the Keough Hall Laundry room, many Notre Dame Students won’t even think about having sex until they are firmly committed in a long term relationship and have turned their Claddaugh Rings around (see #6).

Because of this, Notre Dame Students need to adopt a new vernacular when discussing the hook-up culture. 

Simply saying that they hooked-up is not enough to define the nature of what happened.  If Notre Dame Students want to imply that they had sex, it would be best to say that they U of I Hooked-Up while if they merely made out and touched each other they can say that they Notre Dame Hooked-Up.  This distinction will not only allow students to more accurately describe their actions to other Notre Dame Students, but it will also help to clarify their moral superiority over their state school counterparts.